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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Focus - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Focus - Filmed!  (currently 3115 views)
Don
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Focus by Cindy L. Keller -  - A secretary loses her job, kills a squirrel, and is involved in a big misunderstanding all because she learns that her nitpicky mother is coming for a visit. 10 pages - pdf, format

+++++++++++
Focus has been filmed by Richard Thompson of Firefly Pictures.

You can view the short here.



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 23rd, 2012, 8:46am
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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It’s a cute story and would make a cute little short film. A few small issues that stuck out for me:

What happened to the woman Tina slammed into at the department store? After she falls down, she looks around and there’s no one there. For a moment I thought maybe she’d bumped into a mannequin or something.

You mentioned the squirrel in the logline but in the script it was incidental, like a gag from “The Naked Gun.” Personally I would have liked to see Tina react to having killed the squirrel. It felt like a missed opportunity.

You might want to think about setting up the mother’s visit a little earlier. It comes out of nowhere. It also makes Tina’s motives unclear. I never got the impression that Tina’s lack of focus had anything to do with her mother’s visit.

The intro with Jim was also good. It was immediately clear by his actions that he was perfect for Tina.

It had a good beginning with the job mix-up and a good end with the cop bumping into the mother, but a few places in the middle seemed a little directionless. It was clear what was going on by the end but there were a few parts in the middle that had me thinking, huh? Particularly the scene with the squirrel and Mary.

Overall it’s a cute little story that, with a few minor changes to make it clearer, would translate to a good short film with a reasonable budget. So good job.


Breanne



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alffy
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy

I think Breanne covered most of things that I was going to say.  Your logline isn't too great on this one and I don't get the squirrel death.

I thought beginning was funny and also the ending too.  Tina's clumsy actions are pretty funny, I love the way she looks round to see if anyone noticed her embarassing mishapes.

It's a nice little story and Tina came across as a very likable character.  I enjoyed this, the descriptions and dialogue were first rate and the story was entertaining, if a little strange.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Breanne,  

So good to see you again. Thanks for giving this one a read.

About the woman in the department store... well, the woman fell backward to the ground.  Tina looked around to see if anyone saw what happened, but she was so embarassed she just had to get out of there.
I had the department store scene because I wanted to mislead, and hopefully make readers think she was pregnant... (Her dialogue and looking at the baby clothes)

Maybe I should write the first scene as Tina talking on the phone to her mother?
Trying to talk her out of coming.

I'll have to think something up for the squirrel.

As always, you give great advice, and I really appreciate your time and thoughts.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 20th, 2009, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi alffy,

Thanks so much for the read.
I hate to even think of loglines. Yuck.

I'm glad you liked Tina, and how she looked around to see if anyone else noticed what had happened. I'm also glad you thought the story was entertaining, if a little strange...

well, welcome to my world.  

Thanks again for the read,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Cam17
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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This one had some good, funny moments.  I did have to reread the first two pages to get exactly what happened there, but maybe that's just me.  I think it may have been clearer and funnier if it started in Tina's office instead of the other office, with Mr. James confronting her about the mixed up packages.  It would be even funnier if the other boss was actually into the whole negligee dress-up thing and that's why Mr. James was so pi$$ed off.

Good set up with Tina and her husband gettin it on with the cop and the old mother in law creeping around the house.  I also think you could have gotten more humor out of that.  Like maybe the cop spots the old lady's shadow moving nearby and pounces on her.  Or, the mother in law spots the cop peeking in on Tina and her husband having sex and she attacks him with her purse.  Just some different angles there.

Overall, a good, lighthearted comedy.

Cam


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LC
Posted: June 21st, 2009, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,
Nitpickety stuff first: -
I agree with Cam - maybe this should have started in Tina's office first (or, as you have said with Tina at home. The opening scenes were a little confusing.

I would have also liked a little more physical description of Tina.
The wording of “The sharp dressed BOSS” came across as a little clunky to me – how about “sharply dressed or, the BOSS is a sharp dresser.

Her eyes widen in nonbelief. I would sub. the word “disbelief” here.

“Tina turns away quickly, and slams into a woman. She SCREAMS as she falls back, to the floor.”   This action line is a little ambiguous (at first) as to who actually falls – I would write “the woman” falls.

The scene with the squirrel actually DID work for me. Made me laugh. I think you need to add a little more of that – maybe another scene/visual.

Tina stretches out of the hallway and scans the room. Is she craning her neck around the doorway here?

911 OPERATOR (V.O.)should be (O.S.).
Wrylie on page 8. (should be babbling)double-b.
definately – page 9 should be definitely
“one-tract mind” should be “one-track” mind.
“Shiney” should read shiny.

Apart from that it was really entertaining – I pictured Debra Messing. BUT, I would have liked another slapstick scene with her doing damage and being totally oblivious to it all.

Great unexpected ending too. Like I said above I just thought you could have pushed the envelope a little bit more. I'd look forward to a second draft of this one.   Libby


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michel
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,

I haven’t read the other reviews, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

A very nice link of events. I just love the first scene , but I think it could have been built differently.

Not a  lot to say, except maybe Tina ma kes a lot of fuss just because of her mother’s coming. This feeling should be reinforced by other reason than Jim’s animosity (maybe she thinks she’s really pregnant ?) That’s make Tina a kinda submissive about Jim. Quite surprising for story coming from a woman !

I liked it anyway. Good job Cindy. Too bad I guessed the end as soon as Jim enters the house through the window and Tina calls 911.

Michel


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dresseme
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy,

It looks like so much of what I wanted to say has already been said.  Ha, mainly by Breanne.

I don't know why, but I thought that due to your logline, the killing of the squirrel would lead to this crazy Rube-Goldberg-esque series of events that would ruin her day even further.  But alas, it seemed to be mostly a throw-away gag.  I think it'll be funny, but it does seem like a bit of a wasted opportunity.

I think it's a cute enough story, but I can't help but think you need something bigger to take her mind off of having called the police.  I know we're supposed to think it just slipped her mind, but it was all I was thinking about the whole time; and I think the way to make it work is for the audience to forget about the police as well.

But man, all I'm doing is just re-hashing stuff everyone else has said.  Sorry.  I should have gotten to this sooner.  

Good job though, and good luck with further drafts.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cam,
I like the idea of the mother hitting the cop with her purse. I think I'll borrow that.  

LC,

Thanks for finding the type'os, and I agree with everything you said here. I will be doing a rewrite.

Michel,
Maybe she does think she's pregnant.  
You're surprised this story came from a woman. Shoot, I know a woman who did a lot of goofy things that could put Tina to shame.

Matthew,
Yep, I think I can up the stakes on this one, too. I'll be thinking.... then writing.  

Thank you all for reading and commenting on this script, and as usual, I do appreciate it and the ideas.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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michel
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller

You're surprised this story came from a woman. Shoot, I know a woman who did a lot of goofy things that could put Tina to shame


I was only talking about her submission to Jim.

Michel


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 23rd, 2009, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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michel,
Yeah, that could work.
I think I'll start playing around with it tomorrow since I have the day off.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Zack
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy, sorry for the wait. This was pretty good. Made me laugh. Was this on the site before because I swear I've read it. The opening scene with Jayne and the Boss can be cut out entirely. All it does is slow down the beginning. Get to Tina being fired as soon as possible.

Good format and some believable dialogue. Like how you ended with not one, but multiple little twists. Haha. You set up the pins and then knocked them down. Classic.

4/5

~Zack~
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Zack,

Thanks for giving this one a read. This one was on the site before, but I asked Don to take it down after I signed a contract with a producer, but the producer is very hard to get a hold of and things keep happening to put this script on the back burner... so I asked Don if he would put it back up again.

I think I have to add a scene to the beginning showing her in the office, and on the phone with her mother, and a few more bad things that happen there.

Thanks again,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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jwent6688
Posted: June 30th, 2009, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy, I'll try to keep this one PC. I liked the story. It was very funny. Good set-ups. I really don't have a problem with her unkowingly booting the squirrel out of the tree. I think it's funny when pre-occupied people walk down the street clumsily and create a  calamity in ther background unbeknownst to them. Would have thought it funny for the squirrel to land and not die, just be pissed off. In the BG he could be doing a geico commercial rip-off and give her the "UP YOURS". Then scamper off. Nice work,   James


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