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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Blind Date Bedlam - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Blind Date Bedlam - Filmed  (currently 3841 views)
Don
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blind Date Bedlam by Mike Shelton - Short, Comedy - There are good dates, bad dates, and others that are just plain weird. 8 pages - pdf, format
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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  December 8th, 2010, 11:11pm
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Pretty entertaining. You did a good job of keeping things moving along and keeping them interesting. Some good creative little images here.

Nothing to really beat on here. About the only thing I could suggest is that the ending be taken one little step further in the set up with Elton ramping things up just before he opens the door. We know by then what the deal is with Elton and Doctor Boobela so maybe it would be good for Elton to up the ante by betting for more money or something and set himself up for an even bigger fall.

Other than that, I wasnít totally satisfied with the keymaster line. It seemed slightly less effective than some of the more creative things Elton said earlier.

A couple of small technical things:

On page one, when Elton glances back and forth, it wasnít clear he was glancing down the hall until a moment later when he did it again.

And on page 5 youíre missing a word: tell in,  ďIíll you that.Ē

Other than that it reads well, itís strange and entertaining and a job well done.


Breanne



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Angry Bear
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I thought it was a crazy kind of script that gave me the same wtf feel like Pimp Juice did.

Characters and visuals were great.

I think if I had been Carol I would have been a little more freaked out. Not saying she should have "escaped" earlier, just acting a little more freaked out and nervous perhaps.

I do agree with Breanne that I would have liked to see a little more of the second girl. Sort of putting a spin on their betting. Turning the tables.

All in all, I think this would be funnier to watch than it is to read. I picture it being outrageous on film. Great job on that.  


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Tommyp
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Mike, cool script. Pia, I don't think we need to see anymore of the second girl, it finishes at the right time.

I don't understand the "keymaster" line. Is it just random, or is there a reference I don't understand?

If both the girls are Elton's dates, then why would he meet and plan to have a date with "crazy lady"? Or is she a challenge?

Some really great lines and as usual formatting and stuff is fine.


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bobtheballa
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Mike -

I wasn't sure where you were going at first but as it got crazier the ending became a little more clear. The singing in particular was rather enjoyable.

My one complaint, and a very small one, is that like Breanne, I would've liked to see a bit more interaction between the two guys before the second date shows up, just so that her weirdness packs a bigger punch.

Not sure if this review is any help to you but it was an amusing read.
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Shelton
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading all.

Damn.  I knew I was going to get someone to say I should have included more of freaky girl, but I thought it would be alright to end it there with the payoff that she's legitimately weirder than Elton pretends to be.

The keymaster line just kind of popped in there, much like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Not the most original thing I know, but I like goofy pop culture stuff every once in awhile.  (It's from Ghostbusters, Tommy)

Pia, I agree that this would ultimately look better on film based on the visuals.  As is, I kept them fairly general and just concise enough to get my point across, but in my mind there are things that would take it a step further and make it pretty damn funny.  This is something I could do myself if I ever wanted to take my camera for a test drive and keep up with my acting, but I'm not too sure on that yet.

Tommy,

Both girls are challenges.  The dates are for betting purposes, where Elton bets that he can weird a girl out so much that she'll leave, presumably within ten minutes, which is where Boobela's plea to lower it to five comes in.

Thanks again for reading all.




Shelton's Website

Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton

Pia, I agree that this would ultimately look better on film based on the visuals.  As is, I kept them fairly general and just concise enough to get my point across, but in my mind there are things that would take it a step further and make it pretty damn funny.  This is something I could do myself if I ever wanted to take my camera for a test drive and keep up with my acting, but I'm not too sure on that yet.


I have a kick-ass camera...


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Shelton
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear


I have a kick-ass camera...


Sweet I have a robe and access to a top hat!


Shelton's Website

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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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JonnyBoy
Posted: February 16th, 2009, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, I read this and had no idea what was going on until quite close to the end. It was, as you say in the logline, just plain weird.

Then, of course, it all became clear, and I could appreciate that we were completely with Carol in her confusion. For me, some of Elton's 'jokes', such as suing the writers of the Bible, fell flat, but since he was being deliberately crazy I have a sneaky feeling they're not SUPPOSED to be funny.

One little suggestion for the end: I don't think we need to see any more of the freaky girl, but how about Elton suggesting they massively raise the stakes for the next one? He raises them double, triple even, so confident is he in his ability to weird-out. Then I think it would be funnier when he opens the door to find the freaky girl.

Overall, though, this was good, and I enjoyed it. Once I stopped feeling like I'd completely missed the point, that is!

Jon


Guess who's back? Back again?

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Shelton
Posted: February 17th, 2009, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Jon,

Thanks for checking it out.

The humor here is subjective.  It's supposed to be funny, but it's definitely supposed to be more on the weird side.  I'll take a "WTF?" over a "haha" with this one any day.

You're the second person to suggest raising the stakes.  That's an easy fix, so I'll probably implement it at some point, since I only touched on it briefly with the lowering of time allowed to five minutes.

Thanks again, and I'm glad that it all came together for you in the end.

Mike


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stebrown
Posted: February 17th, 2009, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one Mike. The weird humour and visuals reminded me a bit of 'The Mighty Boosh', an English comedy show (plenty of links on youtube if you wanna check them out, tis good.).

I was a bit dissapointed with the ending to be honest with you, just from the point that Elton lets on that it was all an act. I just thought everything about the set-up was great and you could have come up with something more original and funnier than it was all a bet. I don't mean that in a bad way, just in context with the rest of the script, which was very, very original and really funny. The end just came across as a little too normal. Good use of a Ghostbuster's quote tho haha "Okay, who brought the dog?"

I totally agree with Pia, that this would be much better on screen than it is on paper but I got a good idea of how it would look from the script. I think the strobe lighting bit would be insane haha

Anyway, top stuff as usual.

Ste


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jayrex
Posted: February 17th, 2009, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I'm all for keeping the ending as it is.  I love the weird and wacky.  And the ending made it for me.

For me I think you should have Carol more worried as soon as Elton said he was superstitious.  Have her looking for the exit.  Not taking off her coat and generally looking for excuses to leave by her body language.

I also think if you inject some voodoo stuff from Dr Boobela.  Maybe have Dr Boobela give Elton a love potion right in front of Carol.  That would freak her out.

Overall, a funny read, perfect for this time of the year.  Keep the ending as it's a winner.

All the best,


Javier



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Shelton
Posted: February 17th, 2009, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, guys.

Ste,

I've heard a lot about The Mighty Boosh, but have yet to check it out for myself.  Despite that, I won't complain about drawing a comparison, since everything I've heard has been good.

As far as the ending, I figured I could have gone one or two ways.  The way I went, or that this guy was really that weird.  The latter didn't seem like too much of a payoff in the end though, because it would just be Carol running from the apartment.

I'm definitely on board with this being better on film than paper, especially with things like Carol's level of comfortability.  A halfway decent actress would nail it no problem.

Jayrex,

See above for my interpretation of Carol.

Doctor Boobela doing voodoo?  Interesting.  Makes me think of the gag with Hightower in Police Academy (4?).  The killing the brother of Abdullah and all that, if you're familiar with it.

Per the usual, I've gone in and screwed around with it a bit (a definite advantage to hosting the scripts on my own site), but have kept the ending basically as it is, just upping the stakes a little bit between Elton and Dr. Boobela.

Thanks again.


Shelton's Website

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steven8
Posted: February 18th, 2009, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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I actually get nervous when someone in a show starts acting like Elton and Boobela did in front of Carol.  It took me a couple of tries to finish reading this script.  That means you did a good job getting the idea across, Shelton.

Now, I think the ending is both better and worse in this new version.  I love the new banter between Elton and Boobela, and I like the new description and quirks of the weird girl, but I liked the Keymaster line better.  Of course, Ghostbusters is easily my favorite movie of all time. . . .
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colkurtz8
Posted: February 18th, 2009, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Mike

First offai love the title. This was a nice, quick entertaining read. I never read the earlier draft so this was my first time meeting Elton & Dr Boobela (another great handle)

I liked how it got progressively weirder as it went along, the sporadic, sudden actions from the Doc were comical.

ELTON
You donít get that kind of quality
on an eight track, Iíll tell you
that. -- My favorite line of the piece.

My only question would be: Would a girl go to the guys House on a blind date, is it not the norm to meet at a restaurant or whatever?

Good job, keep up the weirdness, I always welcome scripts like these

Col.


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