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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Felony Moderators: bert
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  Author    Felony  (currently 1849 views)
Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2009, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Felony - 'The Breakout' by Matthew Nsubuga (majorgeneral316) - Series, Drama - South London is turning into a 'War Zone' according to the media. Crime is rising and no one feels safe. Felony follows both sides of the war - the criminals and the law enforcement. 57 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 2nd, 2010, 7:51pm
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: July 13th, 2009, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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In the synopsis I wrote serious, which is meant to be series.

I'm thinking whether to carry on writing another episode for this, so I would appreciate any feedback.

Thanks

MG



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abelorfao
Posted: July 15th, 2009, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Majorgeneral316, I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.

I liked how you started with two seemingly unrelated plot threads and slowly brought them together at the end. I also like how you've sewn the seeds for future stories.

Williams is so exasperated at the criminal element he's considering crossing the line at any time. Gray is trying to balance her career while taking care of her ailing mother. Mason wants his little brother to have the future he threw away. Tim wants to help his older brother even though it's leading him into a life of crime. Finally, we have Jeremy who seems like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

There are a lot of interesting directions the story could go and your script ends with the setup to a plot which could carry the rest of the prospective season: Tim and Mason tying to get Jeremy out of the country before Williams and Gray can catch them.

The story progressed at a measured and comfortable pace, although I would have like to have seen Gray participate in the investigation a little more. I also would have liked to have seen more surrounding characters to flesh out the world the story takes place in.

Who do Williams and Gray report to? Are the media and politicians placing pressure on the authorities to solve the crime? Is the area in the midst of a crime wave? What is the scope of Jeremy's criminal enterprise? What criminal activities are they involved with?

I wouldn't expect these questions fully delved into during a one-hour pilot, but you should think about touching upon them so as to expand on the universe and sew the seeds for future plot points.

Now, the comments I'm about to write may come across as too harsh or nitpicky and you may already know some of the things I'm about to point out. Please, keep in mind my thoughts are solely intended to help you once you write your next draft. Okay, here we go...

Page 1: I'm not sure you've used the word "drear" correctly. Did you mean to say his eyes droop? I would also recommend you try to write in the active voice as you tend to use the past tense quite often.  For example, you could say the old man "shouts and swears as he stumbles around" instead of "stumbles around, shouting and swearing."

Page 2: Unless this was an intentional character quirk, Susy should say "should have" or "should've" instead of "should of." Also, "There" should be "They're." I also wonder if you should cut between Adams and Susy during their phone call. This may be more interesting visually than just seeing Adams talk into a phone for a minute.

Page 3: "A women" should read "A woman." Also, "shadow of a women" should read "shadow of a woman."

Page 4: I would recommend capitalizing the appearance of the people at the bar as well as all of the other background characters who appear throughout the script. You should fully capitalize Williams and Gray's names as you introduce them in the action prose just for clarity's sake. You should also take a moment to at least give a cursory description of both characters. If they're important enough to name, they're important enough to be given an age and a brief description. The parenthetical in Gray's line is not positioned properly.

Page 5: The line "worse then the lot" should be "worse than the lot." I would only use a parenthetical when absolutely necessary as the information they contain can usually be inferred or given simply by adding an action line. For example, I don't think you need the "into phone" parenthetical when Williams answers the call. The Male Voice's first line should end with a question mark. Also, you used V.O. when Susy spoke over the phone earlier but you use the Character's Voice format for the person who gives Williams a call. I would recommend using a consistent style for telephone and radio conversations just to keep the reader on the same page.

Page 6: If Williams is just going to tell Gray the same information we've just heard, I'd cut out the Male Voice entirely. I'd have Williams answer the call, say he's on his way, and tell Gray of the shooting. Furthermore, if Gray is Williams's partner, why does she have to ask if she can tag along? They should both answer the call, no questions asked.

Page 7: Gray's reaction to the sight of Adams's body is an issue related to the lack of description given to the character. I could see her being shocked at the sight if she's young and inexperienced but not if she's a veteran with dozens of cases under her belt. Williams's line to Johnson comes across a little awkward. It seems he knew Adams but he refers to him using his title which seems rather impersonal.

Page 8: The line "door bell with rings loud" should read "doorbell which rings loudly." The line "average looking women" should be "average-looking woman." I notice you use "women" when you mean "woman" quite a bit. You should stay on the lookout for this mistake.

Page 9: I don't understand why Susy doesn't seem to recognize Johnson when she answers the door. Also, you need to use a new slugline when Susy and Johnson step inside the home. Also, I don't think Johnson would be so stiff when he tells Susy of her husband's death. Surely, he'd just call him Jack and not use his full name and rank.

Page 10: Mason's first line should end with a question mark. You introduce Timothy in the action prose only to call him Tim when he has dialogue. The characters themselves can call him whatever they want, but I would refer to him as either Timothy or Tim throughout the actual structure of the screenplay. I would use Timothy so as not to confuse the character with Jim. Also, Jim's first line should be broken up into two sentences. ("... big boy stuff. If you can't handle it...")

Page 12 to 15: I don't think Timothy's plan would work anywhere near as well as it does. If I were an officer transporting a prisoner and a van swooped around and stopped in front of me, I'd already be on guard. If the driver ran toward the back of the van and screamed I had to get everyone out before it exploded, I'd be sure this was a setup. A far simpler and more effective setup would be to stage a crash scene along the route, have Jim (as the AA driver) ask for help, and then surprise the officers once they exit their vehicle.

Page 15: Both of Susy's lines should use O.S. (or, if you prefer, O.C.) as she is physically present in the scene but not visible.

Page 16: I would add an ellipsis to Suzy's "Well" to indicate how it trails off. Williams's line should read, "You sure?"

Page 17: Gray's first line on this page doesn't make sense to me. Did you mean to use fault instead of through? I wonder if you should have Susy's young child present in the scene to emphasize the scope of her loss. "Your right" should read "You're right."

Page 18: Once again, we don't need to hear the phone conversation if Williams is just going to relay the same information to Gray.

(Continued below.)
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abelorfao
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Page 19: "I new I could count on you" should read "I knew I could count on you." Jeremy's line to Tim doesn't need a parenthetical and should end with a question mark. You neglect to use question marks quite a bit. In fact, it's by far your most common mistake. "He's shy boy" should be "He's a shy boy." I also don't think "init" makes sense the way it's used here.

Page 20: Jeremy's request for Guinness should end with a question mark. I'm not familiar with British television rules, but I have to assume they have no problem with four-letter words. Otherwise, you'll have to rewrite Jeremy's browbeating of Frank.

Page 23: "It's Dad init" should read "It's Dad, init?"

Page 24: "OK" should end with a question mark. Jeremy's first line on this page has a period after the question mark. "Where's your bro" should end with a question mark.

Page 27: I don't think you need to have Williams ask why the door's open. He, along with the audience, should be able to recognize what's happened.

Page 28: I would use an exclamation point when Williams says, "Gotcha." Also, "Jason fletcher" should read "Jason Fletcher." Unless Tim is riding in a convertible, you should just say what vehicle is on the road. Only mention Tim once he exits the vehicle.

Page 29: The line "You where to good" doesn't make sense to me. Did you mean for Charles to say something like "You were so good" instead?

Page 30 and 31: Charles's lines should use O.S. instead of V.O. as he is physically present in the scene but not visible.

Page 31: Williams's second line should end with a question mark. You may want to change "last night during" to "last night between" and you should add a question mark at the end. New Year's Eve should be capitalized.

Page 32: Williams's second line should end with a question mark.

Page 33: "I new him" should read "I knew him." I understand what you're trying to do with Williams's conversation with Gray, but it seems truncated and forced. You may want to take another look at this section.

Page 34: Jason's first line should end with "away from me." Gray's "one more thing" sounds awkward and too informal for a questioning session. You should change it to something more proper, such as "one more infraction." The line "think that we hold up" should read "that that will hold up" and end with a question mark.

Page 35: Williams's last line should end with a question mark.

Page 36 and 37: The police officer's lines should use O.S. instead of V.O. as he is physically present but not visible when he speaks.

Page 37: Tomkins's last line should end with a question mark.

Page 38: Tim's last line should end with a question mark. The parenthetical further down the page is misaligned.

Page 39: The parenthetical at the top of the page is misaligned. Charles's last line should end with a question mark or an interrobang (?!). Tompkin's questions are all missing their question marks.

Page 40: Tomkins's "who knows more" should read "who knows how many more."

Page 41: Gray's query to Williams and the Young Lady's first line are missing their question marks. You don't need the parenthetical when Gray speaks over the phone.

Page 43: "Semi detached" should be "semi-detached." Is the nurse the same young lady who called Gray? If so, I would refer to her as the nurse right away for clarity's sake. I would write Linda's first line as, "J... J... Julie? Is that you?"

Page 44: Once again, "women" should be "woman." Unless it’s a character trait, "must of" should be "must have" or "must've."

Page 45: You've written "women" instead of "woman" yet again. I could picture Gray slumping over in despair but I'm not sure she would be reduced to tears by the nurse's comments.

Page 46: Johnson's first line should end with a question mark.

Page 46 and 47: It looks as though you've used a zero instead of a capital O when writing V.O.

Page 48: Johnson's first line is rather formal, especially since he seems to have been quite close to Adams. Williams's last line should end with a question mark.

Page 49: Williams's second and third lines should end with question marks.

Page 50: Johnson's first full line should end with a question mark.

Page 51: You've neglected to continue using V.O. for Mason's lines. Given the length of the conversation, I would suggest cutting between Tim and Mason as this would work better visually. Tim's request for a ride should end with a question mark.

Page 52: Jeremy's second and third lines should end with question marks. "But he's fine but the cars destroyed" should be changed to "He's fine, but the car's destroyed."

Page 53: I'm not sure what the screeching sound from the bed refers to. Does it represent Linda' wailing as she wakes from a dream?

Page 54: Jessica's first line should use O.S. instead of V.O. as she is physically present but not visible at the moment. Jessica's second line and Williams's third and fourth lines should end with question marks.

Page 55: The slash at the end of Williams's first line should be a question mark.

Page 55 and 56: I know Williams is on edge, but his harsh questioning seems a little too over-the-top.

Page 57: I believe "Hows it my though" should be "How's it my fault?"

There were some other spelling and grammatical mistakes which you should easily catch once you give the script another look. Try your best not to confuse "women" and "woman" and don't forget to end your questions with a question mark, as these were your most common mistakes.

I would also recommend using the character's full name when you first introduce them in your action prose. For example, the first character in the story is listed as PC Adams yet he is referred to as Jack later in the story. You may as well introduce him as PC Jack Adams right from the start so as to keep from confusing the reader.

I hope these comments have helped you, Majorgeneral316, and good luck with your writing. I'll get to your Outsiders script as soon as I can.
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: July 16th, 2009, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot for the review Abel, really appreciated.

Yeah, I already new I had a lot of grammer mistakes in this one, but thanks for taking the time to point them out.

I'm happy you enjoyed the story, and I'm looking to change the breakout scene, to make it more realistic.

I'm also looking to show more background to the characters.

Again, thanks a lot.

MG



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Majorgeneral316
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What's up peeps,

This is my second draft for this script. It contains quite a bit of bad language and I've tried my hardest to get rid of the typo and grammer mistakes.

I don't mind exchanging. If anyone wants to, just message me.

Cool.

MG.



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jackx
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Sounds pretty cool, I checked out the beginning so far:

Starting right off you are telling, not showing, with Adams "being at the end of his night shift."
Also a LE night shift ends in the early morning, I dont think his wife or daughter would be awake from the night before.
p5 I can barely here you should be hear
You say long yellow tapes are everywhere.  This sounds wierd to me.  Why not just, the area is roped off by police tape, or something to that effect.
p7 we got spit up, should be split

That's through the teaser, not a bad start.  Maybe a tad on the slow side though.  Also I dont think they would wait until morning to inform the widow.  That would be happening pretty soon after they confirmed the id.

I'll keep reading once I have time.  If you're interested in exchanging I've got a script called Hard Case on the boards now.  Thanks.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: January 13th, 2010, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the read. Take your time, read it when you're ready. I'm also quite busy, but I'll definetly give Hard Case a read when I can.

I'll respond to all your comments, once you've finished reading it.

M.G.



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jackx
Posted: January 24th, 2010, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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P 10   Tim: your over complicating things.  Should be you’re
Also might want to rethink having Tim and Jim.  Kinda confusing to the reader, I do the same thing.
How does a black van ‘tower’ down a road?
P12  the mask men jump out, they holds guns.  Should be hold.
Realistically gunshots will never break handcuffs or leg irons.  Might want to have them jump in with big ass bolt cutters.
Personally I think you could go a little more stylistic with Tim’s VO as the breakout happens.  Like have his VO start while the caught guy is still in a holding cell, with a bunch of guards.  “Inside there will be too many guards, they’re in good position.  We let them bring him out to us”  As they lead Bad Guy to van for transport.  Then driving, “then nothing fancy, we need them to stop, we crash a van in to them.”  Et cetera.  Or something to that effect.  Depending on how Guy Ritchie you want to go you could even show what would happen if they did it the original way, so they run in and get shot.  Then Tims way.
“They speed off into the street until their out of site”  Man you gotta work on the homonyms, that’s two in one sentence.  Should be they’re, and sight.
Not sure what you mean, when the officers look around the white van is also gone.  You just told us it drove away.  We believed you the first time.
P14 New Year’s Eve.  Need apostrophe.
P15 your should be you’re again.
Williams phone vibrates, need apostrophe.
Int. Hideout
I’m not any kind of expert on format, but your slugs don’t seem right.  And there needs to be a little more description of what this place is exactly.
Commas before names in dialogue, You never let me down(,) mase
Your brother is one in a million, you get me. He never lets a you down.  He never lets who down?
“I wudda ripped your fucking head off. Seems whilst I’ve been gone some youngers have lost some sense.”  
Seems like the dialogues pretty inconsistent.  I find it hard to buy that someone would say “wudda”  then “Whilst”  one sentence later.  Also what’s a younger?
You’re kinda redundant explaining that there were no cameras on the actual scene, gray asks twice.
P22 "He won’t get caught. He doesn’t even has a criminal record."  Should be have.
Your like a brother to me.  Should be you’re
You tell us its crisply cold.  We aren’t gonna feel that.  You need to show us, not tell us.
You say the boy runs from the fletchers.  How old is he.  When you say boy I picture a young kid.
P26  "He reaches the top. There are two doors one on the left and right. Tim turns right. He puts the key in and the door Opens."  
This is a lot of words to say a pretty simple action.  Should probably streamline it a bit.
Tim makes a big deal about needing to go home, then all he does is get in a fight with his dad, then go to bed, even though his brother said to come right back.  Doesn’t make much sense.
P30  "I new him, jack."  Should be knew.
P32  “And you that that we hold up in court.”  What?
Grey wouldn’t supply the name of the cop to the guy she was interrogating.  That’s like breaking all the rules of good interrogation.
That’s up to page 33.  Starting to get interesting, but you might be going a little slow with it.  Other than the consistent editing errors pretty well done.  I’ll try to keep up the pace reading it, my computers been down for a few days.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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