Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth - Dolewaller by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Series - Adam, the local dosser, has a new drinking partner. I don't think he approves of his slothful ways. 11 pages - pdf, format

Stebrown's Sin is here.

Michel

Hey Ste, what up, mate?

Read your Deadly Sins script, so here goes…

I really like your writing style, Ste.  It’s got a great feel to it, and the visuals you bring out are well crafted.  I could totally see everything playing out here, and I commend you on that.

I was enjoying this quite a bit, but I’m afraid it hit bottom early on and never really recovered.  They story starts out quite engaging, and Irish’s entrance is well done.  The pint refilling itself and time stopping was also nicely done.  I’m not too keen on him being God, though.  And the rest of the story doesn’t go anywhere.  I was hoping for a lot more.

IMO, you don’t need the supers at the start, as the word never gets mentioned even.  Also, being so short, I just think they’re unnecessary here.

I like the flashbacks but you wrote each one differently, and I think that’s an issue.  For instance, in the 2nd flashback, you wrote “END FLASHBACK” on the next slug, which seems odd.  I did like that they are in black and white…it adds a cool visual for sure.

So, Ste, although I definitely like your writing here, the story leaves a lot to be desired. It starts off well, and then  peters out quickly.  The ending isn’t much of an ending, IMO.  I wish you had gone further, added some creepy elements, anything to make this stand out more and be more memorable.

Good effort though for sure.

Stebrown,
Hey, I likes this up until him and God part. This was where the story ended in the copy you emailed me. Personaly, I thought you were heading in a differient direction, you know like being SO slothy (is that a word?) that he was going to bring God down into his slothy lifestyle. You're writing is spot on and I found it a good read.

Shawn.....><

Good effort here Ste. I would have enjoyed the story more had the fear of death not come from Irish (God). And Adam (interesting name choice) doesn't seem like a slothful loser more like a normal slacker. Still you told your story  in a OWC-like  challenge. I did like how you suggested Irish at the end of the story was guilty of lust.

Gary

Ste,

The writing here was excellent, and you brought the classic British boozer alive, quite literally. The fruit machine through to the drunks who sit just as you described, you were able to show any non-Brits exactly what a working class pub is like.

Irish was a great potential character, but I reckon you ran out of time with this one, so we were unable to see his true benefit. I did love the description at the end when he was with the ladies, and his slicking back of the hair - made me chuckle.

The use of the Elvis reference was such a great opportunity for something a little outlandish with Elvis, and I would've loved to see it developed.

That said, this script was entertaining, but it just lacked the punch I felt you were building us up for. I think that we're left with what it is - a draft in need of completing.

As I say, however, I loved the way you depicted the pub, and how your descriptions were so succinct in achieving that.

Andrew

Hi steve. Yeah, I enjoyed this. The descriptions of the pub and it's characters were great and depicted the feel straight away. The script could easily stand alone, outside of the 'Sins' concept. I can see where some others might've not enjoyed it after Irish turned up, but I didn't have a problem.  Overall, nice piece.

I really liked this script.  I agree with Jeff that the formatting on the flashbacks were uneven.  Straighten that out, and those are fine.  I liked the way you did the supers in the beginning.  The word, then the definition.  However, I wouldn't use the word definition.  Id have Dolewaller (n.), to illustrate that your doing a dictionary thing, then just show the definition.

I liked the God idea, and the inference that he's popped up to give him a head start on being grabbed by the devil.  Very cool.  Well done, ste.  Nicely paced and very visual.  Well done.

Hey Ste

First of, love the title!

I really like the way you describe the opening in the pub, an image that's easy to picture...every workys club is like this lol.

Adam's character is believable enough and Irish's entrance and the whole suspician moment is very funny.

I'm not sure why Adam suddenly only has an hour to find a job but his mini adventure in trying to find one is entertaining but I wonder if he wouldn't have asked his dad first, even if he already knew his answer.

Like I mentioned, I'm not sure why there was a sudden ergency for him to find employment but that apart I really liked this.  I like reading your stuff cos I can really relate to the language you use...obviously.  Anywho good writing and a nice little story.

Thanks for the read everyone. Yeah, the deadline kinda killed me on this one. Could have done with another week, but what the hey.

The supers at the start are kind of the titles, but as its a word I thought wouldn't be known by anyone outside of England I put in the definition. I figured it would look cool too and I wanted to set-up a close-up of the burning cigarette end to kind of symbolise his life burning away. Steven, I like your idea about dropping the word DEFINITION and just haven't it as more of a dictionary translation. That would look better.

The flashbacks are different each time because the way they work are different. The first doesn't change time of day or location during the flashback, so I had seperate slugs saying when it was a flashback and when the flashback ended. The second does change location so I fitted the flashback/end flashback onto the end of the slugline. I figured it was the clearest and most space effective way of doing that. The black and white was just a visual thing that again I thought might look cool and make the time difference clearer.

Basically, this was just a light hearted comedy with a bit of a message to it. If you waste your life eventually you're going to pay for it.

Thanks again for the comments and Alffy, good to see ya back around here fella.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown Thanks again for the comments and Alffy, good to see ya back around here fella.

good to be back, i think i needed the break. not been a good few weeks for the north east either has it!

The descriptions and writing style were very good. It seemed to peter out towards the end IMH. At the start there seemed to be a lot more going on.

It reminded me of one of the Acid House stories by Irving Welsh.
I can't say I've ever heard of a dolewaller, I met a lot of them in the north west. They were just called doleys, amongst other harsher names. Is it local to a region?

Anyways, overall I enjoyed it. You nailed the boozer pretty well and kept interest throughout.

Quoted from rendevous It reminded me of one of the Acid House stories by Irving Welsh. I can't say I've ever heard of a dolewaller, I met a lot of them in the north west. They were just called doleys, amongst other harsher names. Is it local to a region?

Yeah, the whole God idea is influenced by Acid House. I love the film and love the book.

People say dolewaller around here (Newcastle) but not sure if it is just a regional thing. That's why I put the definition in.

Oh and Alffy, yes a terrible couple of weeks but the premier League is a micky mouse league anyway. Who needs it!?

Good clean writing but the story wasn't very good. All you had was a guy trying his darndest to get a job after (drunkenly hallucinating and mistaking an old irishman for )God visiting him. Ok, so maybe in your story the old man with the women on his arms is your version of God(blasphemy!) but apart from that character, nothing dramatic happens.
The flashbacks told us what we already knew(and what the characters themselves said pre-flashback) so they weren't needed.
Keep writing though. Good effort

Thanks Jammin. Yeah, this isn't one of my better scripts storywise. I struggled with the deadline a bit and couldn't really develop this as much as I would normally.

I haven't written anything for a while though so this was a good exercise for me, getting me back on track.

I agree the story isn't very good but hopefully there's enough going for it to at least not be boring.