Dormitory by Gbenga Durossinmi-Etti (lastborn87) - Short, Horror - A short story of a group of teenagers stops by a dormitory to see some old friends. They discovered it's dominated by the walking dead 33 pages - pdf, format

You wrote this as a production script or posted it as one... Eitherway, I'd veer away from that as you develop a better writing understanding. The whole script is riddled with directions and hang ups like "WE SEE"  "ESTABLISHING SHOT" and so forth and so on... It really tacks up your script. Weights it down and punishes the readers who wish to read it.

I see HODETT ENTERTAINMENT at the bottom of every page. Why?

Anyways, I'm not going to say much more about format other than this -- LEARN IT.

Your characters are flat and bleed together more than a pak of Dollar Store markers... Your dialogue is rough and abrasive aswell. It's one hang up after the other when trying to read this script... I want to focus on the story and what's going on, but I'm on page 8 and nothing is.

TRACEY
Rapture my Ass! You're never a
(MORE)

TRACEY (cont'd)
joker. Can't you see? No one's
is been on our path ever since
(silently)
Silly punk!

What does that mean?  This isn't the 1st instance or the last... Your dialouge is really rough, man. I don't know if English is your native tongue or not, so I don't want to offend you in anyway but your script often reads as if it was translated over from another dialect all together.

I will get to the end and see how productive I can be in my review from this point on. I don't want to be harsh or rude, but I want to let you know where you're going wrong at the same time... I'm trying to be as constructive as I can, but I also have a tendency to be "ME" and that "ME" is a prick more often than not.

I'll finish it soon.

Hey Gbenga, I'm sorry, but I can't get through this.

So many mistakes on page 1 alone.  Numerous sentences missing punctuation...periods, even!  Just a whole lot going on that shouldn't be.

As Balt mentioned, the dialogue is really...well...it's wierd.  I don't even understand what characters are trying to say at times.

I'd like to help you and give you some detailed feedback, but there's really too much wrong here to even begin, I'm afraid.

But, I will offer some help on your logline, which is not well done at all. In all honesty, I knew this was going to be a mess, just by reading your log.  Let's check it out...

"A short story of a group of teenagers stops by a dormitory to see some old friends. They discovered it's dominated by the walking dead"

Here's a quick rewrite...see what you think.

"A group of teenagers stop by a dormitory to visit some old friends, only to find that it's now over-run by the walking dead."

Best of luck with this.

As others have mentioned the format needs work. You don't write "WE see a car in the distance". So get rid of the camera directions and P.O.V stuff, not needed.

The dialogue doesn't seem natural to me, a lot of it feels forced and it comes off weird and awkward.

"Mercy! There is a man coming" Things like this should be changed, I don't know of anyone who speaks like this.