Risen Evil by D. C. Stewart - Short, Horror - Lonely road leads the terror… 13 pages - pdf, format

Hi DC and co-writer - I'm guessing that you are very new to this, and perhaps quite young?? The reason I say this is cause this has amateur written all over it. I don't like to be harsh but in this case you need it spelled out so you can lift your game!

Number one: write your screenplay with correct industry standard formatting. Download some software. Celtx (free download) will do fine, I'm told.

You have formatting errors all over the place. You must write in Courier 12 font. And don't mix fonts/font size and colours in your titles.

You also need to learn how to write slug-lines (give us a time of day and a proper place-name. Show us if it's INT/EXT  NIGHT/DAY/ LATER/MINUTES LATER etc.

And, your ACTION/description lines should not occur in your slugs.
"EXT. OLD ROAD - AMY IS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD"
Here, you've incorporated an action line into your slug line.

N.B. Introduce your characters by CAPITALISING their names when we first meet them and describe them, at least, a little. You have "Unknown woman" and "Unknown blurry dark figure" yet later I'm pretty sure this is "Risen" and "Amy" - your main characters.

Also, you need (CONT'D) when an action line splits the dialogue of one of your characters.

And, your character Bryan is heard O/S not in V/O.

Those are some formatting tips you'll learn them all with correct software and through the "screenwriting section" on the SS boards and through reading scripts on the boards and professional scripts.

Secondly, "passive verbiage? "un-filmables" and "show don't tell".
You're writing a script so, everything needs to be present tense, you're using way too many "ing" words, i.e. passive verbs. It's ok some of the time but not all the way through.

Example:
   "Amy is walking to the front of the car."
    "Amy walks to the front of the car"
The latter is more immediate i.e. present tense.

Also, you have a lot of "starts to" "appears to"
   "She does not seem to be getting a very good look at him?"
"She attempts to get her cell phone out"
"It appears the woman is running along a lakebed."
The woman either is, or isn't running along a lakebed.
"Her vehicle starts to stall" if it is stalling describe the sound of the engine spluttering, describe what we will see and hear. You get the drift here.
"Amy runs furiously (I think you mean, frantically) through the trees and attempts to hide. This last for some time."

Ok, so how would you film "attempts to hide". You have to write it out (don't tell) have her duck for cover under a large rock, or hide behind a tree. That you can film.
And "this last (sic) for some time". How can you say ok, film that for an indeterminate time? The action will determine how long you are filming.
Similarly if Amy "angrily hangs up."  Show us how. Does she slam the phone shut does she scowl, sigh, mutter, under her breath? You're the writer. Show us, stop telling us.

BAM BAM
"Amy jumps (to the unexpectedly loud sound.)"
Ok, what sound is it? A gun-shot? Describe it.

And your reference to presumably a "LOST" camera direction should not be in your script.

Spelling:
Don't rely on "spell-check" here's why: -

EXT. BOSS HOG DINNER - (incorrectly formatted slug btw,)
Spell-check did not pick up the fact that this is a DINER not dinner (i.e. not your meal) because both words though completely different in meaning are spelled correctly.
Likewise, "Amy just stirs at him" should be stares, right?
"Homeless whineos" is wino ? delete the (h).
"Hunted" should be "haunted"
There are more; look carefully for them.  

Lastly, your "opening" is full of passive verbiage and un-filmables, but the thing that really got me was the use of the word "frivolous". She's being pursued; in fear of her life - this is the wrong adjective.

    

Quoted Text "Unknown woman running through a grassy wooded area. She is screaming as she is running. The woman is running frivolously through trees and grass. There is an unknown blurry dark figure that seems to be chasing her. She does not seem to be getting a very good look at him while running."

Try "frantic" at the very least.

So that's all I've got.  I could go on but arrgh, I can't! I didn't even get around to commenting on the actual story and your plans re this being part of a continuing series. I hope you will take my comments as constructive. That is my intention. If you want your stories to be taken seriously you've got to first learn the professional formatting. All the best, Libby.

Thanks, for your input, it was a fun read. LOL I am not a pro writer, just writing for fun and the script is an outline.

Yep, ok that's cool. But you say you are shooting it right? So your scripts should look professional for your actors & crew to follow with ease. And even sending an "idea" or outline to a script agency - well this would be a little "rough". That's why I suggested downloading Celtx (free software) - so even when you're mucking around it does most of the job of formatting for you. Also, an action-heavy script requires correct structure/formatting too. Anyway, all of my comments were meant to help you.

Good luck with it all,
Libby.

Were not using a video camera, although I would like to the use the RED One 4k camera. We are shooting with a Professional 35mm Movie camera and basically trying to make it fast past and thriller like and fun. As for the script, it is not going to any studio. But I will certainly download the software though.

Quoted Text Posted by: dstewartx Thanks, for your input, it was a fun read. LOL

Mmm, interesting that you deleted your post re sending your scripts to "Coverscript" and your admission that this was just done "for a bit of fun" ... and I'm really glad you were entertained so much by my review.

You'll find DC, that the majority of writers on this site take their screenplays very seriously and rely on the good will of others to provide their time & valuable feedback. It is general practice on SS that reads and reviews are given on a quid pro quo basis. Sometimes I choose to give a review to a new writer  - I see a posting and I think aww, that hasn't even had a read.

I might from now on be a little more circumspect. Nah. I think I'll stick to what I normally do: give reads to the regular "trusted" posters and now & then pick an "unknown".

What I won't do is give any further time to your post. Like I said DC all the best, I think you might need it.

I can understand that. I would use coverscript for pro scripts. But the film business all about networking and as for story and writing it is like winning the lotto getting in the business with a script. You guys are sticklers for spelling and format(THEY WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IF FORMATED PROPERLY) but that does noting for boring stories not optimize for profits.

DC, I think you should appreciate the detailed review by LC much more, as you come off as a bit of a dick by calling her review a "fun read".

I gave your script a quick read over, and it has a lot of problems, cut that, it's full of mistakes, many which have been pointed out already.

If you don't value people's opinions about your script, don't post it here.

If that was read by a reader in Hollywood, it would be thrown out before the first page was read, seeming as it's not even in the right font. I know you said you were filming this yourself, so what is the point of posting it on here if you are not after advice to make it better? Or do you want everyone to read it and say it's amazing and the best thing they have read? I am guessing the second.

As LC said, good luck, because you will definately be needing it.

I appreciate her review and will work hard on improving the script I will take her advice.