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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  From Richest To Rags Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 26th, 2009, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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From Richest To Rags Pilot by Andrew DeFazio - Series - Ryan Matheson has it all. Money, power, respect, and a very beautiful girlfriend, but through a mysterious event he loses almost all his money and power. Now Matheson will have to deal with the situation he has been put in and hopefully adjust and get his power back. 57 pages - rtf, format


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Majorgeneral316
Posted: February 27th, 2009, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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I'm like ten pages in.

Don't think I'm going to finish it. Nothing to do with the idea or script its just not for me.

I thought I'd share some thoughts. You use 'We see' sometimes. I'd advice you to try and use other ways to describing the action.

The dialogue, for me, sounds to long winded and not believable. It doesn't flow. I think you should shorten it up.

Anyway there is just a few thoughts.


Quoted Text
[/quote] Ryan is the owner of a computer company along with many others though he usually leaves the members of the board to deal with the issues.[quote]


You shouldn't really tell the reader this. You should show it through dialogue and actions.

Good luck.



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