Playing God by Craig Cooper - Short - A scientist discovers an amazing side-effect to the travel pods he is working on; They heal. After many experiments with injured animals, he naturally progresses to human subjects in the search for perfection. 59 pages - pdf, format

Very gripping and emotional. I think it would transfer well to screen

Hey there, I wanted to offer some advice to you, so I went over your first 2pages.  Here’s what you need to look at.  Hope this helps.

Page 1 - First paragraph is 8 lines long!  Way too long!  Never go over 4 lines.  Starting off this way is an obvious sign that this is from an amateur writer.

First line says nothing – what does “of fairly decent size” mean?  It doesn’t tell us anything and it really doesn’t mater what size this lab is.  Your 2nd sentence is also way too long!  Look how many thoughts you have in this 1 sentence.  It needs to be seriously broken down.  You need a comma after “desk”.  The last portion of the sentence, about the body slumped up, is an entirely different thought and needs to stand on its own.

“VOICE OVER” should be “V.O.”

First sentence under new slug is again way too long.  You need a comma after “overcoats”.   You also have 2 passive verbs in this single sentence -  “bustling” and “taking”.  You don’t want to write passive sentences…especially at the very beginning of your script.  I’d actually concentrate on rewriting this into at least 2 shorter, more concise sentences.

When you first intro a character, you need to use all caps.  Again, this sentence is insanely long and again has 2 examples of passive verbiage –“inputting” and “verifying”.  Instead of the incorrect “is sat at”, just write “sits”.

“lab assistant” should also be all capped, as it’s his first intro.

Don’t use “(CONTINUED) at the bottom of each page and “:CONTINUED” at the top of every page.  Completely wasted space.  Your screenwriting software should give you the ability to turn this feature off.  It will save you 2 lines on every single page.

Page 2 – If a character is going to have speaking lines, you might as well name him.

First sentence is again poorly written…check out this quick rewrite, “Ken spins around in his chair.”  - Here’s the deal, we don’t care if Ken is sitting on a leather, swivel desk chair, or if he’s sitting on a plastic bar stool. It doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t get in the habit of over describing such things.  The 2nd part of your sentence, “to see who is calling him” is also unnecessary, as it’s an unfilmable aisde you’re telling us.

Next action line is again poorly written…lets’ give it a quick look.  “Ken get to his feet, to help the assistant with the crate.” – “get” should be “gets”.  “to help the assistant with the crate” is again unfilmable, as it’s merely something you’re telling us, and not something you can show on film.  Here’s a really quick, simple rewrite, “Ken stands up, and helps his assistant with the crate.”  But, the way I would actually write it is without the “and” – “Ken stands up, helps his assistant with the crate.”

Next sentence isn’t much better.  You start off with “He”, but I thought Ken and the assistant were both on the crate?  So, “He” doesn’t make sense…it should be “They”.  2 more passive verbs in this 1 sentence again.  And, ending the sentence with “on there” just isn’t good writing.

Next sentence is another 3 line sentence!  Just way too long.  Write short, concise sentences.  You start it out with yet another passive verb, “Taking”.  I also don’t quite understand how he opens the crate lid without spilling the cups of coffee. Why are all these cups of coffee on the crate anyway?  As far as we know, there are only 2 people in the room…Ken and his assistant.

Next sentence – another passive verb, “holding”!  Pretty much every single sentence you have written has at least 1 passive verb.  Maybe you are not aware that you want to avoid passive verbiage whenever you can.  Nothing wrong with a few here and there, but these are jumping out on every single line of you first 2 pages, which is not the way you want to start things off.

Now there’s suddenly a crowd of assistants!

Next paragraph is 5 lines…too long!  2 more passive verbs, “nestling” and “tapping”.

Next paragraph, 2 more passive verbs, “placing” and “sliding”.

OK I can’t go on any further.  I’d suggest reading up on screenwriting do’s and don’ts.  I’d also recommend reading as many scripts as you can.  Avoid passive verbiage whenever possible.  Write short, concise sentences.  Don’t write paragraphs over 4 lines.

Sorry to be harsh, but I think this will help…at least I hope it does.

Take care and best of luck in your writing.

Thank you for your comments, I appreciate you taking the time to point things out. You're right about this being from a amatuer writer, this is only my second attempt, and your constructive critisism is taken on board.

All the best.

Craig,
Not sure if you're still around but I'll let you know what I thought.

Good title and an interesting premise.
You've had advice on format and spacing paragraphs, if you do this right it can have an effective impact. I'm thinking about the word 'body' near the opening.

Some of the dialogue sounded clunky. Some of it was very good. The conversation near the start with the two women was hilarious in parts. If you trimmed some of the dull stuff the strong stuff would be better.

The bit where the doc talks to himself about the rabbit didn't work too well. He needs a video diary scene or someone to talk to, otherwise it just comes across as exposition.

Would a dad talk about the 3 s's in front of his teenage daughter? he might, seemed out of place.
I like Elizabeth's reaction around p. 28. Unexpected and quite realistic.

I got a bit lost on who Ken was. He's got a family and he's working in a lab with plenty of assistants but yet he to ask one of them to go to a pet shop to get animals. I might have missed something but this seemed weird. Do he need all these assistants?

There's a lot of this script that's overwritten. Personally I'd lose all the fade outs and cut to's, there's no need. I'd also lose the we follow, we see type stuff. It doesn't help.
I think you tend to focus too much on unnecessary details.

A few parts that are underwritten. Ken occasionally moved to different locales without new sluglines.

All that said, you've got some great ideas here. It took a while to get going but the last half was far better than the first.

I think you've got a good little story here. If you tightened up your writing this would be a great script.

Thanks for your comments rendevous, I'm glad you enjoyed parts of it, and all advice will be taken on board; it's so helpful when people point you in the right direction.

Hey interesting script, definately alot of potential.  A few suggestions if your still around:
Starting of with the giant lump of a paragraph is a bit daunting.  Separate it and cut it down as much as possible
The first VO is a little wordy and generic.  (I’m having this same issue with my stuff, trying to use VO in a way that’s not cliché and expected)  I would cut it down or get rid of it.
'Ken is sat' at a workstation is an awkward sentence.  Why not ken sits at a workstation?
Karen and Elizabeth banter doesn’t quite sound like real girls talking, I'm not opposed to the dirtyness, just the awkwardness of it.  Also is Ken attractive/charismatic?  I dont think this was stated.
The whole healing revelation seems to come a bit easily.  Aren’t they surprised their specimen is injured in the first place?  Wouldn’t the doc be a bit wary before suddenly proclaiming it healing travel?  Then he immediately sends everyone home and leaves early?  Seems odd.  maybe have him run some more tests before getting excited.
P8 Not sure what a mod con is
Bit lucky that the guy who invents pods that accidentally heal happens to have a crippled daughter, but i guess i can roll with it.
Doesn’t make sense for Elizabeth to freak out that he’s killing animals.  She could be a bit disgusted and disappointed, but those are test animals, their purpose is to die for science.  (whether or not you personally believe in animal rights aside) She would be used to maiming and killing them after working in that lab.
A lot of Ken’s dialogue seems off for a scientist.  I guess that’s supposed to be his offbeat character, but ‘fucking trippy’ and ‘gotta take a shit shave and shower’ don’t really make me inclined to believe the guys a genius that could create that kind of device.
P35  I think you meant I’m NOT letting you anywhere near my wife.
I’m guessing your not American from some of the lingo you use,(seeing your profile now your from the uk)  but I’m not sure how easy it is to get a pistol with a silencer in most countries, especially a scientist with no indication of criminal background.  Might want to use a different weapon, might make it a tougher scene too if Ken has to brain the clone with a tire iron or something.
Seems kinda odd that immediately out of the pods the two kens are different.  I could see them changing slowly, especially as one is stuck killing people all day and the other is home with the family, but they seem like entirely different characters right away.  the close is a doppleganger-evil twin version.
I would show that they both have doubts.  Maybe Ken1 almost kills ken2 but is to soft after all day with his family and turns away.  then ken2 kills him.  They are the same person so they should at least have some idea what the other is thinking.  I think making them similar will make the script a little more believable too, instead of straying into evil twin territory.
Why is Ken suddenly obsessed with perfection?  That was never mentioned before in the script.  He's spent his life making travel pods, not perfection pods.  Why does he care that his wife has glasses?  All of these changes came too sudden to be believable.  
And if it had worked his wife is still going to remember being hit and forced to go through the pod, she wouldnt be pleased.  Maybe have her impressed by him fixing the girl instead of pissed and she volunteers.  That said I liked her being pregnant, I think it was a good reveal.
I think you should definately work on the path of kens character.  He needs to be shown as driven and intelligent in the beginning, then that drive slowly turning into obsession and leading up to him willing to kill people.  also i would keep him more human towards the end, why not feel remorse for killing people, at least his daughter.he could be conflicted and still go through with it.
The ending VO is pretty bad.  I would get rid of it entirely.  Mostly its cliche, plus it has ken having revelations after hes already dead.  its our flaws that make us special?  kinda trite.

Sorry if the criticisms sound harsh, I really did enjoy it.  Alot of the issues I had with it are the same things i need to work on myself.  Some adjusting to make it a little more believable would make a big difference, smoothing out the arc of the characters.  the story you have so far is definately worth the effort to turn it into something impressive.

Wow Thank you Jackx,

I have made a lot of changes to the original, I've been waiting until SS are accepting uploads again.

I like your ideas and suggestions, things like this are what really helps me out (this is only the second script I've written), so it aids me a great deal.

Glad you enjoyed it. I hope you'll have a look through the newer draft when it's available.

Craig

P.S. mod con is short for 'modern convenience', maybe this is  just an English thing?

Hi, Craig.

Not read your script yet altough it sounds interesting.

Just realized you're a fellow Brit, so wanted to drop in and say hello.  I've glazed over a couple of the comments and I can understand why they've pulled you on some of the wording, which, to us British, sounds perfectly fine.

The comment though about "Never go over four lines" -- rubbish!  Utter bollocks!!!

Hi Silverwolf,

I know what you mean, it's my midlands upbringing through and through- that's genuinely how we talk!

Thanks for stopping by me old mucka!

Craig

Quoted from silverwolf ...The comment though about "Never go over four lines" -- rubbish!  Utter bollocks!!!

This is utter bollocks.

Dreamscale is correct.

I'm pretty sure you can't go over 4 lines, so best try and break them up.

The first paragraph can easily be broken up and re-written, so no worries. The story sounds similar to 'The Fly' but I'll have a read through this week.

Descriptions read well, but a few passive words and one or two errors I picked up on "Ken get to his feet, to help the assistant with the crate." Sounds like he's been ordered, might wanna check that out. I think walkie talkies could be switched for radio's, seems more professional.

Dialogue ain't my cup of tea, but I can't judge off the first few pages.

I'm not gonna comment on any other things due to it already being brought up, just hope it aint too similar to The Fly... That doesn't need remaking, leave it alone HOLLYWOOD!!!

RE: The four line rule...

It's in your interest to keep the action short -- to try and make your script a vertical read.  This is because the people who reads scripts have very short attention spans.

What about action films that don't have dialogue for say, three minutes -- just non stop action?  Sure, you could break it all up into one or two sentence paragraphs.  But then you end up with a sequence which, on script, now lasts maybe six or seven pages long.  

So now your timing's thrown outta whack and your script reads slow.

Look.  I myself rarely go over four lines, and I'm not bashing this "rule" because I wanna write eight-line-paragraphs or something.  Not the case at all.  I'm simply saying that sometimes you might write a perfectly fine paragraph of action that just so happens to go a few words over four lines.  But that's okay.  A producer's not gonna read your script and say "Hey, wait a mintue -- one... two... three... four..... fi--  This asshole's gone over four lines!!" and toss it in the trash.

This forum seems to be full of so-called "rules" that MUST NOT BE BROKEN, that don't hold a drop of water in the real world.

Hey, but who am I, right?  Like I'd know anything about that.  I'm just an ameture, if that.

But I get it, okay.  I get that many of you are much more experienced than the new commers to this site -- much more experienced than I am.  And you enforce these rules to help and aid beginner writers to write to the accepted standard.  But you enforce these rules too much, and you limit that person's creativity.

One argument is to say "well, rules aid creativity -- help people become better writers".  Not always the case.  My feeling is that most of the time, it just holds people back and restrains people from producing great work.

And... I have a sneaking suspision that there maybe a secret society of people on here that want that

So.  My advice to all those folks reading about all these rules and then looking at their own work, scared shitless they've done it wrong... fear not, because once a producer comes to the decision in his/her own mind that the script they have in their hands -- they can make a buck off, they'll forgive you for occasionally going over four lines.  They'll forgive you for using "running" instead of "runs" -- WRITE WHAT YOU WANT.  DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HELD BACK -- Nobody's gonna toss out the next big summer blockbuster for a five-line-paragraph in the script because the good people of Simply Scripts say it's not alowed, I mean, come on.

Honestly.

Nice job if this is just your second script!  I think the other posters covered most of my own issues.  For some reason the dialogue seems to work as long as it's in the UK.  I think Americans saying some of the same things would come across a bit differently.  Just something to keep in mind depending on where you are trying to shop this.  Some would say to try to take out some of the regional specific stuff, but that might make it a little bland.  Your call.
Generally anyone that follows all the rules isn't ever going to create anything original or special.  All great writers/artists/directors break rules.  Off course the opposite is true, if you make a point to break rules just for the sake of breaking them you're gonna write highly original cr@p.  
If you break up the writing into four lines, do it because it reads/looks better, not because its a 'rule.'
Now that I'm done with that tangent, good luck with this script, definately a good effort and congrats on getting it done and out there.

Thanks Ophelia,

I've been re-hashing the script a bit of late. I've broken up the huge blocks of text, cut down on the over descriptions etc. I'll upload it soon, I think I'd be better off waiting until the OWC is over though, Cos Don is going to be swamped over the next few weeks.

Thanks for your warm words.

All the best

Craig