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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Darkness of Heaven Moderators: bert
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  Author    Darkness of Heaven  (currently 1326 views)
Don
Posted: July 1st, 2009, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Darkness of Heaven by Earl J. Mullen - Thriller - Darkness of Heaven is a supernatural thriller, about a man name Verchi’el who seeks vengeance for the murder of his wife and unborn child, as he discovers who he is by the Angel Uri’el, he embraces his calling as a Demon Slayer, as time passes he meets with Isis an Oracle who puts herself in danger to get Verchi’el’s aid to battle with Kasadya a Succubus who murdered her only child.   92 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 9th, 2009, 8:40am
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Coleman
Posted: August 15th, 2009, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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Sounds interesting, based on the synapses. I've gotten through the first 5 pages. Already I've come across a ton of grammatical errors. You should def proofread this and re-post it. I'll continue the read and hit you up with a summary.

p.s: Thanks for the read.


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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Coleman
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, Earl, I just couldn't make it through your script. There were way too many grammatical errors and misplaced words like "order" instead of "older" and "where" instead of "we're". I think it'd be best to have someone you trust proofread your script for you and highlight and/or go through and fix the mistakes his or herself.

You do have an interesting story but when you average 15 - 20 errors per page on your script it becomes cumbersome to read. Keep on writing.

thanks for the read,
~Brandon~


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
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stiffler
Posted: September 17th, 2009, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Earl, I agree with Coleman about the gramatical errors, there were a lot of them and it was annoying. However, I soldiered on and read the whole  thing. Overall I lked it. It was epic and imaganinative, although sometimes Verchiels dialogue with women in particular left a lot to be desired. It started off well, but the end left a lot to be desired. I think Zaphulas and Ashrael were the best best bad guys. They each had personality and I think if you would of left either of them as the last bad guy then it would of made for a better ending. Overall though good job, It was a good read and keep it up. Check out my script if you get a chance.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/dontleavemealone.doc
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Vaproductions
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Everyone makes an Error every now and then so I thought I help you see yours.

PG #3 I am frightened, and I don't what
any trouble!

It should be want instead of "what"

PG # 3
WOMAN
Here is my money take and leave me
alone!

It should be here is my money now take it and leave me alone!
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