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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Seven Deadly Sins:Gluttony: Tale of Donkey & Trash Moderators: bert
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  Author    Seven Deadly Sins:Gluttony: Tale of Donkey & Trash  (currently 2779 views)
Don
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony - The Tale of Donkey and Trash by Gary Kohatsu (abe from la) - Series - Two overweight movie stars learn that the only way out of this Fat Farm is to play ball with the sadistic director, known as the Sarge. 18 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  May 31st, 2009, 8:40am
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JamminGirl
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Nice twist. I noticed you used the names 'Kirtie' and 'Britney' so I guess Alley is Kirstie and Chelsea= Britney. mean guy.
btw, these girls were kinda masculine(with all the cussing and headlocking). You may want to rethink that. Most girls exhibit more cattiness than fistfighting. We like our manicures, Thanks!
I don't usually read long shorts, but not bad!


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton

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Angry Bear
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Gary!!!!

I always love reading your stuff. Your writing is really great and you always have really really great dialogue.

I really enjoyed reading this one.

The story itself was good, but the writing made perhaps the story seem better than it was. I don't know how to explain this. Technically it's all good. All the elements are there. Ally and Chelsea struggle with their own problems and with each other and with Sarge, so there is a lot of conflict for sure. Maybe it was the ending that didn't quite work... It was a little bit like "it was all a dream" kind of thing.

Don't take that to harshly however. I really liked it. It was a quick and great read.  Good to see your writing again!

Pia  


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Ledbetter
Posted: May 31st, 2009, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,
I am new here and if you see what i have produced so far, my word really does not mean squat. But I wanted to chime in on you're script. First off, I liked it. I felt as sorry for the dog. He seemed to be the only one with any manners.  As a newby, i read somewhere that a script should shy away from endorsements such as TABASCO, NIKE, MTV etc.

As to the technical stuff, again, I'm new but I wanted to point out what I thought could use something.

It seemed like they simply stumbled upon the boot camp instead of having any idea as to their destination.

Should it be "what is this place" instead of "where is this place"

A small item. Being past military, Dinner would be 1800 hours and breakfast would be 0600 hours.

One more thing: You got to run through fifteen yards of hot, slippery-ass shit.
What does that mean?

looks down at the red fluid that cover his body.
What does that mean?

I loved the over all read, although I do agree with Jammingirl when she said it seemed like they were a bit to butch.

You do good work.
Shawn.....><

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mcornetto
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Thought I would give this a read and see what you did with the subject.  

Overall, I thought it was a fun read.  I thought you captured Ally and the Sarge quite well.  I did think Chelsea could do with a bit more feminizing though.  

Besides that (and one other thing) I don't have much to criticize.  Both the writing and your dialogue was quite good.  I like the little twist when they "find out" what happened to Mellisa Montgomery.  

The other thing  is perhaps the biggest issue I had with the script.  It was a sort of realism problem based on the premise.  Surprise! It's a reality show.  

I know this is the movies, but in real life they would know they were doing a reality show.  Things like Punk'd don't last for days, and something like these two were going through would have too many liability worries to ever actually happen.  Most certainly someone would have been on the scene when they captured Sarge.

I wish there were an easy way I could suggest to both have them know it's a reality show and have all the events unfold they way they do - but I can't think of one at the moment.  So it will have to work as it is and I will have to try harder to suspend my belief - luckily you don't spring that surprise on us until the very end.

Cheers,

Michael  
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary, what up?  I always laugh when I see your name, cause I think of you as Abe.  Oh wellÖmoving on.

Sorry, but this one didnít work for me too well.  The story, characters, and the complete lack of reality are what doomed this, IMO.

There are a number of typos and mistakes of that kind.  I didnít jot them down as I read, but Iím sure you can find them quite easily.

Many have commented on the great dialogue, but it didnít do it for me.  Sure, itís witty and slick dialogue, but none of it rings true to me.  All the dialogue comes off almost like a comedy.

And maybe thatís the biggest issue I had with it.  Itís just not my genre.  It definitely is written like a comedy, but deals with very serious subject matter, in many ways like horror, even.

All the characters were complete A-Holes.  I donít see how anyone could like a single one of them.  The setup was completely unbelievable, all the way down to Sarge running the place on his own.  And the ending?  Well, again, doesnít make a bit of sense, in terms of reality.

But maybe thatís my problem, looking for reality in a script that doesnít make any effort to offer reality.  I have a feeling those that really enjoyed this, enjoyed it for your crisp writing, your hip descriptions, your witty dialogue and one liners, and maybe even the twisted humor.  None of that stuff impresses me, Iím sorry to say, so overall, this just didnít succeed in my eyes.

Gary, youíre obviously a very talented writer, so donít worry about my personal opinions on this script.  I was just looking for something a little more realistic and gritty.  Probably a lot of my feelings are based on the mood I was in when I read this and what I was hoping for.  Know what I mean?

A well written piece, nonetheless.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stebrown
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary, I think this is the first script of yours I've read. I liked it, good characters and a good, simple but humorous story. Eddie Murphy may be in touch as his fat suit hasn't had an airing for a while and I think he'd be perfect for both parts haha.

There isn't really a lot to critique about this as it's a pretty simple structure and you pretty much nail the key beats. I would maybe have liked something that made the script stand out a bit more. Not sure what that would be, but it just felt as though you could have done more with this. Kind of like you played it safe.

The ending worked for me, I kinda figured it out when the sarge was trying to explain but it completes the story pretty well.

Good stuff.


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michel
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
There are a number of typos and mistakes of that kind.  I didnít jot them down as I read, but Iím sure you can find them quite easily.


To stand up for Gary, He had no much time to make it and I think he did not so bad.

Michel


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Michel, I agree.  I think Gary did a great job, interms of the writing.  I think most will really like this.  It just isn't my cup of tea.

BTW, what was the timeframe that writers had to deal with in this series?

PS  How come they're being posted so oddly?  It seems like they were already posted days ago.  I'm confused.  I thought each night a new one was going up?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Trojan
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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I think with comedy it comes down to personal taste. It seems a few people didn't get it but honestly I thought this was hilarious. Very well written and the dialogue was sharp and witty. Good story and good characters. I think the women were exaggerated for effect so I didn't have a problem with them being too masculine as a couple of people said, I thought it worked to make it funnier.

One query though... is mother fucker one word or two?  
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rendevous
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I think it depends who's saying it.

I like it when it's spelt mutha fooker myself


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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michel
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
How come they're being posted so oddly?  It seems like they were already posted days ago.  I'm confused.  I thought each night a new one was going up?


I know. But Don might do what he can. Anyway, one per day is a good idea to allow to read each one of them.

Michel


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Abe from LA
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Quoted from JamminGirl
I noticed you used the names 'Kirtie' and 'Britney' so I guess Alley is Kirstie and Chelsea= Britney. mean guy.

Hey Jammin Girl,
Thanks for the read.  Yes, I blew it on the name switch.  I thought I made the changes, but obviously not. I wasn't all the subtle on the specific role models, especially after I've named them.  But i did ramp down Allie's age by about 20 years.

Quoted from JamminGirl
btw, these girls were kinda masculine(with all the cussing and headlocking). You may want to rethink that. Most girls exhibit more cattiness than fistfighting. We like our manicures, thanks.!

I hear ya.  I didn't give the femininity aspect much thought. I just went with what I thought, but your point is very valid.  Maybe one of them can be on kind of brutish, but not both.  Haha.  it's probably all of that GLOW I was forced to watch some years back.

Quoted from Pia
Maybe it was the ending that didn't quite work... It was a little bit like "it was all a dream" kind of thing.

Hiya Pia. Yes the ending was not necessarily a bad idea, but execution left something to be desired. It's rushed and sloppy.  I blame it on all that dang Tabasco sauce.  

Quoted from Pia
Don't take that to harshly however.

All I can say is, Stop Making Me Cry! I have feelings, you know.  Now some people say that is far from the truth.  Ha.  I'm a grilling-kind of guy.  So grill me and burn me.

Quoted from Pia
Good to see your writing again!

Thank you.  I've written three short pieces in the past three months, but unfortunately all the pages added up to less than 40.  I now have a 2 1/2 month window to write, so I intend to make the most of it.  I just can't get 'Wolf' out of my thoughts.  Shall we...?

Quoted from Ledbetter
I am new here and if you see what i have produced so far, my word really does not mean squat.

Not true. People who respond with critiques are worth more than those who don't, regardless of experience.  You love movies, right?  Well you have experience as a film goer and that experience can be applied to how a story comes across.  All of the technical jargon, the screenwriting style stuff will come in time.  I appreciate your reaction to scenes, story.  From what I can see and read, you come to SS with energy and the right attitude.

Quoted from Ledbetter
As a newby, i read somewhere that a script should shy away from endorsements such as TABASCO, NIKE, MTV etc.

The way I look at it is that you can write any product or song into your script, but if you go further along in the process, you might have to remove them. Product placement I think is different from say, using a copyrighted song.
I don't see this piece as anything more than a paper movie, designed to be read and no more.

Quoted from Ledbetter
Should it be "what is this place" instead of "where is this place"

That makes sense.

Quoted from mcornetto
The other thing  is perhaps the biggest issue I had with the script.  It was a sort of realism problem based on the premise.

You make a valid point that fingers a flaw in the story. Despite being a movie, this story would work best if rooted in reality. If I had one more hour to work on the thing, I might have concocted a more realistic setting.    Honestly, I think it's a good perspective to take in looking at the "reality" of even a reality piece.  If only I had let your read this script before it hit the boards.  If doing it all over, I would take a slightly difference path.  Thanks, Michael.

Quoted from Dreamscale
Sorry, but this one didnít work for me too well.  The story, characters, and the complete lack of reality are what doomed this, IMO.

Yeah, the lack of reality overall was a land mine. I know you're not a comedy guy and neither am I.  Why I chose this course is...beyond me.  In retrospect, based on your comment and MCornetto's, I think I could have turned this into a darker piece. Such as have the women think they were doing a reality show and then having things unravel as the Sarge became more unhinged.  Then I would have a cheap, low-bud horror film.    That would be my speed.

Quoted from Dreamscale
There are a number of typos and mistakes of that kind.

What can I say but where are they?   No, I confess to being sloppy.  I was so consumed by the overweight characters that I didn't check my work.

Quoted from Dreamscale
Many have commented on the great dialogue, but it didnít do it for me.  Sure, itís witty and slick dialogue, but none of it rings true to me.  All the dialogue comes off almost like a comedy.

I hear ya.  The dialogue was purely surface scratch, dumb-ass banter.  I think only on a couple of instances, and I mean very brief moments, when the dialogue carried some subtext.  The less-than-wonderful dialgoue is a product of the characters, who I'm ashamed to say are pretty hollow. I'm not suited for comedy and developing characters in a comic setting.  I went for laughs and didn't do much to flesh out the characters.  Lesson learned: I'll leave the comedy writing to Mike Shelton and others.

Quoted from Dreamscale
It definitely is written like a comedy, but deals with very serious subject matter, in many ways like horror, even.

It would have to be very dark comedy and I think it could work as horror.  But it is such an unbelievable situation, that I think it reads like the two dumbest celebrities on earth go to slaughter camp.  Of course, there are some pretty stupid horror movies that skate a similar path.  Yeah, I'd definitely go horror on this if I were to start over.  Thanks for your input, Jeff.

Quoted from stebrown
Eddie Murphy may be in touch as his fat suit hasn't had an airing for a while and I think he'd be perfect for both parts haha.

Yeah and Eddie could also be Sarge.  Thanks for the read, stebrown.  I'll return the favor.

Quoted from Trojan
I think the women were exaggerated for effect so I didn't have a problem with them being too masculine as a couple of people said, I thought it worked to make it funnier.

Yeah, the women were written for effect.  But honestly, I didn't give the feminine angle any thought.  If I had, I might have gone a bit gentler.  As is, the two celebs just come out firing from both hips.  Thanks for your comments, Trojan.
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Abe from LA
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
To stand up for Gary, He had no much time to make it and I think he did not so bad.
Michel


Thanks much, Michel.  I was indeed sitting down when I wrote this story.  Next time I will stand up so you won't have to trouble yourself.  But I do appreciate the support.   

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, this hits F.U. B1ch on the crudometer, but it accomplished itself very fatly I'd say.

It was all a dream has now become: It was all a reality show. Very nicely done with that.

I think this is a good example of a tale that remains true to itself. Even if that truth is outlandish.

It's mostly clean copy (except for content of course  ). I noticed that when you had the girls in their dual dialogue, you must have changed the names at one point and here they were off.

No suggestions for improvements really on this one. It's uniquely disgusting.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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