Red Leather by Jonathan Amar - Short -  Stefan is an ex. S.S. executioner who realizes that he must punish himself for his past actions. 4 pages - doc, format

I actually had to read this one a second time, thinking I had missed something.  I'm still left with questions.

You describe Stefan as an ex-S.S. executioner, which doesn't work.  As the writer, you're supposed to show us things in your description, and not tell us.  If you were to film this script, how would you convey his past when all he is doing is standing in a bedroom.  In fact, if you took those key words out:

Quoted Text STEFAN SCHWEITZER, an ex-S.S. executioner, early 80s with a fragile and gentle appearance, is staring at the box. He is wearing a white button down shirt tucked into a pair of black slacks.

You described a nice old man.

Later on, you show us who he is by his actions, which is good. That's how you tell us who and what a character is.

The red asterisks were very distracting.  At first I thought that you were pointed out significant items (much like capitalizing them), but they kept popping up when it came to the notebook.  They actually became annoying.  Even more annoying, I thought, was that there was nothing at the end of the script to tell me about these items.  I expected footnotes.


SPOILER SPACE


Regarding the story, itself, I didn't feel the remorse that Stephan felt.  You didn't really tell a story here but, rather, the end of a story.  How did he suffer?

His suicide confused me.  He gutted himself like a fish and then he got dressed and loaded a gun to shoot himself in the head?  I'll give you points for being thorough, but not for realism.  He would be in a lot of pain after cutting himself open.  I don't think he would be doing much after this.

Regarding his suicide note, are you really imagining showing such a lengthy note on the screen for a minute (or so?).  It might be better to have Stephan reading it in V.O. as he bleeds out.  Looking at writing on a screen gets boring real fast.

The story could be fleshed out a little bit.  I didn't feel anything for the character as I jumped in at the point where he kills him.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Jon, just read this short.  I agree with everything Phil said.  You also had a number of examples very passive verbiage in here, as well as some major over describing.  The initial description of the room is a great example.  Afew blocks of prose that were too long also popped out.  I'd also refrain from the camera directions.

I get the idea here but don't feel you pulled it off properly, as we don't know anything about your character that makes us care about him.  The end is also a big letdown, with that long letter thing.  It would be much stronger in a V.O.  

Jonatha

I pretty much subscribe to everything the two guys said above, camera directions, over writing and those red asterisks all need to go or be cut down. And definitely go with V.O at the end as Stefen doesn't speak once. Of course a mute protagonist can work by all means but in this case at least hearing his voice at some part of the script will help the audience relate to him better thus packing more of an emotional punch at the end.

You have an interesting subject and a lot could be done with it. But again as Phil correctly said, we only get to know Stefen right before he kills himself so how are we suppose to know or feel anything for him except the fact that he was an rather "busy" Nazi during the war.

Why is deciding to top himself now? You should ewind to some previous event that really drove home the barbaric actions of his past, resulting in this extreme decision. Basically we need some background here to fully engage with this chararcter regardless of the fact that the audience is never going to like or empathise with him.

Good idea, best of luck with any further development.

Col.