Future Ghost by Freeman Gudbrand - Short, Action - Imagine a war torn future and two friends torn in two. 3 pages - pdf, format

Yeah.....well.

None of it seems to be connected in any way, except Xander and Yorkie are teens in a cornfield, then grow up to be enemies. Don't really see any point to it.

The end made me laugh, but other than that I didn't get it, two friends talking then they're in the future fighting in a war, one friend is a soldier, the other is a nut case?


Didn't add up for me, but the end made it worth it LOL


EDIT: Well your description did actually sum up what the story is about... haha get me a sandwhich, thats gonna haunt me for a good 10 minutes

The title intrigued me here, but I feel that we've got names on a page and not any real character.

The way it's written at first it seems as though Yorkie is the maniac. Here with:

>XANDER turns to YORKIE with a confused expression.

Xander is the subject in the above sentence; therefore he is the one turning with the confused expression. Indeed he seems to be by the following:

XANDER
What do you mean?

YORKIE turns to XANDER grinning maniacally.

Yorkie is the subject in the above sentence; therefore he's the one grinning like a maniac.

When Yorkie says,

YORKIE
Wouldn't you like to know.

We assume he's the one with something devious up his sleeve, but:

He becomes the target of Xander's manipulations as exposed by:

MAN #1
We got them sir. Yorkie and
Briggs proceeded to the
bunker as guessed, and we got
'em with the device.

It could be that I'm missing something.

Besides some formatting issues and typos, I'd be mostly concerned with developing some characters here. I know you're working with only a few pages, but that would be fun to try and do here.

Sandra

I can definitly see this play out, though it feels like a scene taken from a possible bigger story that you could incorporate.

I know you've went for something short and down to the point but we don't get to see why Xander is mad, and why he broke friends with Yorkie.

The discussion with the UFO nearly had me waiting for something to do with aliens was going to take place, but I guess it was just small talk.

The title is very intriguing but for me it didn't justify the story IMO and some of the dialogue didn't do it for me, maybe I'm just use to urban dialect, this seemed either upper class (country club owner millionaires) or just they talk very dramaticly.


Does Yorkie know something about the future? like Sandra pointed out, you turn this on its head and have Xander become the Antag and Yorkie as the protag.

Still, I think you could flesh this out a bit, show some flashbacks maybe?

This is really Not Ours to Command 3. Xander and Yorkie again, in another nonsense plot. You've written about these characters three times now, and they're yet to become interesting.

You're still churning these out, but you've yet to come on here and explain what you're trying to do with them. At the moment, they're just intriguingly pointless. Still, at least you keep them short...

Freeman,

You remain an oddity and SS recluse in equal measure.

Andrew

I don't think this guy's scripts are worth critiquing since he doesn't ever respond or take part in the forums at all.

I hate to further perpetuate any kind of "response" to this, BUT you see the "author" did reply to comments on his previous submission via this little ego-driven ditty (below).

I was surprised nobody commented on it. I was equally surprised when feedback started rolling in for this latest one.

Quoted Text:

Hello.

My name is Freeman Gudbrand.
I have been writing scripts for a while.
I thought I'd give you all a hand.
In why I make you smile.

My scripts are there to entertain.
Though you may find it suprising.
I make sure we're not all the same.
By an enigmatic shorts uprising.

I write because I feel should.
Though some may find it shocking.
I enjoy the critics brotherhood.
In the fact that they're not mocking.

This is not where my talents lie.
They sleep in graphic design.
Though I thought I'd give it a try.
And found you all liked mine.

So that's the end of this rhyme.
I hope you all enjoyed it.
Now back to writing all my time.
Unless I can avoid it.

Thankyou

He definitly has something about him, whether its artistic or strange, his style is very much different.

Maybe we'll get something else with Yorkie and Xander?

Having these different tales with the same names, feels like past life regression, don't know if this is what he's going for, showing the different lives in shorts? or maybe I'm missing the point to something else he has in mind.

Maybe a few more posts from the writer should clear things up.

In the two or three months he's been here, all that Freeman has done is post a few nonsensical scripts and a pretentious poem about himself.  If he doesn't review anyone else's scripts, why is anyone reviewing his?


Phil

Yep, the self proclaimed prodigy strikes again. More of the same bizarre, incohernt, poorly formatted stuff. But as Johnnyboy rightfully points out, "at least you keep them short..."

That poem is classic too. Thanks for posting it LC, I never spotted it before. What script thread is it on? I'd be honoured to see the original posting

What script thread is it on?

The 'original' poem is currently on page 3. of "shorts" - Freeman's 'Alone in the World' thread.

Cheers, truly inspirational stuff.

Hey,

I haven't read any of the other comments, so I'll be brief.

I don't have a clue what the hells going on in the script. I'm not trying to be rude, but I'd like to know what the story line of the script is.

Also you should use some formatting software, because yours is a bit off.

Cool.

MG