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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Squirt the series Moderators: bert
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  Author    Squirt the series  (currently 5288 views)
Don
Posted: April 5th, 2009, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Squirt: "Too Much Citrus" by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Dan is quite abruptly endowed with the power to squirt a jet of water from his index finger. 7 pages - pdf, format

Squirt: "Fashion and Focus" by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Rufus and Dan get to down to business. 7 pages - pdf, format

Squirt: "The Auditions" by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Dan and Rufus hold Sidekick auditions with the help of Rufus' little sister. - pdf, format

Squirt: "Over" by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - The team has a day of reconnaissance, in which a clue is discovered and a sidekick gets a costume. 11 pages - pdf, format

Squirt: 'Publicity by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - A newspaper article is printed about Squirt after Dan stops a purse-grabber. 10 pages - pdf, format

Squirt: 'Up the Ante by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Sean finds a sidekick in Momo and they develop a scheme. Dan and Lisa plan a "date" as do Rufus and Sue. - pdf, format

Squirt: Dates by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Dan and Lisa enjoy a work-date. Rufus and Sue enjoy a picnic. Sean and Momo enjoy a kidnapping. - pdf, format

Squirt: Trouble by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - An unexpected arrival causes strife amongst the Squirt Squad as Sean and Momo further their scheme. - pdf, format

Squirt: Viral Video by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Sean and Momo discover that Dan is Squirt as their hypnotic you-tube video reaps mayhem. - pdf, format

Squirt: Climax by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Series - Rufus and Dan stop their squabble to save their respective ladies...and the world. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 21st, 2010, 2:40pm
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 5th, 2009, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey all,
Just thought I'd write a filmable web series for a project this summer.  Any comments would be appreciated.

And thanks, of course, to Don for putting it up!

-Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)

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Higgonaitor  -  April 5th, 2009, 10:36pm
of curse I meant of course.
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Tommyp
Posted: April 5th, 2009, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yo Tyler. I gave this one a read. Notes below...

- "Inside their is a pre-cut grapefruit" - should be "there"

- "effectively stpping it" - "stopping"

- "all natural steel-making proccess." - "process"

- I had to google Jeopardy to find out why Rofus was answering with questions... If I didn't know what the show was, it would sound weird. Maybe pick another show more known? (I could be making a fool of myself here because Jeopardy is probably really popular... but anyway)

- "I prefer the classic yet classy knock. Sue me." - Made me laugh out loud. Good stuff.

- I like how it ends, but I don't like the last line.

Overall I thought this was really funny Tyler. Easy to film, funny, and you are setting up some interesting characters. Well done, I look forward to the next one...



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Tommyp  -  April 5th, 2009, 8:04pm
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 5th, 2009, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, Jeopardy is sort of a huge deal, at least over here anyway.

As for the last line, I was really just going for awkward humor.  Did you just not think it was funny?  or too abrupt?

I was thinking, after reading your comment and re-reading it, that maybe I should add an action line along the lines of: "Rufus smiles slyly, as if simply repeating his claim will get Dan to agree.  Dan shakes his head, Rufus looks down."

Or something like this:

RUFUS
But it might...

Rufus has a sly smile, as if he has some theory . . . Cliffhanger music plays and the screen cuts to black. (I can do that, I'm filming it). Closing Title card (Squirt) appears.

Cut To:

Rufus sits at the table in front of a finished grapefruit and an empty glass of OJ.  Dan, with an impatient, bored expression, sits with his finger in the bucket.  Rufus flicks his index finger in the air.

RUFUS
Okay.  Definitely not too much citrus.




Something like that.  Do you think either of those makes a better ending Tommy?

Thanks for the read, btw.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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Tommyp
Posted: April 5th, 2009, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Once I re read the ending a few times, I do think it's funny... but could be much better. If you were to go with the original ending, I would have change this line,

"Well Dan, it just might have everything to do with your finger jet." To something like, "Well Daniel, it might have something to do with having too much citrus." The the last line would work better I think.

Saying that, Rufus has some doubt, he isn't sure. This isn't really him, as he's a mega nerd right?


Quoted Text
RUFUS
But it might...

Rufus has a sly smile, as if he has some theory . . . Cliffhanger music plays and the screen cuts to black. (I can do that, I'm filming it). Closing Title card (Squirt) appears.


That is more of the kind of thing Rufus would say, but not as funny as the awkward, "But it might..."


Quoted Text
Rufus sits at the table in front of a finished grapefruit and an empty glass of OJ.  Dan, with an impatient, bored expression, sits with his finger in the bucket.  Rufus flicks his index finger in the air.

RUFUS
Okay.  Definitely not too much citrus.


I don't really like that bit.

So overall, I would change the second last line Rufus says, and the last line will look better.


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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First off I think I already explained my like for the superhero genre so with that out of the way here goes.

I read the comments by TP and he said the error stuff so I can focus on the script.

The line for the episode says "Rufus tries to discover it's origin" but he really doesn't. He makes a few out of the blue guesses and doesn't really DO anything. It seems odd that he comes to those conclusions and they are right in a sense. Maybe he also has a power and that sets it up I don't know and that's why it seems odd.

If the next episode is about the villain you mentioned on the WIP boards I would put the episodes together into one. You can still film it separately but I personally feel a "pilot" or first episode should hook you and if you meet the hero and the villain in one episode it works so much better.

The episode by itself as is works fine but in my personal opinion I think it needs more to introduce us into the characters world. The dialogue and the story are the selling point which is why I think you need more in this episode. Four minute episodes will work fine for a web series except the pilot which should introduce the cast.

I also go by watching other web series.

Edit: I forgot to mention in my initial post that the title is awesome. A good way to interest readers/watchers. Another short lived web series by an SS member had a title that made you want to watch it too.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

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Old Time Wesley  -  April 14th, 2009, 5:11am
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Wes, (I Don't think I'll ever get too used to calling you steven, and I've known thats your real name for like, three years now)

Thanks for the review.

I added a few pages to this script, and it includes introducing Dan's Love interest, which I think gives us a bit more of a view into his world.

I actually didn't plan on introducing the villain until the fourth episode.  The first three are just sort of supposed to introduce our heroes.  Do you think thats a bad idea?

I'd have posted the re-write of this episode, as well as the next two, but the OWC is in action, and I can't until 4/20.

I really liked the title too.  I just hope that too many people aren't dirty-minded about it  

I think you're right about the problem with the logline.  I think I'll change it to something like "Dan is abruptly endowed with a super power."  Short, but sweet.  And the powr is definitely (probably) not caused by too much cirtus.

But it might be...

ha.

Thanks again.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: April 14th, 2009, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Higgonaitor

I added a few pages to this script, and it includes introducing Dan's Love interest, which I think gives us a bit more of a view into his world.

I actually didn't plan on introducing the villain until the fourth episode.  The first three are just sort of supposed to introduce our heroes.  Do you think thats a bad idea?

I'd have posted the re-write of this episode, as well as the next two, but the OWC is in action, and I can't until 4/20.

I really liked the title too.  I just hope that too many people aren't dirty-minded about it  




I look forward to the new version. The villain suggestion was based solely on personal preference. If the first four are interesting enough and people keep coming back... the villain can wait. Time will tell. Since you're not filming yet, you can toy with it and make sure it hooks people.


Quoted Text
April 20 ("4/20" in U.S. date notation) has evolved into a counterculture holiday, where people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis.


How will you get anybody to read it on a holiday haha


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Higgonaitor
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How will i get Don to post it on this particular holiday, i think, is a better question.  (:


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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jayrex
Posted: April 16th, 2009, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad Tyler, but like me pointed out, the stakes could be upped.

How about for comical effect, have Dan standing around waiting for someone or a group of friends or family arrive.  And he has his hand in his pocket.  It starts off as a trickle, then progresses onto a full-on jet speed hose.

Increasing the page size to ten might be better too.

As for the ending.  Citrus squirt in the eye is bound to up the ante.

Will be interested to see how this one develops.

All the best,


Javier


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Eoin
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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RUFUS
Hello Daniel. How are you?
Rufusí face changes from that of pleasant conversation to
that of confusion.
RUFUS
Well, thatís odd. Right out of the
index finger? Hmm.
Rufus takes a bite of his English Muffin.
RUFUS
Very curious. Iíll be over as soon
as I finish breakfast.

This is a two sided converstion in one location. A (V.O.) of the other character other switching form one location to the other would work better. Also The dialouge should read as RUFUS (CONT'D) after the interjection of scene action.

I find RUFUS a little bit one dimensional and a sterotypical English toff/geek. He's about 50 years out of time. There are very few 18 year old english guys who talk and act like this. The character would be much more credible if he were toned down, especially the upper class mannerisms and manner of speaking.
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 21st, 2009, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,
Thanks for the reviews. The Re-Write of the first episode is up, and the ante has been upped with the addition of a love interest for Dan, so it's worth a re-read for the introduction of a new character.

Badbaz,
This is a comedy, and one element of comedy is having unusual characters.  Rufus is an example of this.  Also, it is a script about a kid abruptly endowed with the power to shoot a jet of water from his finger...it's meant to be a bit out there.  Thanks for your advice, though, and in the future I'll keep in mind that I do have to be careful with Rufus, and not take advantage of his unusuality.

The second episode is up as well, and I think the third should be finding its way up there pretty soon.  Any feedback is, of course, appreciated.

-Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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Tommyp
Posted: April 21st, 2009, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler. I liked the second episode. Good stuff.

- Again, I think the last line is a letdown. It could be better.
- The "focus" went on for too long I think.
- Dialogue is good. You are moving the story along well.
- Dan needs to be a bit deeper. Add some more to his character I think. I haven't read the rewrite of the first episode, so maybe the love interest is what is needed.

When is this being filmed?

Good work, it's funny and smart.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 22nd, 2009, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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First off,
Hey world, third episode (and my current favorite) is up.  Thanks Don!

Tommy,
Thanks for the review...you should really re-read the first though, enough changed, and it really shouldn't take too long.  I'll work on shortening the Focus part.

I'll be filming it this summer, probably late july/August.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
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Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
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stevie
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Hey Tyler, i waited till now to comment. I've been reading the series as you've been squeezing them out (haha) Mate, excellent comedy, really out there. It's seems familiar in it's context but you've given it a distinct flavour of your own writing.
Watermelon fists is an absolute classic! Are you a Monty Python fan? That could have been in one of their 'interesting people' skits.
The formatting and grammar were good and things were kept moving. I was a little confused by Sarah getting on the turps - so the plan was to get her drunk and ? was that for pure comedic relief? Maybe I misread it. Anyway keep it up. I wait for the next installment.
Oh, just a thought: we didn't see the finger squirt in that episode. Maybe it could've gone all over the kitty girl or one of the others? Cheers


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