Beer Goggles by Mark Garland - Short - Two beautiful women enter a bar full of losers. With the introduction of the infamous Beer Goggles however. A night of predictability, just might take a turn for the better. 2 pages - pdf, format

I can't say I liked how this was written out. I understand that either girl in this script was called by their name, but it just annoys me to see such an generic title as, "Hot Chick". The story itself was not interesting to me, which from your logline seemed it would have been. SPOILER...  What didn't make sense to me is when at the end they pull out paper bag labeled, "Beer gloves"? Is the joke that the gloves will make  certain objects appear bigger then they are?  

I think this could be written out little longer, and better when it comes to the dialogue.

Hmmm,

The logline is a spoiler for the first page and a half, the script is tiny and the story isn't there.  It is more like a skit.

You could shorten some of your description to speed up the read.  And either remove the cover page or actually name the script.

Change One A.M. to Midnight.

SPOILERS

I would name the Two very hot girls.

Why does the hot girl rip open the bag with her teeth, is she an animal?

I too don't get the punchline.  Is it like what GoreGore84 said above?

All the best,


Javier

Thanks for the comments. Yes the Beer gloves make things bigger, just as the Beer goggles make people better looking. I wrote this for a friend who needed a two minute comedy short for a competition. I guess I could have named the girls, but for his needs, it wasn't necessary. This is the first, and probably the last short I'll ever write. I do much better, when I have more time to develop characters, and plots. Again, thanks for the comments.(Yes, even negative comments are taken seriously and used constructively to mature, and develop.) You've made me realize what I already suspected, Stick to what you know.
Thanks, Muckage

Dont want to repeat whats already said, but i too missed the punchline so it didnt really work for me, but i do like the beer goggles concept, defo think there is some potential for that, with some reworking and a change of ending it could be a very original and funny script

I know brevity is frowned upon on these boards but all I can say is: I echo the sentiments of the above contributers. This needs a rethink.

Curtail the use of "we" in your prose too.

Cheers

Col.