B by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - A girl must die and be sent to the grave so B can be born. 11 pages  - pdf, format

Hey Glenn,

Another fairy-tale like story - you do well at those.  I liked this one. Good story, good writing.  Kind of a schizophrenic little girl sort of tale.

The only issue I really had with this was the second B day.  It was kind of unclear what was happening at first so I would kind of clarify what you mean a bit more by not in the flesh.  

Also, I don't see any reason why this couldn't be a bit longer.  Personally, I would have liked to see a bit of a build up to the burial. I also would have liked to have seen a bit more of B's first day. Not that you don't explain things but it would have been interesting to see them.

Well done.

  

Glenn,

just read your script.

I thought your writing was very good. The story itself was good too, but... do I dare say this.... it wasn't very original. Please, don't think I said that because your comment about my latest shorts. I meant it in an honest way. After all, this story is another version of "be careful what you wish for". I did like it though.

Technically it was executed real well making the final script a nice one.

I think something that would make this a tad better would be some sort of twist at the end to set this apart and leave us with something special to remember it by.


Pia  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think something that would make this a tad better would be some sort of twist at the end to set this apart and leave us with something special to remember it by.

I was thinking the same thing as well while reading your script. Its a very well written script and the story is good. But i really wanted something more at the end.

Not sure what else i could add. Overall I liked it, I just wish there was something more towards the end. Good luck.

Bryan

Hey Glenn

I liked this script of yours. Was a really fast read and had a good message to it. I'm not sure if I fully understand it though, here's what I'm thinking;

Lilina wants to grow-up quickly. Doesn't want to a be a kid anymore.

She buries a symbolic box of memories and reinvents herself.

This new version, B, takes on a life of its own but the real Lilina is trapped inside her, wanting to get out.

She realises that she does want to be a little girl and digs up the box, and the magic spell is broken.


Not sure if that's correct but that's how I understood it. Just a few thoughts on it.

Before she decides to bury this box, maybe show why she wants to grow up. Is there something that she's wanting to do? I know, as you have it now, we don't know straight away whether this girl has really killed and buried Lilina but I don't think that uncertainty does anything for the story.

I would have liked a bit more of the good things that Lilina gets upto as B. That kind of goes back to why she wanted to grow up in the first place. Does she go where she wanted to or does she do what she wanted to and it wasn't as she thought? That would lead to a bit more panic for her and more urgency in her getting to the buried box and digging it up.

I might be totally wrong about what this was about, but I did enjoy it as it is. I just think the main character could have a bit more going on and a bit more at stake by the time she decides to dig up the box.

Good stuff mate.

Ste

I was thinking she kind of wanted to be cool like a celebrety... Like Paris Hilton.  Maybe I was wrong and you were right Stephen..  

Mcornetto

Yeah I love fairy tales and could just wirte them all day. They are my favourite becuase they are storytelling at it's most purist and primeval form.

sadly the people interested in making fairy tale type shorts are few and far between.  

Me

Your post made me laugh. Here I am putting shit on you for writing scripts with content that is not all that original and here I am writing something unoriginal.

I guess my script will feel familiar becuase as I attended it as a fairy tale, I stuck to the strict conventions and story beats that makes up a fairy tale.

Brymo

"What a twist!" Sorry that was a Robot Chicken gag. Couldn't help myself.

Stebrown

One thing I like about posting scripts here is getting to see how others view your work.

Nope, sorry, not even close. You dug way, way to deep into a story that is as shallow as a baby pool.

Pia is spot on that this fable is about a girl who just wanted to be popular and cool. And who can blame her- she sells cookies to strangers with a sock puppet. the girl is a FREAK! So anywho, she takes on a new identity and by magic wakes up physically changed into who she wants to be. That's it. nothing more, nothing less.

As Pia also mention it is a story about "becareful what you wish for" or as how I like to put it" "this is what you want, this is what you get."          

This was great, TT.  I thought the story moved beautifully.  The little girlls insistance that she were treated as someone new, until she actually was someone new and everyone freaked on her.  Very well done.  

People really do need to be happier with themselves more and not wish they were something else.  The grass is not always greener.

That being said, I've always kind of wished i could bury myself and become someone else, but the world doesn't need another Harrison Ford!  

Glenn

Interesting idea here, I really liked the character of Lilina.

Some things I noticed whilst reading:

"The girl, who will now be known as LILINA," -- You should just call her that from the beginning.

MOTHER (O.C.)
Lilina Ridley! -- Why does her mother keep addressing her by her full title, seems a little odd. Once at the start is enough as Mothers have a tendancy to say it sometimes when they are angry. But having her say it everytime is a little overkill..

"this happens . . ." -- I understand its a matter of preference but I don't see these prompts as necessary, we gonna read on and see what happens anyway.

"she ain’t got time for this." - "Not a single
worry is attached to his name." -- There are a lot of expositories like these in the prose which for the best part are not needed. Its something I've become increasingly aware of recently as its a problem in my own work too.

Is Jared the same age as Lilina??

LILINA
Not me! I’m talking about Lilina
Ridley. She was a weirdo and a
freak, so I killed her with a
karate chop.

Lilina chops at the air with her hands.

LILINA
Pow! Just like that! Then I
buried her in a forest.

-- Ha, I loved this passage, would be very cute on screen.

NEIGHBOUR (O.C.)
You look nothing like Lilina you
dumb kid.

-- Presuming he is an adult, there is no way he would say something like "dumb kid" or phrase it like this. I mean he is talking to a 10 year old, man.

WIFE (O.C.)
Look dear, A princess in the
gutter.

HUSBAND (O.C.)
By Jeeves, you’re right! Now
that’s just weird.

-- Again this dialogue seems out of place.

When she is sitting in the gutter acorss from her house, should you not refer to police, family or friends being at the house? Her Mother must have surely noticed by now that Lilina is gone missing?


Overall it was a sweet little childrens tale, a nice quick read. As I said I really enjoyed Lilina.

For what you set out to do with the "be careful what you wish for" or as you like to call it "this is what you want, this is what you get." motif, I think you succeeded.

Col.

Hey Glenn,

You have a nice sweet story here, although.

I like the start and ending.

It's just the 'B' character and storyline.  I was wondering if she even existed.  And if she did, then why were people treating her so badly?  After all, it is another ten year old in the story.

I got that Lilina wanted to be a Paris Hilton wanna be.  But I felt that the characters around her changed more than her.

I have no complaints about the ending as it is.

Overall, a nice story that was a bit confusing in the middle.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Glenn, I liked how the magic in this story just happened. No explanation necessary. I think it would ruin a fantasy script like this to explain it.

The story was a little too cute for me and some of it seemed rushed. The set up with Lilina/B was great and then the second half just felt a little jumpy. When things get rushed they interrupt the flow and it seems to jump around a lot.

I really liked the idea, the logline is kind of boring and redundant. And redundant. Die and "sent to the grave" mean the same thing. Something a little more catchy should be given for this story because it is good.

James

Glenn,

This really played like an old Twilight Zone episode from the '60's.  There is no reason given for the transformation, it just happens.  The girl has to figure out why this has happened, and then rush to reverse it.  It's a classic formula.  

This reminded me of the movie Big, when Tom Hanks wakes up and he's gone from 10 to 30 and his Mom screams and chases him out of the house.

I like how you didn't try to over-explain the transformation with some mystical nonsense.  It just happened.  The girl freaks out, then deals with it and overcomes.  It's a nice lesson about being happy with who you are.

Funny you should mention BIG, cause after I read this I thought the same thing. Hmm I write this script and I'm getting a Freaky Friday/ BIG vibe.

I thought it was the body swap thing but maybe- could it be? Now I've only seen BIG once and that when it was first released at cinema so I don't remember movie. But subconsciously could I have been channeling that movie when I wrote this and stole scene of changed character chased out of house by mum?

Hmm?

this script seems original to me. it has a dark feel which is hard to quantify and many may not pick up on. i like the idea of casting the first Lilliana as a balck actress and the second as a white one. would add an interesting dimension.