The Package by Silva Mungai -  - "The Package" is a melodramatic piece about a personalized package assembled by an estranged father to his re-married ex-wife, delivered by the son he betrayed a while back. In turn, the son ends up finding the whereabouts of the wife that walked out on him a year ago. 11 pages - pdf, format

Spoilers For The Story

I like the idea of not seeing what's in the package, even if it will enrage some readers. Seeing as the title of the short is The Package, one would expect to see it and have the story centre around it more. After the visitation with the mother, I knew he would throw it away without ever opening it. I don't know if you wanted it to be a surprise or not. Having the reader guess if he will open it or not, I never got the feeling that he would.

A lot of the back story is told through dialogue, I would like to maybe see it done through some action. Show, don't tell. Although I do like how the people talk in this piece, good dialogue.

I liked the main character, didn't get enough of a chance to make an impression of others, like Michael or the mother, but I don't really need to. I think maybe the early scene between the father and son could use a bit more between them. The scene as it is now is really cliched, as their relationship is not the best.

In the end, I liked it and it was a good read.

Silva,

I think this is the first one of yours I've read.

Quoted from The Package Flashbacks of a beautiful brunette woman occupy his mind.

It'd be better to show these, or to say he looks occupied.

Quoted from The Package CONRAD (54), tired and unkempt, coughs a death rattle as he lights a cigarette. Ensconced on a bench, he looks around the park.

Best character intro I've read recently. I like this guy already.

Overall I'd say it could do with trimming, you could say the same thing to the same effect with fewer words. This wouldn't improve your story, but it would make it a better read.

I liked the idea, as did TUS, about your use of the package. After reading TUS's other comments I have to say I pretty much agree on most points. I'd say you'd need to raise the stakes a little throughout. It's interesting as it is but if there was some more conflict in play it would improve a lot.