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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Rest is Silence... Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 18th, 2009, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Rest is Silence… by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Ulysses is 10 today. Her mother gives him a gift: a MP3 player. But it turns to be the most dreadful gift ever… 9 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 9th, 2009, 8:43am
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Baltis.
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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You have a few minor grammatical things to fix here and there... Nothing major.

Instead of "A" MP3 player, you should put "AN" MP3 player... For instance. Also, a part when she says "He's my Blood and Flesh" Shouldn't that be "He's my flesh and blood?"  It just sounds better.

Other than that... decent story. Nice exchanges, for the most part.... I think your alternate ending isn't as in your face and forward moving as the one you included, but it's also a bit more ironic at the same time.

Either one does work... but if it were me... I'd go with the Ironic ending.  Overall, decent stuff. One of the better scripts I've read on here in awhile... Then again, I've not been around as much as of late... Maybe I've missed some??
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michel
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.
You have a few minor grammatical things to fix here and there... Nothing major.
I do my best, believe me.


Quoted from Baltis.
Other than that... decent story.
You say decent. But it has so many meanings. I hope you mean in the good way...


Quoted from Baltis.
I'd go with the Ironic ending.  
That's why I included that alternative ending. I wasn't sure and needed opinions.


Quoted from Baltis.
One of the better scripts I've read on here in awhile...
Coming from you, and I know how much you're hard to please, I take it for a very nice compliment. Thank you.

Michel



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alffy
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel

Oh an alternate ending!  I enjoyed this short and I favoured the first ending.  It's a touching little story and I thought it was well written throughout.  You painted an emotional story in a short time which is no mean feet.  Good work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 19th, 2009, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the first ending as well.

Kind of a grim tale. Similar in vein to some of my own short dramas involving kids. The story works even if depressing.

Numerous typos and stuff, but they didn't really bother me. Except for maybe describing the room as desolate. I suppose it works, but normally it's not how you describe a room.

Good job Michel!  


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michel
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
I enjoyed this short and I favoured the first ending.  It's a touching little story and I thought it was well written throughout.  You painted an emotional story in a short time which is no mean feet.  Good work.

Thank you alffy. It's true this one is different from my past scripts. Let's say I'm in a "more seriuous" phase.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked the first ending as well. Kind of a grim tale. Similar in vein to some of my own short dramas involving kids. The story works even if depressing.  (…) Good job Michel!  


Thank you Pia. You pointed out the similarities, but I'm surprised you didn't notice the name of my hero. I named him Ulysses because of the Greek mythology and the part where he has to put wax in his ears so he wouldn't hear the mermaids.

Michel


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Cam17
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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I think you captured the hell that this kid's life is quite well.  The dialogue was good and believable.

As for the endings, I'd definitely go with the alternate.  It's makes the story more poignant, as the kid listens happily to his music while his mother lies dying.

The original ending didn't feel nearly as complete.


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michel
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cam17
I think you captured the hell that this kid's life is quite well.  The dialogue was good and believable.

Thank you Cam. I really appreciate. That's mean that I learnt a lot ever since I'm here.


Quoted from Cam17
As for the endings, I'd definitely go with the alternate.  It's makes the story more poignant, as the kid listens happily to his music while his mother lies dying.

That's 2 for the first ending, and 2 for the alternate. which just goes to show that people's feeling and emotion here could be different.

Anyway, thanks for the reading

Michel



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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Another great short story by Michel, emotional and disturbing.

I loved the fact that you offered an alternative ending. I must say I much prefered the first, but the second ending stands its own ground too.

Well done


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michel
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Another great short story by Michel, emotional and disturbing.

Thank you Craig. It's too much honor maybe, but my ego LOVES it.


I loved the fact that you offered an alternative ending. I must say I much prefered the first, but the second ending stands its own ground too. Well done


Like I explained before, I was really torn between those two ends. It's good to know that people love them both.

Thanks for your reading (and for your further reviews, you may keep flatter my ego  

Michel


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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Michel

Sorry about the delay, you say this is a second draft? I never read the original so I can only judge what I see before me now, without comparing it to the previous version, which may be no bad thing...Oh, now I see you included both, scratch what I just wrote.

Pg 1 - "ULYSSES (10) gets off the bus. As soon as he gets off the
bus,"

-- This doesn't read well as you can see when the two sentences are isolated like this, you unnecessarily repeat yourself in describing Ulysses' actions.

Pg 3 - ANNIE
Of course. He's my blood and
flesh.

-- Usually it’s phrased the other way around.

Presuming that she bought the MP3 brand new (it’s in its original packaging) I don't think it’s possible for songs to be put on it by a shop assistant or whoever...or at least it’s not the done thing as far as I'm aware.

I notice you often have young central characters in yours scripts. No problems with this of course it’s just a thematic pattern of yours, we all have our own recurring quirks that resonate throughout our work, my only concern is getting adequate actors to do them justice.

Now before anyone freaks, I'm not saying all child actors are bad there are many exceptions it’s just in general they’re harder to come by, the majority of the time they’re one of the drawbacks I have in some film which I might otherwise like. In that the character was good but the kid playing him/her irritated me or just didn’t do a good job. Might sound harsh, I know, just a personal preference nothing more; I do find it interesting that you tell stories through children’s innocent eyes and  interpretation. And may I say, thankfully you make a great job of it and possess a knack for accurate, endearing portrayals, your “Aubrey” being a case in point.

In terms of the story, I thought it was ok, quite straightforward with the message presented loud and clear of how an initially good intentioned gift of the MP3 player can play a part in throwing up the most tragic of consequences. It’s a powerful motif, one which I'm intrigued by myself. I touched upon it in my "Golden Years" script so I can relate to what you're are trying to do here.

I'm finding it hard to decide which ending I liked more as they both finish the story in an equally dramatic fashion. Maybe the alternate one as it’s a greater tragedy for me; the fact that Ulysses could still have salvaged the situation if he hadn't the music in his ears.
As a whole I felt this was a little over simplistic. A twist or two to throw the reader off would strengthen this piece no end. Maybe see about developing a longer version, with an increased build up, some back story as to why Roger is such a prick. He could be sterile or Annie had a miscarriage before with his child something which he has never recovered from and resents Annie ever since for it. Just some event or turning point in their relationship that would explain his monstrous character...of course people can be just like that anyway. I feel by having this though would help deliver more shocking, affecting conclusion.
Not bad overall, but I feel it needs more.

Col.





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michel
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Col,

thank you for the reading. I know I owe you one.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I notice you often have young central characters in yours scripts. (...) I do find it interesting that you tell stories through children’s innocent eyes and  interpretation. And may I say, thankfully you make a great job of it and possess a knack for accurate, endearing portrayals, your “Aubrey” being a case in point.

I realize now it's true. I didn't do it on purpose. And I don't know why. I started writing about kids long before I had my son. (to tell you the truth, I wrote "Aubrey" 20 years ago in French. The title was then "Julie". I didn't change a lot when I translated it in English) I always loved writing about children, as for a long time, the main characters of my stories were women.

My next script soon upload will be a 8 year old boy. There again, it's pure coincidence!


Quoted from Colkurtz8
In terms of the story, I thought it was ok, quite straightforward with the message presented loud and clear of how an initially good intentioned gift of the MP3 player can play a part in throwing up the most tragic of consequences.

Yes, and at the same time, the MP3 player replaces the good old ear wax.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I'm finding it hard to decide which ending I liked more as they both finish the story in an equally dramatic fashion. Maybe the alternate one as it’s a greater tragedy for me; the fact that Ulysses could still have salvaged the situation if he hadn't the music in his ears.
Let's say the second ending tells another story.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
As a whole I felt this was a little over simplistic.

I just try to make the shortest and most concentrate story.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Maybe see about developing a longer version, with an increased build up, some back story as to why Roger is such a prick. He could be sterile or Annie had a miscarriage before with his child something which he has never recovered from and resents Annie ever since for it. Just some event or turning point in their relationship that would explain his monstrous character...of course people can be just like that anyway. I feel by having this though would help deliver more shocking, affecting conclusion.

You're right. Roger is just a prick, a drunkard prick. He lives with Annie who had Ulysses from a first union. Just like millions of couples all around the world. Roger is a selfish b@st@rd. He can't help it. That could be just a simple criminal case that you read once in a week in the newspapers. That's as simple as this. Those people who have their "craze hour" very often have no explanation for what they did. It just happened...

Thanks again

Michel



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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey michel

SPOILERS!

Good short. My problem is when he goes get the gun. For a drunk guy, he can sure aim well. Wouldn't Annie be able to dodge the bullets or flee to the son's bedroom or do something to avoid what's going to happen? I think it can be extended a bit more maybe but thats me.

Gabe

Oh, I'll go for either ending. But the second is a bit better in terms of censorship. lol.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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michel
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe, thanks for the reading.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
My problem is when he goes get the gun. For a drunk guy, he can sure aim well. Wouldn't Annie be able to dodge the bullets or flee to the son's bedroom or do something to avoid what's going to happen?

Allow me to being agreed with you. Being drunk could overdevelop faculties. Can you explain why people can speak easily another language when they're drunk? (I mean a foreign language they have some basis)  And Roger is not that drunk. He knows what he does. How would you Annie to dodge the bullets in her kitchen? I think Annie would never guess Roger's intentions. She simply thought if was goen for a ride.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Oh, I'll go for either ending. But the second is a bit better in terms of censorship. lol.

The more I go, it becomes my favorite, because it's more visual.

Michel


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 25th, 2009, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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I can accept that. I saw it as that Annie watched her husband get the gun. Also, in regards to being drunk, the beer bottle confused me I guess. Don't take it as it's bad just bad on my part in imagining it.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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