Brett
Good job here, I enjoyed it. I loved the intro, the description of the location plus its two inhabitants was excellent. The opening exchanges bewteen them were funny and sharp.
"Clark pops off the couch"-- "pops" sounds a little misused in this case, is it slang?
"Clark reappears in the living room, carrying a quart of
half-empty O.J. and a single Ho-Ho. He forces the whole
thing in his mouth and washes it down with a ten second swig
of the juice. BURPS. Satisfied."
-- Contradictory - If the quart is half empty would it take 10 seconds to drain it??
The toilet flushing off screen reminded me of Pulp fiction in Butch's house as you sat, the shock of realising someone is in the house with you -- makes for good drama.
Pg4 - Try and keep the action paragraph down to 3 to 4 lines max. Its a good piece of character definition though.
JASPER CRINDLEHOOD
Allow me to introduce myself. I am
the man of the hour. The coup de
grace. The Count of Monte
Cristo... but you can call me
Jasper.
-- Funny, I only watched "The Count Of Monte Cristo" last night...the remake.
Even though I like Jaspers entrance and subsequent greetings I thought the two would have copped more or less straight away who he was...instead him having to spell it out for them.
They don't know what an alibi, Jeez, Clark really is clueless.
JASPER CRINDLEHOOD
Too common. And personally, I find
it slightly erotic. -- Good line.
Jasper bends down and lifts the now mostly empty quart of
orange juice, needing a drink. -- What!? it's not finished after a 10 second swig?
I found the ending was a little predictable and well...a bit ridiculous. I would totally believe Clark leaving a known thief in the house while they went to rob some place but not Toby especially cos its his place.
I know the fact that Toby is even considering doing this heist in the first place indicates he can't be too smart either but on the basis of his character portrayal over the course of the scripts he would NEVER have let Jasper stay.
Having said that I loved the tongue in cheek spoof direction you took with this. The absurdity of Jasper’s reason for being there in the first place along with his actual “pointers” was very witty and well written.
The Jasper character was classic, stole the piece, which I'm sure was your intention.
Nice work, made me laugh...but I feel the ending could be better.
Cheers
Col.