Nowhere Man by Steve McDonell - Short - A former roadie and confidant of the Beatles plunges into depresssion.  9 pages pdf - pdf, format

Stevie,
I read this again now it's appeared. 'Tis a good little story, which I enjoy more each time I read it. If you're doing another version there's plenty of room here to expand. I'd like to see a little more.

As for some of the dialogue I would say I'd rather see your stamp on it rather than the actual transcriptions. Plenty of space for artistic interpretation.

Do you have any non Beatles influenced scripts? Other artists are available you know  

Hey Rv, thanks again, man. And welcome back Don!

I'm gonna explain here about the dialogue so any readers will know straight up that some of it is actual verbatim from the events depicted.

I may change it in the future. If people like it as is, it's ok. I don't really tinker with my shorts much (that sounded kinky) but I'll just play it by ear.

Um, yeah, i've got two comedies that aren't about the boys, though one references them. Am currently working on a drama that is about american football.   I may slip in a Beatle reference, just to keep my average up.  cheers RV.

Hey Stevie.  Good to see you and the lads back. I liked it but have a few comments as always.

>When John H. character is introduced as the collaborator on Mal's book, shouldn't that be in the show, not the tell?

>Is the Air rifle a hand gun or a rifle? I was confused when John H and the police referred to it as a gun. I think others might also.

>Also, once Mal showed the Air Rifle, I knew he was gonna get shot by the police. Just saying.

>Is the phrase "the great John Lennon" redundant? I think it reads smoother without "the great."

The imagery at the end was top shelf. It's one of those moments that everyone has a connection to.

Gary

Hi Gary, thanks for the read and the incisive comments.

I don't think i explained it clearly enough above. Because this is all based on true events, a lot of the dialogue is word for word as recounted. I was worried this would sound tacky and some of it does.
The John Hoernie intro was a bit tough - cos i knew John Lennon was going to be mentioned later in the script, I had to make sure who this John was, to avoid any confusion. It does read oddly but i wasn't sure how else to show who he was in realtion to Mal.
The gun is described as an air rifle in the accounts - i think we cal it a slug gun here in Oz. They fire pellets which wouldn't be fatal but could take an eye out. I referred to it as a gun later because most people would say that as a general observation.
Yeah, poor old Mal did die this way. I used the exact names of the cops and the number of bullets fired at him.
And yeah, the cops at the end coul've just said John Lennon. Again i've used the recounted words these officers spoke that night.
Thanks again. stevie

Stevie,
Just gave it a read. I thought your vision was spot on. I saw everything as you wrote it. From the desperate moments of the here and now, to the flash backs that came around to find Mal and John together.

As a short, you nailed it.

Shawn.....><

Hi Shawn, glad you enjoyed it. I had the inspiration because a lot of non Beatle freaks wouldn't have heard of Mal - i wanted to tell some of his sad story. well, the end was sad. and i guess i found a link between him and John with the way they died. Cheers man.

Oooh, aaah. someones been paying attention to the criticisms from their previous scripts, cause this one was a mighty fine story.

A beautiful sad story about the Beatles. When I first started reading this I honestly thought Mal was the Fifth Beatle. but as it turned he was just a go getter or something.

The officers reaction to a mortally wounded John Lennon in the back seat of their car was heart wrenching.

Was your version of John Lennon's death based on fact or did you alter it to suit your story. I was always under the impression when he opened that door he got his head blown off and died instantly.

But yeah, what you are doing, keep it up cause this was an amazing effort.

Oh and you've had a go with the Beatles now what about them Poor Monkeys, they're cold and lonley and no one gives them any attention. They need to be put in one of your stories.  

Quoted from tonkatough I was always under the impression when he opened that door he got his head blown off and died instantly.

Not at all... He actually crawled a pretty fair distance to the gate of the Dakotas before he died. Tough ol' Goat, actually. Like my Doctor... Guy's had cancer 5 times, beat it everytime and just had a triple bypass... Guy's a mule and he's 83. I swear he has Gamma Rays in his DNA.

EDIT: AFTER THE READ --

I pride myself on short screenplays... I love them.  I write mainly short films, actually. They're such a great challenge and exercise for any writer if you do them with strict guidelines and rules.  When I say short films, I mean 30 to 40 pages most of the time; not 5 to 10 pages, though.

With that said, there is something to be said about a cohesive screenplay/story that can be told in 5 to 10 pages. I haven't read many so far that have. In fact, 98% of them are junk, miss the mark completely and, in some rare cases, slightly.

Here's what I thought.

Before hand, I know a great deal about the Beatles because of the people I grew up with and around. Mainly my father and best friend Justin.  Two of the biggest Beatles FREAKS you can ever meet; besides the ones who write scripts about them "ha"  ... With that said, I don't think I know them well enough to feel an emotional attachment to your script.  Rather, I don't know if this was based or grounded in reality or not.

The dialogue was hit and miss... I say this cos it flows really well through 70% of it, but the other 30% is tucked inside that 70%.  What I mean is simply, it reads really well and then BAM! You're hit with some stiff dialogue like --


----
FRAN
I’m calling John Hoernie. He’s
helped you write your memoirs.
He’ll cheer you up.

or

FRAN(ON PHONE)
Hello, Police? My name is Fran
Hughes. My old man has a gun, he’s
taken Valium, and is totally
screwed up.
(beat)
Yes. Please hurry. We’re at 8122
West 4th St.

or

OFFICER 1
Jesus Christ! That’s John Lennon.
Some prick has shot the great John
Lennon.
----

In every one of those instances you can see where it can be better when looked at objectively.  I could re-write them myself, but I usually only do that for people I dislike and when I'm being a twat rash for no good reason.  Here, I simply want to point out that you have the ability to write captivating dialogue, it makes up 70% of your script... but you also have the ability to lose you way and not maintain consistency.  

I will write a scene 50 ways to Sunday... So much so I hate the characters after I'm done even.  But guess what I won't hate..........? The Dialogue.

In the end; the story is one that is obviously important to you. Important enough for you to tell to several S.S. goers, and it's written with enough heart to know you didn't just slap it up here for the fuck off it.  I respect that.

Hey Stevie,

Interesting read. One small nitpick - didn't Chapman read the book while sitting on the curb, after he shot Lennon - and not standing?

I didn't know who Mal Evans was before I read this one. I stopped briefly after finishing page 1, did a little google search and returned to the script. I will say that the only weakness this script has is the fact that you're probably too attach to the story. What I mean by that, is that you probably know Mal Evan's story by heart and therefor neglected to give this one a longer build up (you know, to really let us readers know and feel his pain). I mean the script pretty much starts out with him being somewhat suicidal and, because I didn't know what he had been through before that, it was hard for me to get into his emotional state. Your flashbacks did help a little towards the end but I, personally, could have used a bit more.

Very powerful ending though. That was really well done.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Stevie

I think there might be a typo on page 3. 'John lunges at Mal, and tries to wrest the rifle from him.  But Mal is too strong,'  Should this be 'wrestle' and not wrest?

If the police fire six shots at Mal from inside the room, how come only four hit him?  Surely they are only a few feet away and every shot would hit?

I enjoyed this but had no idea who Mal Evans was, so I did what Rob did and googled him lol.  I also agree with Baltis' comments that some of the dialogue was a bit unnatural, but only a few lines.

The ending was pretty moving and helped to show Mal's closeness to the group.  All in all a pretty good little short.

Quoted from alffy If the police fire six shots at Mal from inside the room, how come only four hit him?  Surely they are only a few feet away and every shot would hit?

I agree, but that's how it really went down, alffy. Cops are just bad shots I guess.

Wow, thanks guys, for all your different comments. I'll reply on a general note, but ,trust me, all your views are really valid and I appreciate them.

I have to repeat: the clunky dialogue is what was actually said, according to the accounts of Mal's death. Fran said those words on the phone. My sources for research were from the various million Beatles books i have ( anthology the main one) and wiki.
The wiki info is from the beatle books anyway.
After the Beatles broke up, Mal was a bit of a loss with what to do. He tried producing films and records but generally drifted about till 1976.

Ok, a couple of points: I think Glenn meant to write Mal instead of John having his head blown off. My research showed the cops told him to put the gun down but he didn't. Six shots are mentioned in the reports - yeah, Rob, maybe the LA cops were stoned as well! Um, Chapman might've sat down - i was going from memory there. I know he put the gun on the pavement and read Catcher.

Finally, I consider Mal to be at least the 6th Beatle. sure, he was their gopher and the boys put shit on him(as they did to a lot of people). but he was their friend as well and they appreciated his and Neil Aspinall's presence in their lives.

Thanks again for the kind words. I know i rave on about the boys a bit, but well, who can blame me? I may do a re-write at some stage on this. Cheers

Quoted from Baltis. The dialogue was hit and miss... I say this cos it flows really well through 70% of it, but the other 30% is tucked inside that 70%.  What I mean is simply, it reads really well and then BAM! You're hit with some stiff dialogue like --

Balt, I believe the dialogue used is the actual dialogue taken from witness statements and the like. I had a chat with Stevie about it, I suggested he should go ahead and improve it. I know he'd do a good job. In my opinion it's the only weak part of an otherwise excellent story.

Quoted from Baltis ...twat rash...

Gets my vote for the Baltis 'phrase of the week'.  

Quoted from Baltis ... just slap it up here for the fuck off it.

Are you Charlie Brooker? The sprit of Steven Wells (RIP ex N.M.E.) lives on.

Sir, you are a wordsmith.

I feel like I would like this more if it were better structured. You set it up just fine then cut to the flashbacks (I wasn't a fan of the slow moving bullet transition BTW, it doesn't fit at all). I would've knocked you on the dialogue but you say it's all true to life so no worries there. The problem is you just whiz through them like nothing. They almost seem pointless in the end. If you interspliced them into Mal's life, maybe they would work but you'd have to figure out a graceful way to do it. I'm not sure how you'd approach that. Mal's abrupt death kinda loses impact just given the way the flashbacks come. I did like the last scene a lot. I think that's the meat of the story. About how this guy took care of the Beatles and such. Although again, the way everything's arranged, the ending just adds to the overall disjointed feel.

So yeah. My issues are with the structure. The plot is fine. If you're not married to the dialogue or aren't desperately striving for historical accuracy, you could probably clean it up some but that's you're call. I guess you can't really complain if someone actually said it.

Anyway, hope this helps.