Somebody To Love :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Kimberly –

Just some notes I took as I read your screenplay, followed by a more general reaction at the bottom --

Top of page 4: A plausibility issue here. The dog actually snapped the leash in half? I’m not all that familiar with dog leashes but to snap one in half in that way, by tugging forward, seems like it would take far more force than a dog (of any size) could generate. Anyway – maybe I’m wrong, but it did pull me out of your story for a moment!

You have a funny, efficient way of describing things that gives your writing a true voice:

The dog stares at him a second before casually lying on the
ground and rolling over, sunny side up.

This is a terrific description, although there’s a spelling mistake at the end:

He is intimidatingly handsome, his dirty blond hair in a neat
Cesar cut and his blue eyes alive with senserity.

The dog only responding to foreign languages is funny.

Mia and Megan gets a little confusing. Might want to think about changing one of the names so they aren’t so similar sounding.

Pg. 27 – I can’t believe Mia would be blind to the possibility of  Gabriel wanting to see her for something other than getting his money back.

Pg. 31 – Jake says they should talk outside but do they talk outside the room or outside Megan’s curtained cot? I think you meant for them to be talking in the hallway, so make this clear by using a slugline to denote the hallway –

They move to

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY

Pg. 33 – grammar mistake (wonders/wanders):

She wonders into the

LIVING ROOM

Pg. 33- Gabriel is starting to come off as a little creepy now, although maybe that’s your intention. I bring this up because there was a part towards the beginning, with the dog when he and Mia first meet, where for a moment you go into his perspective. I had taken this to mean that your were going to split the story and make him a second and equal protagonist and kind of tell his story alongside hers. But you haven’t done that yet. It might be a good idea at this point, though, to give us some more information on Gabriel’s life and what’s going on with him. Unless you’re purposely holding back info. to create suspense or a sense of mystery about Gabriel. If so, it’s working…

Page. 41 – The first page of this conversation (all of pg. 41)  isn’t necessary. You should start it with the kids already cleared away, because clearly Mia called Dani wanting to discuss the Gabriel issue and so she would have cleared the kids away already.

Come to think of it, I thought of a much more efficient way to handle this conversation in terms of coming in late and leaving early. Start is right here:

DANI
I'm completely on your side.
MIA
The two are unrelated. I wasn't
trying to get back at Jake.
…

The viewer will immediately know what Mia is talking about – it’s not hard to figure out. The way you have it now the viewer has to sit and listen to Mia describe stuff that has already happened, right? Which isn’t much fun. Another thing I would do is make it IN PERSON. In person is always more interesting than over the phone. Maybe Mia has already put the kids to bed or maybe it’s in the day and they’re at school. And you can give the conversation an interesting setting, too,  a place that provides context or conflict – like, I don’t know, maybe they’re at a mall looking at expensive shoes to numb their subconscious feelings of guilt.   This conversation is kind of dead on the page right now because 1) Mia is describing stuff that already happened, and 2) it’s over the phone, and 3) Neither of them are doing anything particularly interesting as they talk on the phone.

EXT. MIA BACKYARD – DAY

Be sure to keep your sluglines consistent! Up to the above slugline, which appears on pg. 46, you use – DAVIS KITCHEN, DAVIS BACKYARD, etc… to start scenes taking place at Mia’s house. So either use “DAVID KITCHEN” or “MIA KITCHEN” all the way through, but don’t switch your style in the middle! I think that’s one of those pet peeves that would get a reader to throw your script out the window and put your name on a black list.

Pg.. 47 – Oh – Dani makes that connection with the angel Gabriel.  It hadn’t occurred to me, but that’s a pretty cool thing. A biblical tie in. Nice.

Pg. 54 – typo

JAKE
I shouldn't called.

Pg. 59 – This is funny.

MIA
Did you have any kids?
GABRIEL
We were never in the same room
long enough to procreate.

Pg. 66 – typo (I think):

MIA
I wouldn't touch your love sex
life with a ten foot pole.

Pg. 69 –

Gabriel is just coming off as too creepy now. He’s showing up everywhere. I think that by this point Mia would be scared of him. How does Gabriel even know about the play anyway? Maybe I missed something. And wouldn’t he not go for fear that Mia’s husband shows up? Also - where is Dani when this little exchange happens in the theater? I would think she would come in with a witty or cynical remark or something very direct to Gabriel but she is MIA.

Pg. 71 –

This conversation between Gabriel and Mia is very “on the nose.” Try to give it more subtext and tension and make it less direct Q&A. It will be a lot more interesting.

Pg. 74 –

Love how she does this confession! Terrific.

Pg. 80 –

Nice twist with Gabriel getting a job and now forcing Mia to make a decision.

Pg. 94 –

Something about this surprise party scenario didn’t work for me. She was waiting for him to show up at the house for a LONG time, right? So why didn’t Dani call earlier if the set-up was that Dani would call her to get her out of the house???

Top of pg. 96 – This joke didn’t work for me – people DO still use gas stoves, although it does set up that nice joke at the top of pg. 100. Sometimes you gotta kill your babies.

MIA
That's the worst advice I've ever
heard. No one uses gas stoves
anymore.

Bottom of pg. 102 – very nice twist with Gabriel coming back.

Pg. 104 – “DANI” should be “ANNE”

Anne walks off down the hallway.
DANI
Come with me.

Bottom of pg. 108 – Wait a minute. I’m really confused, didn’t Jake leave her in the previous scene? What’s he doing there playing with the kids? Okay – he’s just visiting. But I think you need a time passage in super before the start of this scene: SIX MONTHS LATER. Or maybe: ONE YEAR LATER – to make it clear.

A happy surprise ending! Those are always good.

This script definitely shows you know how to write a screenplay. It has a solid structure with the inciting incident occurring before pg. 10 and then lots of unexpected but plausible twists building to a surprising but happy ending. You’re right – it does read fast, and that is a testament to your screenwriting skills.

With the exception of the aforementioned scene, I thought the dialogue was pretty solid, for the most part.

There are some laughs, but it’s a comedy and so I think you could go through and see how to make it funnier in parts.

There are some grammar and spelling issues (already mentioned above).

The concept overall would be a tough one to sell or option because it’s been done so many times before and you don’t really do anything new with it. That said, I think this is a competent screenplay that just needs some tweaking and maybe a few more drafts until it’s in top condition. I mean this as a compliment – I could see this on Lifetime, easily. However, I don’t really see it in the theater because it’s just not “high concept” enough, and also it’s a plot we’ve seen so many times before and this screenplay does not present a new take. But – by all means – please prove me wrong!

Thanks for the read, Kimberly. I enjoyed it! Nice work. Let me know if anything happens with it.

Mark