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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Tony Does Miami Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 11th, 2009, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tony Does Miami (Scarface Spoof) by Rodney Ohebsion - Action - After leaving his native Cuba in hopes of making it big in America, ex-convict Rigatoni Dakota attempts to shoot, kill, lie, snort, swear, and screw his way to the top of Miami's cocaine world. 99 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: August 11th, 2009, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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Very funny stuff.  Not exactly highbrow, but I laughed quite a bit.  
Some notes as I read:
one big chicken just waiting to be fucked, great line
we're killers.  For a drug dealer.  also funny
nice pulp fiction reference, glad you didn't take it too far.
Some of the repetitive jokes, 'you can say that again you can say that again' are a bit lame.
p18 8-9 year students, you mean nine years old?  or is that a grade?
I would maybe change the encounter with his mother so she isn't defensive of being a prostitute.  I think its funnier if she was actually proud that its an honest trade.
p22 when goldenstein is yelling at the other guy i think you can just say tony and mastubar cant hear and we'll understand that neither can we.  That way u avoid using 'we' and taking us out of the story.
The Cuban sayings were pretty funny. 'two happy christmas my speedy gonzalez, the cockroach is giant saturday'  
didnt really get the dicky/dad scene.  Wasnt that funny and i dont think dicky had been introduced previously as his father.  
for the 'tony 16' scenes i would write out sixteen since its in his name.  Or put it in parenthesis or something.  There's probably a 'correct' way bit i'm not sure.
"but mama, I'm already in cuba."  very funny
p40  goldy says 'hes out their' should be there
the detectives are maybe a little repetitive, making the same joke over and over.
p46 mother says you're career criminal.  should be 'you're a career'
Dialogue with the jewish hitman is hilarious.  'When he comes to collect I'll cap his ass."
p51 the list of people who want to kill him seems a little long to be able to show us on film.  I think the joke would work a little better if there were about half as many names.
p59 not sure if Copy's bullshit joke works, just because its been long enough in the movie its not really on the forefront of our minds anymore.
You might be taking the joke about getting on cable a little far.  It's funny, but the problem is it takes us entirely out of the story.  One or two jokes of this type might work, but you have three within pages of each other.
reading further I guess you were setting up for the scene where he kills the director.  Very 'Blazing Sattles'.  Might be a bit out there, but I guess thats personal taste.
p67  anita is reading fidel castro biography.  need an 'a' or 'castro's biography'
p83, tony fires several shots into ricos bodie sending him....   missing the end of sentence.
p88  anitas leaving diatribe falls a little flat.  the ideas fine, just the toilet paper thing wasn't that funny, plus we've never seen him do that.  maybe think of something else to implant there.
A little confused with the brother, wasn't he a cop in cuba?  if he's going to be such a significant part of the ending he should have a few more scenes throughout.
Aside from those issues it was well written and funny.  I laughed often, and the plot was enough to carry us through.


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immediex
Posted: August 26th, 2009, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review

I found your suggestions very helpful, and I've already worked some of them into the script.

If you have any other comments, please don;t hesitate to post them here or contact me directly.

Once again, thank you very much

RO  


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