Office Romance by Linder Pak - Short - An office romance burgeons between a young engineer and a bored receptionist. 10 pages - pdf, format

Linder,

This story clearly deals with the often aching power of desire, and we are taken through an array of emotions for a romance that never was. Throughout the script, it felt like you were building to a payoff that would justify the elaborate jumps in time, and yet, we find ourselves ultimately in a dream. Now, escapism is what stories are all about; however, dreams which prove to be empty and lacking resonance leave a reader unfulfilled - this is what happened here. Lindsay's escapism, her dream, is of little consequence to me 'cos the only reason - I assume - she is escaping is 'cos she's seemingly not regarded very highly in her office. That doesn't feel like a robust enough basis for me to care about her unfortunately.

For me, this script would carry more weight if it channeled the use of those jumps in time to juxtapose the early promise of romance with 2 mid-40s failed romantics quarreling over the small things, when in actual fact it is anything but the small things they're arguing over.

The writing largely stands up, and the flaw - for me - is in the lack of a consequential story than your abilities.

Andrew

Andrew,

thank you for taking the time to read my script and for your comments.  

i think the point i was trying to convey is that there are people out there, like me--for instance, who are perpetual daydreamers.  esp. for this girl, who's just a receptionist--she just lives in her dreams, even if it's only 10 minutes at a time.  

We can extropolate that she is unfufilled in real life.  And when we feel unfufilled, we envisioned some miraculous thing to happen to save us from our hum-drum life.    

i'm thinking that this story made more sense in my head, because you're not the only one who feels this way.  

in any case, thanks for your comments!

L

I strongly relate to this. Not the whole romance thing, but the day dreaming. I day dream all the time, really long day dreams like the one in the story, and I get in trouble from it alot. I also hum out loud, in fith grade I'd get a "time out" everyday just for humming (strange that they had time outs in fifth grade, no?).
I like your writing style, simple and easy to read. I didn't really feel the story, it's not that it wasn't good, I just don't do well with romance stories.
P.S- This would make for a good feature. Except the whole day dreaming twist.

Thanks, Eric!

so sorry that you had to get time-out in fifth grade!  that sucks, lol!

i think a lot of us can relate to "living in our dreams," which is the reason why i wanted to write something like this.  i don't think everybody will get my story, because many haven't!  lol.  c'est la vie.

don't know if this has much substance to make into a feature film, but thanks!

Linder

I may have gone a little overboard here since this is a short script, but I'm used to reviewing feature length stuff.  In any case, here goes:

pg 1 - OFFICE PEOPLE in close proximity raise their
eyebrows at her and annoyed that she just won’t shut up. -- eyebrows at her, annoyed...

pg 1 - She continues to hum to herself. -- kind of repetitive, I would omit this

pg 1 - much to the annoyance of all those around her. -- again, we already know they're annoyed with her

pg 2 - (audibly) -- unnecessary

pg 2 - If you're going to call the woman Sarah, why do you introduce her in caps as YOUNG WOMAN?

As he leaves, a YOUNG WOMAN, 27, arrives with some
drawings. -- As he leaves, SARAH, 27, arrives with some drawings.

pg 3 - He STARTLES her. -- why is startles in caps?

pg 5 - I liked the dinner scene.  I think that was probably where they seemed the most real and had the most chemistry.

pg 5 - One in every few
steps, one would try to inch in towards each other, but not
to encroach on his or her space. -- awkward sentence, not even sure what you're trying to say here

pg 6 - If he likes her humming and thinks it's a cute quirk, why does he keep pointing it out to her like it bothers him?

pg 8 - Lindsay is fraught with so much excitement and joy that she
just had to SCREAM: -- "had" is past tense, keep your descriptions in present tense

pg 8 - PEOPLE in their Sundays’ Best -- I believe it's Sunday best, but I could be wrong

I kept reading thinking that the relationship between Joe and Lindsay sounded a little too perfect and shiny and I was hoping that there was going to be some sort of twist at the end.  I think you pulled that part off well.   Overall, it was a cute story.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it's a cute story with lots of nice touches, especially when at the end she hums a new tune...sad but kind of hopeful at the same time. The tampon line was lawl funny.

On the other hand, there wasn't much (was there any?) conflict in the day dream itself. So I started to lose interest. It ended really well tho. I think people will hafta be in a certain mood to really enjoy this.  

thanks guys for your input!  

kim--i've noted all your comments.  i do have a tendency to over-CAPsing, lol.  with the "encroaching" sentence, i was trying to paint a picture of the couple wanting to get closer, but not overstep their boundaries.  

i guess the main critique is the lack of conflict in the dream.  it wouldn't be a fantasy if had conflicts, no?

again, thanks for reading!

Not saying this is a direction you should go, but just something to consider.  Maybe if the daydream wasn't so all-encompassing.  What if they just started to date and meet each others' families, and fall deeper in love.  I think it was the fact that so much happened so soon that made it a little unlikely and suspicious, kwim.  But I especially liked everything from after the daydream on.  A very clear picture is drawn for the audience and we can't help but feel sympathetic for Lindsay.

Btw, I forgot to mention this before, but I liked the way Sarah was actually a nice person but in the daydream she imagined her being a bitch.  That was a nice, funny touch!

Kim

Being someone who has the good luck to often be paid to sit in the middle of nowhere with nothing but myself I figured I oughta read this.
I did enjoy it, the writing was smooth and easy to read.
My one issue is the daydream seems a little too typical.  All the good moments were the strange awkward ones, where she's being a bit wierd, or joking about being a ringtone composer.  Those stand out as a little more real.  
Of course this is coming from a guys perspective, so maybe our daydreams are a little different, haha.
I agree with andrew that if you are going through the whole timeline it should be something besides entirely happily ever after.  If this could somehow loop in more details from real life that leak into the fantasy it would make it a bit more complete of a story.
Anyways it was  fun read, thanks for postin

thanks for reading!

i appreciate all the comments and critiques.  i do kinda see how it might get a little boring by pg. 4, esp. because you don't see the twist at the end.  i should maybe break it up with reality, so it's not a big flood dream.

and about sarah -- i'm glad someone picked up on it!  that was the intention!

Sad and sweet, Linder.  A great mix.  Kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and was glad to see that it was all a trance and not something catastrophic.    You obviously can write -- I could see it playing out as I was reading it.  I wrote a short recently, similar in length and style, about an office romance (2 former coworkers).  Copy rooms seem to be breeding grounds for daydreams.  Very nice job.

Thanks, Tony!  you should upload it on here (if you haven't) and i'll read it!  also, thanks on the super sweet compliment about my writing.  it means a lot.

reading over some of my comments and replies, i've noticed a lot of grammatrical errors.  embarrassing!  

Hi Linder,

This was an easy read with some really nice lines of description. You've created in Lindsay a likeable and quirky character so I was rooting for her and Joe's romance to blossom. Maybe for that reason, I didn't like the ending as much (even though their romance did feel a bit too good to be true) but can see why you would have written that way.
I know she starts to hum a new tune at the end but I might find it a little more uplifting if a new guy enters the scene and brings with him the hope of a new romance for Lindsay. Really nice wiritng though.

best,

H