Angel Fallen :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

just finished your script, nice work.  good original story and characters.
here's a few ideas/typos as I read,

p1 any more should be two words in your first sentence.  though i do like it as an introductory sentence.  also should be the moon shines on, not onto.  third sentence you basically describe the ships three times over saying the same thing.
the black head submerges once again underneath the water.  also repeticious.  if it submerges we know its going underneath the water.
one score means 20, so your saying theres at least 40 terrorists?
it moves like a cat, but stalks like a lion?  a lion is a cat.  seems like your getting a little overdescriptive for this type of movie.
ava is hispanic and a spitting image of karen?  so karen is hispanic?  also I don't know if you described the descrepency in their ages if ava is the mother.
I would insert some background bits that explain archangel history.  like while karens walking past the dojo and computer room there are murals/old statues that kind of imply the history of the archangels.  it needs to be set up and explained for us to believe in it.  you do this well later on with the white house being burned and all that, but just to make us buy into the idea of a secret society up until then we need a little more.
p25 I dont know what kind of firing range theyre on that ava fires a round in each corner of the target to knock it down, but that needs to be better explained.  it was cool once i understood what u meant, but i had to read it twice.
i think the dialogue for the cuban needs to actually be in spanish.  possibly add subtitles, but i dont think it would be necessary.  i think the spanish would be 'por favor, no dispares.' but you should double check that.
If little karens using any modern gun there isn't any reason for her to pull back the hammer.  thats movie BS.
It would be worth going over the childrens dialogue, alot of it sounds pretty false for kids that age.
p39  why is karen more worried about her husband than her kid?  other than setting up for the guy grabbing Ron it seems kind of unmotherly.
also i might cut out some of the language.  "ron tries to break free but its a death grip"  or 'hail of bullets" when its just one guy firing.   i think for action to read well its better to keep it spare.  though I like the line about 'a red laser searches for karen'
p40 she throws the knives like frisbees?  i thought she was a trained killer.  also strafing does not mean diving.
I'd be careful with Ninja #3 flipping over sofas then couches.  personally i don't know the difference.  might be worth it to be a little clearer.
p41 breaths should be breathes
also if ninja#3 is lying down and shes standing up, how does she get brains all over her face?  maybe a little blood splatter, but unless she gets right up close it wont be much.
Aaron asking if mom is one of the x-men is a cute line.
For the flash back with the cuban man it might be nice to show a difference in the black suited figure to show the time change.  like just mention that its an older style of the same outfit, just so we know we're in the past.
u might have karen mention that a flashbang makes a bang as well as a flash.
bottom of page 53 of should be off.  also is the body picked up or dragged?
i like killing lazarus, its unexpected.  though with the biblical names i kinda expected him to come back to life.  but its good you didnt.
p58 karen locks the chambers back in?  im guessing you mean she drops the slide into place, chambering a round. the chamber on a gun doesn't move.
p59 if shes firing under a car she probably wouldnt be able to see their kneecaps.  maybe just ankles.
p60  you dont need to say its the same watch that cain gave him since aaron just said that.
how are the motorcycles modified?
The bikes sprint to both sides of the car?  i think you want a different verb.
im not sure the whole two bikes on either side of the car shooting eachother thing works.  for one its a little silly in general.  also a benz is a low riding car, meaning someone on a street bike will be firing down at it, rather than directly across.  which would make it impossible for them to fatally wound eachother.  it would be worth rethinking.
you say she has angel wings tattooed on her back, then later ava is shown being branded.  those are two very different things.
You dont need to give us an acronym for close quarters combat training if you arent going to use it again.
p71 caranita means small face, not beautiful face
ava says it didn't take long for cain to find them, but she already went through a whole pregnancy and has a young child.
good reveal on ava kidnapping her child.
i know the archangel training is all badass, but an 8 year old kicking a grown mans ass?  still seems a little hard to make believable.
p82 it can never be abstained?  i think your looking for a different word.
Also a claymore is a very specific type of mine that involves a lot of shrapnel backed by C4.  if you throw a body on it the c4 will toss the body up, turning the bones into shrapnel as well as still shredding anyone else with bits of metal.  Not very realistic to have Karen standing a few feet away and be fine.
Oh and the husband doesn't really do much of anything in this script.  i think its great that the woman is the badass, but he needs to at least have some personality other than being desperately in love with karen.
also at the end it seems like blowing up that headquarters completely ended the archangels.  arent there other buildings and agents across the country that would be interested in the situation?

Overall I thought it was definately good, just some minor things that need to be fixed up.  hopefully some of this was useful.  good luck.