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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Seven Deadly Sins: Lust - The Portrait Moderators: bert
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  Author    Seven Deadly Sins: Lust - The Portrait  (currently 2720 views)
Don
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Seven Deadly Sins: Lust - The Portrait by Michel J. Duthin - Series - A man living in complete lust can have everything he wants. But true love comes to him in a strange way. 14 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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interesting imagery, all lusty. i knew this guy was imagining before the punch line. he wanted something he could not have. the narration was irritating; telling me what i could see and figure out anyway.

is it compelling that this guy is so horney he gets his fill of real women and then, obviously so empty of life and purpose, ditches the real and resorts to jerking off in public? not for me.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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but you know, in the context of the seven deadly sins, and taking hold of you , getting its hooks in you, like lust sank its claws in this guy, ate him from the inside out, it works very well. the doc getting a woody over the same image says she's a looker and that her image has the ability to lure men by when tempted by lust.
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grademan
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Michel, congrats. You suceeded in weirding me out, I am not sure the V.O. (I heard Antonio Banderas in my head) was the way to go in this one but it was effective at the end when Brad starts to betray his hold on reality. Good short descriptive/action lines. Your English is getting better but there are still several oddly worded phrases or incorrectly spelt words.

Thanks for heading up this effort to give us the Seven Deadly Sins.

Gary
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steven8
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Michel that is a fantastic piece of work.  The voice over was the only way to go, in my opinion.  His disembodied detachment from the whole situation is just what this called for.  Visually and mentally engaging, perfectly paced, and the flashbacks showing the reality of what he was imagining is a very creative way to reveal information.  The twist at the end leave a wonderful dangling element for the viewer to continue the story on their own.  I finished this in perhaps four minutes.  Well done!
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GM
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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A quick read. Good character development. I kinda saw part of the ending coming but you still surprised me. I'm interested in the other episodes.

Gabe  
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Baltis.
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Reading this one as I go along here... I was interested in the concept of an Anthology-like collaboration, as I've done one myself. I even wanted to participate in this one, so naturally I'd like to see how the 7 stories all unfold.

A few things that stood out to me that I'd initially correct are the following.

1st thing's 1st - Hand comes into Frame. Cut it. How about this --> An Orange Notebook lay atop an old desk. A hand opens it to the first page. Scribed in trembling black letters, the first line is spoken in narration.

2nd -- A night bar crowded by where music plays loud. -- None of this sounds right to me.  How about: A typical night in an over crowded bar. Music plays at a deafening level.

There are others, but these two particularly.  The others would be all of it was in a VO. No spoken dialogue or interaction with the other characters at all.  I know it wasn't leant in that respect, but it made reading it and not seeing it much more of a chore... That is the problem with an artistic approach in film today. It's something you have to just do I suppose.

I'd also like to know what everyone's fixation on Masturbation is all of a sudden... Why? Why does every script have to be loaded down with jerkin' off "ha"  Anyways, it's a good attempt. You have a lot going for yourself here.

I'm looking forward to the other entries in this.
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Helio
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Great work, Mich! A type of story I'd like to have written myself; squizoid, masturbations, sex azian woman, black woman, antiques, Masseratti car, all things I love to talk about. ha-ha!

The final was a  special piece. You did it very well in my point of view.


nice job mon ami!
cheers
Helio
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stebrown
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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Nice work Michel, good way to start things off with the series.

If you had more room, say 30 pages or so, I'd have preferred you to lose the V.O. as I think you could have made the ending more of a surprise. With 15 or so pages though i think you needed that just to save space really. It was well written and gave a good description to his character and how he lived his life.

Like I say, I kinda saw the ending coming, but it was still a good payoff and the way you did it was good with all the flashbacks of what was really going on, in kind of a 'Fight Club' way.

I enjoyed it. Strange, but entertaining.

Ste


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel, I've been waiting for this series to start, as I think itís a very good idea.  I started it last night, but didn't get through it (girl friend pulled me away), but got back to it first thing this morning.

Hmmm, lots to say here.

Michel, I know that English is not your first language, so Iím not going to mention any of the issues related to thisÖbut there are many, and it definitely dose make for a tougher read, for me.

I wasn't crazy about the V.O. running throughout the entire piece. I'd say that was a bit of overkill, because it makes everything seem so far away.  I felt so removed from the action and story.  And to make things worse, the whole thing is told by Brad, but then his narrative disappears, and you have actual dialogue for the first time in the last scene!  I donít understand why you chose to do this.  I mean, it just doesnít make senseÖthe entire story is being told by Brad, but then it ends with him in a mental hospital, and 2 doctors discussing what went down, and then, this Dr. Reigl, seems to have similar issues with the photo, and weíre left to assume that itís an ongoing deal.

The fact that Brad is taken away, so to speak, doesnít make a lot of sense to me either.  Why would he be locked up?  Because of public indecency?  Heís frickiní loaded, why couldnít he get himself out of the loony bin?

OK, Iíll move on.  Your script did manage to have an interesting feel to it.  Even though I felt very removed from everything, I could still see what was taking place.  It had a very dark, dirty feel to it.  I think it was a bit over the top in terms of the masturbation stuff, and the sex with every imaginable partner (blonde, redhead, Asian, South American guyÖ).  Just a little too much, IMO, but in a way I guess this made the script what it is.  Sure seems like a seedy area and life style, though.

There is a good deal of passive verbiage, which took away from the action, again for me.  This could easily rectified.  It seems like maybe you ran out of time?  Not sure, but a rewrite could sure fix things up alot.

So, bottom line, I think there are issues here that you probably could have taken care of with some more thought.  I think some dialogue would have helped this quite a bit, but if you really like the V.O route, you need to lose the dialogue with the 2 docs in the last scene and end with a V.O. from Brad.  Iíd also recommend toning down all the masturbation stuff.  Itís just something that no one really wants to readÖor see!

Michel, donít take what Iím saying as all negative, because there is definitely a lot of good in here.  Itís got a great visual nastiness to it.  Itís a unique take on the theme of lust.  Brad is an engaging character, but pretty despicable.  You came up with a good story and it flowed pretty well throughout.

Good job!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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michel
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, thanks to all of you. I can see different opinions (good and bad), and I'm quite surprised because I have to admit this is the weakiest episod of the series. It was there to fill the gap of a missing one.



Quoted from Baltis.
1st thing's 1st - Hand comes into Frame. Cut it. How about this --> An Orange Notebook lay atop an old desk. A hand opens it to the first page. Scribed in trembling black letters, the first line is spoken in narration.

I agree with you. I can't imagine I missed that one.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I wasn't crazy about the V.O. running throughout the entire piece. I'd say that was a bit of overkill, because it makes everything seem so far away.  I felt so removed from the action and story.  And to make things worse, the whole thing is told by Brad, but then his narrative disappears, and you have actual dialogue for the first time in the last scene!  I donít understand why you chose to do this.

This is very simple and thought it was obvious like Baltis outlined it. The V.O. is Brad's diary.


Anyway, don't loose your interest because the others to follow are far better.

Michel


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alffy
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Michel,

Very strange story but I found it really entertaining.  There was a real strange tinge to this tale and it was very well written.

I thought the V.O's worked well throughout, as if Brad talking to himself rather than a listener.  I didn't get the gay scene though, this didn't seem to fit with the whole womaniser theme than throughout the story...did I miss something here?

The ending was as strange as the story itself, in a good way.

I really enjoyed this and will definately check out the rest of the series.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Michel, no, I didnít get that.  Just read the beginning over again.  I guess I see what youíre after now.  InterestingÖI was actually quite confused by the openingÖ

ďINSERT

A casual notebook with an orange cover.
A hand enters the frame and opens it to the first page.
Itís filled with a trembling black ink handwriting.
The first line matches to the V.O.Ē

The ďINSERTĒ kind of threw me off here.  When I read ďINSERTĒ, I think of actual text being shown, and because you started with the orange covered notebook, I didnít get it.  Maybe itís just me, but I think this needs clarification and a rewrite to make it less confusing.

Now that you clarified it, everything makes a lot more sense, and the V.O. is much more understandable.  I also see why you ended things the way you did.  It works much better as a whole now.

Am I the only one who didnít get this?  Maybe I didnít drink enough last night?????


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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michel
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Maybe I didnít drink enough last night?????


Maybe did I when I wrote it?

Michel



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michel
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Quoted from alffy
I didn't get the gay scene though, this didn't seem to fit with the whole womaniser theme than throughout the story...did I miss something here?

I've tried to show lust in its every way. Brad finds his pleasure with everyone. Even with men.

Michel



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