SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:56am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Onus Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 23 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Onus  (currently 2430 views)
Don
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Onus by Kevin J Bergeron (themadhatter) - Short - 10 minutes. Three men. No escape. 11 pages. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 29th, 2009, 2:20pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Brian M
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Glasgow
Posts
434
Posts Per Day
0.08
I don't really know why I started reading this, I was in the mood for reading a feature but I think your logline caught me. I like mysterious loglines and had a strong feeling I would like this.

I wonder if a film called "Unknown" was a possible influence. It's very similar in the way that these people wake up in a room with no idea how they got there and it all comes back to them slowly until the final twist. It was a cheap film but I liked it. There are also hints of SAW in here, it almost felt like a scene out of one of those movies without the blood and torture which is a good thing, because I love those movies.

One note on format, your opening paragraph is 10 lines. They shouldn't be over 4 lines, it makes it much easier to read. You never made a habit of this though, I don't think you done it for the rest of the script infact. My suggestion would be to introduce the characters in seperate paragraphs.

This leads me to the characters. You called them by the names of their guns, Colt, Berretta and Glock. I like the idea of calling them something different because they don't know what their names are nevermind how they got there. The problem is that it gets confusing when they start picking up each others guns. I can't remember but we have something like, "Glock picks up Colt, Berretta picks up Glock etc". It becomes a bit confusing because the guns are a big part of the story so they get mentioned a lot. Calling your characters by the same as their gun makes it that little bit harder to read.

Mt suggestion would be too call them by the color of their shirt as this is mentioned in each of the characters descriptions. You did this in dialogue, calling one of them "Red". This would work so much better and make things easier for the reader.

I thought this ran a little long but still enjoyed it. It left me with lots of questions and I'm still not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I liked how it was very mysterious and we didn't know why they were there for the most part but when I found out, I don't know if I was 100% satisfied.  I thought the tape recorder was pretty pointless, maybe flashbacks over how they got there, spread slowly throughout the short, would work better, I'm not sure.

Character wise, I think there needs to be more friction. Beretta was way too cool about the whole situation. If I woke up in a room with 2 guys with guns, a tape recorder and no memory, I wouldn't act like that. I think you could add more suspicion on all of the characters before the end.

We are supposed to believe that this gas knocks them out, wipes their memory every fifteen minutes. Sure, I'll buy that. But having it happen every fifteen minutes in a kind of never ending Groundhog Day torture is kind of pushing it for me. I think some more questions need to be answered. Why have they all got guns? Why did one of them decide to lock them in a room with the gas? Why not simply kill the guy who killed Laura? There's too many questions. Leaving a few unanswered is fine, but with this many, it hurts the story.

All in all, it was a mixed bag. I think this can be so much better if you decide to rewrite. Bear in mind, these comments are aimed to help you with the story, not to be harsh. I hope this helps.

Brian
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
theMADhatter
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
Brian,

Thanks for the read and I appreciate all your criticism. You're right-it does get confusing with their names. Good suggestion, I'll change the names to their shirt or similar. I'm not sure what you mean about Beretta being "cool", I'll re-read it with that in mind. I like leaving the reader/viewer with some questions with this one, I'll consdier answering some of your questions - starting with the Groundhog Day situation... it is done on purpose. Death isn't a good enough punishment for these guys.

Thanks again for the read and I'll work on re-writes. They're on Celtx but I need to bring them off before I'd have to pay for it and figure out what else to use. BTW - how do I re-submit a re-write?



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
James R
Posted: March 16th, 2009, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Kevin. This was a good idea but I had a big problem with the execution.

It started right away with Beretta asking about the guns Glock kicked while he was out cold. How did he know that Glock had kicked the guns? For all he knew they were there the whole time.

The whole thing seemed to move too fast and it made it seem like the characters were being lead instead of figuring out their situation on their own. Does that make sense? Unnatural is the only word I can think of but I can try to elaborate if it doesn't make sense.

Like I said, I liked the idea. It just needs to be reworked a little to feel more natural.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
theMADhatter
Posted: March 16th, 2009, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
James,

Thanks for the read and I do understand what you're saying. I'll re-read with that in mind (as well as Beretta acting 'cool').

And something I left out before - Unknown was an inspiration to this. It was a good flick.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
24 Grams
Posted: March 18th, 2009, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi, I read alot of scripts here but I never post. I was lead to reading this because it's similar to a script I've written (will post it here soon). Anyway regarding the script. I didn't like it much to be honest. "I wish I had taken some of that gas, and forgotten I'd wasted time reading this script"...Only joking.

The formating was good, but some descriptions were unnecessary such as:
"he looks around the room. He notices first Beretta then Colt." Why is it important that he notices Beretta first? And "He stands up, holding his head. He GRUNTS. He looks around confused." after already mentioning him looking round the room.

Also nothing seems to be happening on most of the pages. I think it would have been better if at the beginning you gave us a suspicion one of them knew what was going on from the start. Put a dead body in there, an anonymous phone call warning them the cops are on their way, give it some intense...


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
theMADhatter
Posted: March 18th, 2009, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for the read. I guess I wrote what seems like unnecessary descriptions because I originally planned on filming this one myself. And thinking of writing and direction, Saying he notices one character than the other was necessary IMO, but the other one is redundant, I agree. I know not much happens, but it's a short piece (obviously) of mostly dialog and I felt it easiest to film that way. The suggestions (dead body, phone call) would 100% change the story.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
tonkatough
Posted: March 20th, 2009, 4:06am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
This little short got me excited cause I figured the ending with 5 pages to go to the last page.

Exciting cause it is very rare for me to do that.

I enjoyed the circular convensation on page 7-8. That was great stuff.

coll how your characters where named after guns.

the first few pages I found the direction clunky and difficult to read. But I think it is just that you have it all clumped together. Break it up into more sentence for each shot.

Plus I thought the script was a little to long for your idea. Needs to be tightened up. Maybe only having two characters might fix that up and cut back on the page numbers.    


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
theMADhatter
Posted: March 20th, 2009, 7:39am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
Tonka, thanks for the read. After I do some of the re-writes above I'll consider if there's enough fattiness that I can cut out to shorten the script a little. With my latest re-read, I noticed it was a little wordy at times. I'm hoping to buckle down at some point this weekend to do the initial changes to it. Thanks for the input.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
Andrew
Posted: March 20th, 2009, 9:51am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hi Kevin,

I felt compelled to write this - please don't re-name the characters! That was my favourite part of the script! The names just had a nice feel to them, and personally, I didn't find them confusing at all.

All the best,
Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
theMADhatter
Posted: March 20th, 2009, 9:56am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
Andrew,

Thanks. I did, too I've started to go through an re-name the character already. Not sure I like it... I'll keep it with Red, White and Tan when I submit the re-write, see what others think.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
..............................
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 9:20am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.00
I liked this lots, it was very SAW like and the whole gun scenario reminded me of the scene in resevior dogs.
I watch a lot of horror films but didn't see the end coming.
The dialogue between the three could be a bit sharper and maybe a tad more of the story could be revealed but this is picking, its an excellent idea and very original, something sadly missing in most horror releases these days!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 8:47am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Kevin

I'm reviewing as I read, so I'll relay my thoughts/reactions as I go. I feel it’s a better way to give the writer an idea of what the experience your script was like for the reader. Especially with slightly longer scripts anyway.


Despite the crude length of the opening paragraph, 3 or 4 lines being the max per paragraph, it is an intriguing (forgive the cliché reference) Tarantino-esque scene with elements of Saw in there too.

The naming of the characters as guns is a cool twist, very welcome, although I see 1987Brian point too...but I still wouldn't change it.

COLT
No. Then I guess we're all in the
same boat.

BERETTA
And it's sinking.

I found Beretta's reply to be odd...darkly abrupt even. I mean they've just woken up in a warehouse, its not the end of the world. At this point is he not thinking they can juSt walk outta there, no harm donE, your average result of a heavy drinking session.

Throwing the gun to Colt was a little strange too, I'm thinking there is something more to him as his actions so far have been very "on guard" as if something is gonna kick off.

I thought the immediate goal in a situation like this would be to get out of the warehouse and find out where you are, instead of messin' about with formal introductions & handing out weapons to "even the score".

Beretta checks the magazine in his gun. He slowly replaces
it and holsters it in the back of his pants. -- Where did he get the replacement clip?

"A BEAT of SILENCE. Glock presses stop. Colt looks around
frantically and runs to the only door. Locked. He walks
back, defeated. PAUSE." -- Five pages in and its the first time someone has actually tried the door to get out. Would that realistically be the case? As I said I think it would be one of the first avenues they'd try, no?

GLOCK
You did this! -- Very unexpected flash of anger from Glock, considering he's being very placid and calm up until now. I mean, ll Beretta said was that he knew Laura, did it warrant Glock's outburst?

"Glock springs up after grabbing the closest gun, the Colt.
Beretta grabs the Glock. Colt quickly reacts and picks up
the Beretta." -- I knew this "trading off" was gonna happen at some stage, but its still cool, nicely done.

COLT
Right now I don't want to die.
Yourselves? -- A comma after "now". It will dictate the phrasing of the line.

BERETTA
Obviously, no one's going
anywhere. We made sure of it.

I feel there is not enough action describing them looking for an alternative door, window, or some other way of escape. So far only Colt has checked the main door.

"Beretta springs up and walks around, looking at the warehouse." -- This is on pg 10, bud. Too much time has passed in my opinion.

COLT
Oh shit. You killed Laura, man! -- Yeah I figured that Beretta was overtly hostile from the get-go.

Good ole Mexican stand-off to bring things to a head.

An interesting last scene, what are we to believe...?

Pretty good job overall. The writing was very good as was the dialogue and the situation itself offered many questions. A little common maybe, these stories have been done many times before but are still very entertaining nonetheless.

"Cube" is a fantastic angle on the "waking up in a strange place with strange people and no memories" scenario, buts it's severely marred by B-list acting & dialogue, I’m glad to say that yours was a lot better in that department.

But as I said, the way the three or at least Colt & Glock went about solving their predicament left a lot to be desired, they were downright idiotic & headstrong in places. On the flip side it was a bizarre situation so nerves woulda’ been a little shot, who knows how we would react.

A definite nudge to "Saw" here... and may I say, that ain’t a bad source to borrow from.

Good job

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
theMADhatter
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 9:05am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dracut, MA
Posts
82
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for the read, Col. And lots of input, that's appreciated. I'll look through and comment one of yours.

Saw, Unknown, Cube all influences. I'm glad they were seen.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I found Beretta's reply to be odd...darkly abrupt even

Agreed, I've always had trouble with that line. There was something I found off about but decided to keep it in anyway. I'll explore other possibilities.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Where did he get the replacement clip?

Miscommunication. He replaced the same clip back into the gun. I'll change the wording.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Five pages in and its the first time someone has actually tried the door to get out

I think I'll have Beretta wake later and Glock will check out the door. The only reason I can use to explain why this wasn't earlier was because of the disorientation of not knowing where they are and Glock checking up on Beretta and Colt to see if they're OK.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Very unexpected flash of anger from Glock, considering he's being very placid and calm up until now.

Done on purpose. He's loosing his cool. I'm not sure if I conveyed it well enough and I'm sure the names of the characters confuses, but I tried to have their emotions and characteristics follow the guns. So, while he still hasn't gained the beretta, he's transitioning right now.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I feel there is not enough action describing them looking for an alternative door, window, or some other way of escape

Again, miscommunication. I've changed the beginning already (but haven't posted) to describe the area better. This is WAY smaller than you probably imagine. Like, the size of a second bedroom.

Thanks again for the input. I've already done one go-through with a draft but it looks like I need to do a little more. I almost feel lazy that I haven't gotten a revision up yet, but this isn't my full-time gig.

-kjb.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 24th, 2009, 9:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Kevin

Yeah I visualised the warehouse locale to be a lot bigger.

I like what you said about the mood of Glock changing in direct correlation to the weapon he has left and which one he is on the verge of acquiring. Thats a clever technique, it never clicked with me while reading it (my own stupidity).

You should try and explore this a bit more and incorporate it into the re-write, add a further dimension to the piece.

Best of luck with this

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006