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like you think you have a really cool idea and don't know what comes next, so spit this out. this is not a short. it's an intro. interesting, yes. want to know more? yes. but there ain't no more.
This does seem like an interesting opening scene. The modern day/futuristic elements works with the story but, by itself, it's just an incomplete piece.
Hey Trelan, sorry but I’ve got to agree with what’s been said above. I felt that this was more a “scene-select” - a teaser for a feature. What’s with the proliferation of shorter than short “shorts”?
Also, bit of advice - your title page font is too large – sorry but it screams “needy” and unprofessional.
And, your main character: “JACK (late teens, gangly) bounds around the table and hugs Pamela from behind” reads as a much younger kid – made me think of the kids in “Big” – that age.
If this was a set-up for a feature then you at least hooked me but, I want more! Libby.
I read it... It's 3 pages long. This could've been put in the "work in progress" section. It doesn't even end. Am I missing some of the script? It's going along, she slaps the thing out of ol'buddies hand, and then it ends... FADE OUT:
Anyways, a few things I noticed were things like
"His eyes searches" -- I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense.
Some of the dialogue was a bit hit and miss. For instance when his mother says --
"Trust, Jack"
That seems kind of informal for a mother/son conversation. Unless Jack likes to be reffered to in the 3rd person. I dunno... people like that sort of thing.
All in all, I read this because I had done a "Jack and The Beanstalk" script a few years back and was seeing how this take went down. It was called "JACK'S TRIP" and dealt with a teenage dope fiend "Jack" who gave his girlfriend to a druggy in an alley in exchange for some pills. "magic beans" and thus he went on a trip up a beanstalk... It then, of course, took a turn into a horror script.
Wow! I was about to send Don an email asking if this would be posted!
Ok, this was my very first script written a few years ago. I found it in an email to myself and decided to post it. My instructor had asked me to marry a fable with a sci-fi twist.
LC, yeah, I reviewed it and thought I should've said 'early teens' or change his dialogue to match his age. Also, I didn't format the title page, Final Draft did.
I'm thinking of finishing it but I like the feedback. I thought you guys would've complained about the dialogue.
Baltis, his eyes searches(probable should have been 'search') suggests the camera panning the fridge.
Yeah, as everyone else has said, this isn't a short...it's a 3 page beginning to a much longer script. And because of that, it doesn't belong here.
IMO, way too many wrylies used in 3 pages. Also thought most of the dialogue didn't really sound too good. And finally, as LC said, the kid sounds much younger than late teens, based on his actions and dialogue.
It does have the makings to be very interesting though...maybe that's why I'm irritated that it just ends.
Yeah, as everyone else has said, this isn't a short...it's a 3 page beginning to a much longer script. And because of that, it doesn't belong here.
IMO, way too many wrylies used in 3 pages. Also thought most of the dialogue didn't really sound too good. And finally, as LC said, the kid sounds much younger than late teens, based on his actions and dialogue.
It does have the makings to be very interesting though...maybe that's why I'm irritated that it just ends.
Honestly Dreamscale, this sounds like you're just repeating what's been said without your own take. Well except the wrylies, which I'll say is just a matter of taste and not a hard and fast rule.
As for it not being a short, it's a short until I develope it further. I'm sketching out ideas now...
"Sorry, but this makes no sense to me. Every character, written well, ought to be unique, or at any rate, identifiable. The dialogue was trite. People in real life don't speak this way: It felt... unnatural. I think the twist was quite nice but the setup wasn't good enough."
According to IMDB Jack and the Beanstalk http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=jack+beanstalk&x=0&y=0 has been done 33 times. "Can I ask though; why does everyone borrow from already existing films? Can we see some originality? Plagiarism and regurgitation bug me. They really do"
LOL! Michel, don't you get tired of feeling this bitterness? Are you going to carry that around for all my scripts?
Yeah, you're right, Jack & the beanstalk's been done before, popular fable that it is. Please remember that I mentioned my instructor asking me to do this. he wanted to see if We had grasp the concept of hitting different beats in a scene.
Still, I'll twist things up further, using this premise...
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After the Trade
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Libby.
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