SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:09am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Jaw Knockers Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 12 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Jaw Knockers  (currently 1844 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Jaw Knockers by M. R. Phillips (matt44west) - Short, Dark Comedy - Four friends end up in a messy situation during a game of strip poker.  6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
slabstaa
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I thought it was well written but I didn't get anything out of it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 16
LC
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
The writing is fine, but that makes three of us unfortunately. Maybe all the "backstory" is in your head and some of it needed to come out on the paper. There's card playing, some footsies under the table, a gun obsession, the bridge, the swings - I just don't get it - too obscure. Can you shed some light on this perhaps?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
Andrew
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Well, that was an interesting script.

The opening kept evoking 'Alpha Dog' for me - just seemed to have that tone.

I kind of guessed you were flipping between the playground and the lounge to progress the one arc, but thought it was maybe a little too explicit. We had the seemingly innocuous bridge, which was of course set up for the body disposal, and when you mentioned there being two bags, it was obvious - too early, I think - that Aaron was heading for a grisly ending.

The main point that I think the others are making here is that we have no explanation as to motives, or any exposition as to why these events are unfolding. I think LC summed it up quite nicely by saying that the back story is likely in your head, and unfortunately not on the page. This is something that I personally am guilty of, but I digress.

Oh, and the metaphor (was it?) with the feet was largely lost on me.

Don't be discouraged, though, 'cos you've written something compelling, but it just requires contextualising.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
Trojan
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
393
Posts Per Day
0.07
I also didn't understand this at all. Your writing and descriptions are good, but the story itself makes no sense to me. Also to have that many FADE TO BLACK and then FADE IN during such a short script is distracting and slows down the pace of the story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
steven8
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 1:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22
Well ,it seems to me that the girls are much more interested in each other than they are the guys.  The gun deal gives the girls ideas, and the mid-point of the script is them day-dreaming about knocking off the guys so they can be alone.  Then, at the end, they take the bull by the horns and take out Aaron so they can 'play footsie'.

Interesting script.  Reminds me of something the Coen brothers might think of, but I would change the playground/footbridge scenes into montages.


...in no particular order
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
grademan
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 9:07am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
I think most writer's of shorts tend to come up with great ideas and rely on a couple of strong images but not enough story to top it off. That's what I saw here.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
Toby_E
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 10:42am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hey,

Firstly I didn't understand the cuts to the other random scenes?

And the girl's reaction to the gun-shot was damn unrealistic... Most girls I know scream when a car backfires.

Overall, I just didn't really see the point in this short, sorry. Expand it more, give it a purpose.

Toby.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
JamminGirl
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto Ont.
Posts
335
Posts Per Day
0.06
ok... The writing was clean but the story...? Kind of a non-story, isn't it? I didn't get it.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
dresseme
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I can't for the life of me figure out why this script was written.  I'm guessing it has something to do with what Gary alluded to in centering your script around images rather than an actual story.

I really wish the writer of this piece was here to defend his work.

Also, dark comedy?  What was supposed to be funny?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 16
Dreamscale
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I’m going to disagree here.

Although the actual writing is OK, there are numerous mistakes that shouldn’t be here in such a short script.  It’s an interesting style, and very visual for sure.

What really works here is the imagery and symbolism. For me, it is very impressive and well done.  It’s got a wild kinky and wicked vibe to it, and plays out very nourish.

As for what’s going on, I think Steven nailed it for the most part.  Only hints are given and most of the action is shrouded, or not completely shown.  This appears to be very intentional, and for me, it really works well.

Clean up the mistakes and omissions, and I’d say you’ve got a very impressive little short on your hands…one that is unique with beautiful visuals that say a Hell of a lot more than the few words on the page.

Nicely done!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 16
James McClung
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Sorry. I didn't dig it. I felt the cutaways to the playground and bridge were both pointless to the story and asthetically boring. It took me out of the main action and deluted the overall flow of events. I thought the events themselves were boring as well. Not only did I miss the point of the dialogue but it also made me question how these characters would all find themselves in this situation. Why would these girls want anything to do with these creeps, let alone play strip poker. There's simply not enough information to infer, only to speculate.

My personal thoughts aside, the writing itself felt very focused and dilliberate so I'll assume you have an explanation for everything I've mentioned above. It definitely seems like this is close to what you set out to write. I just didn't enjoy it. Different strokes...


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
michel
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
France
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.18
Where's matt44west?


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
Tommyp
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Continuity Is For Pussies...

Location
Australia
Posts
701
Posts Per Day
0.12
Hey Matt, if that is your name. Read the script, was interesting. I understand why the girls didn't react like normal girls, screaming or whatever, because they were about to kill the other guy, but I think they should jump or shout or something.

Also, was there a reason in there for why the girls killed the guys? I couldn't see it... so maybe chuck one in embed it in the story, it will work much better.

Overall not a bad script. Well written, just needs a bit more.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
rendevous
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
I tend to agree with TommyP and Dreamscale on this one.
I enjoyed the imagery and the framing. At first I wondered what the hell is going on but I think it paid off. It does leave a feeling of wanting to see more. What happens next? Or what happened before?


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006