Becoming by Bryan Mora - Short - A teenage boy struggles between what he feels and what society permits. 2 pages - pdf, format

Bryan,

I get the feeling I have missed something here. Who is Conner? Is there some type of name change/typo thing going on here?

Conceptually, I think you have a decent little thing going on. Justin is 16, and while perusing the 'net, he comes across a site that piques his interest, which runs contrary to his initial intention. However, as a reader, I felt a little cheated, 'cos there's nothing to suggest anything has happened beyond a young man having some form of awakening - possibly.

My suggestion would be to lengthen this one, and tidy up the Justin/Conner error (assuming it is).

The writing is generally good, but I think the length hampers a decent concept, and ultimately we are left with nothing.

Andrew

Being honest, i was horrified writing this script. I didn't know why- exactly, but i felt self-conscious about how a reader would absorb it. But i can never control that.
And frankly, thats a positive to writing, seeing their reactions and thoughts.

Someone suggested Justin was becoming a pedofile, someone said i was perverted, otherwise, others understood the "awakening" in Justin.

Andrew, thanks for pointing out my name errors. For some reason that has become a constant error. I need to sit my ass down and reread constantly.

Honestly, this scene, i don't know either if there was a point. Not the best thing to say. But it reminded me of a short where a boy met glances with a girl on a bus.  The two shared glances, looked away, and rode the rest of their ride not talking even when they wanted to.

By the time the guy mustered up the nerves to talk to her, she'd gone. That was it. The end.

With "Becoming", i wanted it to be the height of his curiosity. To delve into his urges for the first time. While exploring in the site, he's only to be pulled out by a quick moment. In Justins case his parents coming home.  And as Justin collects himself in the bedroom, its his "awakening."

Thanks for reading...and WOW, that was a lot more then i intended to write.

well written but fragmented and fruitless.

Despite the taboo subject this was still just a "slice of life" effort that had no point.

It would be like me writing a two page script about me driving alone in the car, pick my nose, retrieve a big booger and after much consideration wiping that booger under the passanger seat so my wife will not see it and have an outburst if she should see it like the last time I wiped a booger on the dash. "Slice of life" Taboo but pointless  

I kinda finished reading this with an expression similar to   but with a little more confusion mixed it. Not sure I really got the point. Some dude seems some other dudes getting their sex on and realises he's gay? Seems a little Arthouse for my taste, but hey, that's me.

I might be a stickler for details, but:

Why is there a gay picture on a website clearly called 'NUDE GIRLS'. Girls. Nude.

I don't think I've ever seen a porn site with such a blatant name. Again, stickler-ing - but something more creative would peak my interest more.

Also, you forgot the name of your main and ONLY character? Huh?

A close encounter with no moment of which to talk about.

The writing's fine, but I can see reason for writing this.

I'm I missing something?  Cause the parents certainly did and their days go on as if nothing happened.

All the best with any potential rewrites,


Javier

Brian

Was this on the site before, I'm convinced I've read something similar. I do think its a good idea you've got here but its in desperate need of further thought and development.

I look foward to a more "complete" draft from you. Don't give up on it

Col.

Thanks for the reviews guys. Colkurtz8, the ending has always been difficult for me. Infact i think thats why i decided to post here. To maybe get some critiques on how to finish it.

Cause i really don't know.

Thanks again guys!

Bryan,

I read your explanation to this. Still don't think it works as a story. Nothing really happens and nothing gets resolved. I understand about the "awakening" part, but Justin is only 16 so I personally think that's a bit young to decide which team he'll be playing on for the rest of his life. Right now Justin comes across something out of curiosity, gets turned on. Lots of hormones flowing through the veins of a 16 year old. I don't think that's enough for an awakening. At least not IMHO.

I don't know if there was a reason to keep this at one page. I would suggest, kicking this up some. Up the danger level of almost getting caught and instead of just looking at a couple of pics maybe Justin could start chatting or talking to another boy. That would to me at least be more believable as an emotional "awakening or becoming".

The writing was fine.

Best of luck.