All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
It's About That Time by Josh - Short, Comedy - A buddy comedy, where 4 friends are approaching the age of 30, and our main character decides it's time to grow up. Will friends let him though? 29 pages - pdf, format
fairly funny story, a few things you could improve: "coming back out" kind of an awkward phrase. maybe something about reintroducing him, or whatever. shindig is one word i believe. The dialogue between the buddies isn't bad, but parts of it seem a little fake. People don't really talk in complete sentences like it's written. maybe just try reading them out loud and find the lines that seem a little forced. up about two thousand dollars from when he started not where he started. the whole thing about needing to take a pee is useless because you can't film it. unless you find a way to show it, how will the audience know? i guess this becomes a serious plot point so you need to explain it in a way that can be acted, instead of just saying it. (sarcastic but not condescending) i get what ur saying but its kind of a long parenthetical. I think we would still understand the line without it. we know the character enough to know hes not going to be mean to a pretty girl. why do we fade out to a scene that takes place a second later? and im pretty sure the actual man law states that you shall never use the urinal next to another man period. regardless of whether another one is open. though im pretty sure this rule (like most) is changable depending on the amount of alcohol consumed. kinda wierd having chase talking aloud to himself in the bathroom. pretty unbelievable that chase would walk out of the bathroom all messed up, decide to play one more hand and go all in. he's a professional gambler, not stupid. why do you say (beep) when there're swears? I dont think all the action lines are supposed to be in caps. The drunk girl scene is pretty damn funny, about the first real laugh out loud funny there was. overall it could use some more funny, and chase's character could be a little more believable. maybe just some more moments where we get to see what his normal life is like, without the poker/buddies/drama. anyways good stuff, hopefully some of this was useful.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Thanks for the all the feedback Jackx. Definitely some useful stuff here. This is actually the first thing I've ever written, so I know there's got to be plenty to work on. You bring up alot of good points, so thanks!!