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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dartacus Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dartacus  (currently 2857 views)
Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dartacus by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - Mitch is a champion dart player. When his daughter is killed by a drunk driver, Mitch seeks revenge armed only with the one skill he has.  8 pages - pdf, format


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jayrex
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hello Glenn,

Not bad.  Quite an enjoyable read.  Not sure what to make of the ending.  It sounds good, but doesn't feel quite right.

I would rewrite the following line as it's a given Carlisle sits opposite.

On the opposite side of the table she sits at is Mitch and his wife Cindy (50’s)

The second dart thrown is an ouch moment.

Everything's nicely broken up, but feel the read could be that tiny bit faster if you removed the 'is' words within your descriptions.

I don't agree with the underlined name on page three.  Use a wryly to emphasise the name.  Or better yet, leave it out altogether.

Why's two people described as soft?

Overall, an enjoyable read.

All the best,


Javier


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michel
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

just read your short. A very interesting and touching one. I have nothing to say about your way to write but found some issues.



**********************SPOILERS*****************


The main one is if Stan is charged for DUI manslaughter charge, I'm not sure he would be at home. He should be in immediate preventive retention.

Then, if he gets a dart in the eye, I don't think he would be able to talk. The pain would be too strong. That leads to my last remark. I perfectly guess the punch line is strong, but Stan wouldn't ask AGAIN Mitch who he is, knowing already he's Gina's father.

Anyway, it was a good read. I enjoyed it

Michel


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stevie
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glen, how you been ,man? When I saw the title, first thoughts were: hmm, spoof about spartacus playing darts, could be funny. Then I opened the thread, saw it's one of your scripts. Yep, the logline looked good.
I have mixed feelings about this. The idea is good and we get the gist of it. But it comes over a bit forced. Maybe if you flesh it out it could work better. It all seems rushed. The formatting and actual writing is fine, no worries there.
Perhaps you could spread the story out over a few more days or even a week. This would give the story a chance to 'breathe'. Does that make sense? Anyway, cheers buddy.



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grademan
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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I have just a few points.

"bull's eye" does not have a hyphen

No need to underline the DUI driver's name. It's emphasized enough during the phone book search.

A couple of "is" uses to remove.

I usually don't like to  suggest lines but these jumped in my head. The question "Who are you?" is not realistic just before the closing line. How about "What are you?" or leave it out so Mitch can mutter "Dartacus  is my name" or "...and'another bull's eye make eight.!"

Just trying to help a very good story along.

Gary
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n7
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,
I really enjoyed this one, it took a dark issue and mixed it with something completely unique and unexpected. There's a certain cool weirdness to it that works really well.
The build up to the confrontation at Stan's house with Mitch knocking on the door seemed to follow too straight a path, would have been interested to see how the scene would have played out if Mitch had hunted him down somehow or somewhere and been able to catch Stan off guard with a dart instead.
The one line that almost took me out of it was Cindy's "your over fifty". They were speaking about something so serious to them and the line almost read as comical. Besides that, everything else worked well.
Mitch's last line is great final pay off that is so bizarre but completely works for the story. Nicely done!
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NME
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,

This was a good read, the story flowed which was nice. I would have to agree with n7 would have been nice to have Mitch catch Stan off guard maybe following him home from yet another bar or walking out to his trash can to dump some trash and catching him there with a dart in the back of the neck.

Other then that a good read.
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Andrew
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Tonka!

Your darts script is here finally. This script is really quite different to the antics at the Railway Inn!

Anyway, I think conceptually you have a wonderful idea - the lack of justice meted out today results in an average man taking the law into his own hands, while using his 'champion skills' to dish out HIS justice. This is really solid ground for a story. However, the final product felt a little too hollow. I think the issue is that you appear to have conviction as a comedy writer, and this attempt at drama has resulted in a hybrid that doesn't fulfil the requirement of either. The last line did make me chuckle, however.

I just think that you need to shape the characters and make them more real. Stan, for example - why is he professing that he is a computer geek at one moment, and the next minute he is taking Mitch down like a UFC fighter? It just doesn't mesh too well.

There are a few other tidbits like that throughout the script. I don't know, I just get the feeling you view stories in a surreal Gilliam type way, and that is why I can't relate.

The read was quick, and it didn't feel like a chore at all. A decent script, but I think it would benefit from a definite genre, and a few tweaks.

Andrew


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James R
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Glenn. Clever title. And a good little script.

It seems callous to give the couple the newspaper to read about the accident instead of being forward with them about their daughter's death. I think a detective would give it to them straight.

And I don't think a detective would tell them that Stan "is not a murderer" when the trial hadn't taken place yet. Cops avoid outright statements like that with suspects and the public. She might have said he is not charged with murder, though.

Very touching little scene with Cindy playing Gina's message. Been used a lot, but still touching.

Why would Cindy remind Mitch he's over 50 when he says he wants revenge? I don't know of any father in the world, regardless of age, who would let anything stop him from avenging a child's death if they really wanted it. It just seemed out of place from a wife who obviously misses their daughter too.

Loved "gone to settle the score".

While the ending was supposed to be revenge for a child, the last line was funny. It was the only funny line in the script, which made it seem out of place. Maybe I just don't think that a guy with a dart protruding from his eye would be able to speak beyond "AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!" or something similar.

Not bad. Good characters, solid writing.

James


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James R
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Just read through the reviews and I loved grademan/Gary's suggestion about the last line of dialogue. Maybe Mitch counts the bull's eyes up to five in the beginning and his last line could simply be "Six." Interesting idea. Props, Gary.

James again


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tonkatough
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, interesting responses to this script.

For everyone who is familiar with the scripts I write, this one is way, way, way out of my comfort zone. I really wanted to have a crack at something different to what I normally write.

Biggest concern for me was the overuse of "is"  I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself for letting such a trivial mistake slip into my writing.

I checked all the current shorts I have written and see it is a problem.

Yes, you really must be vigilante as a writer as you never know when you will slip into lazy bad habits to make your writing easy.

Thanks for the heads up Jayrex and grademan.

Michel and James R thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies with real life DUI procedures in my script. This is the first time I’ve written a script like this, I don’t watch crime TV, have no knowledge of the law, so I had to fake it so to speak.  

And Andrew Allen I had a big smile when I read your observation on how I view my stories. I guess you can take Tonka out of Gilliam but you can't take the Gilliam out of Tonka.  If that makes sense.  


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Andrew
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
And Andrew Allen I had a big smile when I read your observation on how I view my stories. I guess you can take Tonka out of Gilliam but you can't take the Gilliam out of Tonka.  If that makes sense.  


Haha! I thought so. I should've prefaced by saying Gilliam is a tremendous director. 'Twelve Monkeys' remains one the '90s most compelling movies, I think.

I would definitely like to see you do something strictly drama, Tonka. The concept you have here is very good.

Btw, I guess Darts must be pretty big in Aus now, too! Here in the UK, Sky Sports have done such a tremendous job in commercialising the sport, and making it highly accessible to the mainstream - personally, I think that's at the expense of Snooker in the UK's affections, but that's another thread!

Cheers.


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Cam17
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Glenn,

Didn't care for this one.  It started out fairly well.  I like the Dartacus character and can picture him in a comedy.  I just found it strange how you stuck this character into such a morbid script.

I know I wasn't supposed to laugh at the ending, but I have to admit I found it hilarious.  Just the image of this guy tossing darts at the dude who killed his daughter.  And then the "I am Dartacus" tagline.  It was a bit much.

Also, it didn't make any sense that Stan would ask the question "Who are you?"  He already knows exactly who Mitch is.   That line just seemed like an obvious and unnatural setup for the final line.

As I said, I sort of liked Darticus, but I think you have him in the wrong genre.

Cam


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James R
Posted: May 6th, 2009, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
Michel and James R thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies with real life DUI procedures in my script.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. Where's the research prior to the writing?

It's hard to do research for a short and actually a lot of writers just make up everything. I think when it comes to real life legal situations though, people will catch errors very quickly what with the obsession with cop and lawyer shows on the tube.

James


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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 8th, 2009, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Glenn

First off, great title you got here. It immediately interested me.

As for the script itself, like what Steve said above I thought this was goin to be a spoof given the title to be a pun.

For the first six pages this was a very good drama. Some of THE best work I've read from you, really drew me in. I liked the set-up, the dialogue and pacing was spot on. Stan was a prick of unbelievable proportions, blaming Mitch for him driving drunk and killing his daughter!! Denial at its most apparent.

At that point you had me totally on Mitch's side and I smiled with glee when he was exacting his revenge.

But the corny closing exchange left me scrtching me head. If it were a spoof it would fit perfectly but as I said this was good, solid and above all serious drama up to this point. Did you insert that line for a laugh as its not something a grief stricken father whose just lost his daughter would say.

And why would Stan ask who he was in the first place, Mitch had introduced himself only a couple of minutes earlier.

It did make me laugh when I thought about it for a moment. I just hope it was an intentional jab at comedy as it is so out of place with the rest of the script.

Great first six pages, man. Not sure about the punchline, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Take care.

Col.


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