Down at Smokey's by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Comedy, Horror - Colin fancies himself as a ladies man, after a bet at with a barmaid tired of his advances, will he finally meet his match… 5 pages - pdf, format

Rewritten as:

Why do Vampyre's Love Bingo? by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Horror, Comedy - Bingo, Vamp's and the King of sleeze… 8 pages - pdf, format

Rewritten as:

Your Sleezy Heart by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Comedy - Will the past finally catch up with the King of Sleeze? 13 pages - pdf, format

Hey Richard

I'll start with a little niggle which is your slugs need altering slightly.  They should read EXT. BINGO HALL - NIGHT.  Also I think this should be INT rather than EXT.

You have quite a few spelling and grammer error, especially for a short of this length.  Also, you should lose the 'we see's' too.

You have some pretty good descriptions and your dialogue is strong enough throughout but....I didn't get the ending.  I know it's a comedy/horror but this is a comedy until the last line and that doesn't make it a horror.  The ending comes out of nowhere, there's no indication that Lily's a vampire and unfortunately this kills your story.  What came before was interesting enough but I'm sorry but I didn't like the ending.

Thanks for the review, i agree with the ending being too sudden i wrote it out in a morning and its pretty much my first almost finished short. Im gonna have to write another draft and build up lily's character more. Will review have alook at some of yours.

Richard,

It always makes me smile to see antics like I might if I were to pop down the local. The ogling Colin with his tan, reminds me of a few people, so that's a good start.

The stakes seemed far too low, however, for the bet. Colin stood practically nothing to gain, and his loss was much bigger - sure, he was uber-confident that he wouldn't fail, but why wouldn't he negotiate better terms? If he had negotiated, then I think you could've created a funny little exchange between him and Sally.

Also, this comment:

Quoted Text COLIN Bingo and church, the two best places for pussy.

felt a little too explicit. I mean, I know you were emphasising he's all about the "pussy", but something more subtle would've been more believable, and ultimately funny, I think.

This:

Quoted Text He releases a further button, producing a few sprigs of gleaming chest hair.

was much more subtle and amusing.

The conversation between Lily and Colin was pretty disjointed. We very uneasily segued from a funny-type bet story to a full-on horror. It was kind of like starting the treadmill at level 1, turning away, and then realising we're on level 10. You needed a more gradual easing in. I think if you were to drop in a scene that facilitated a more gradual change of gears, then it make a decent little story.

Andrew

Hey, Richard, read your script. It was intersting, funny where it had to be and all around a good read. Only problem I had with it is that the grammer in your dialog is very annoying, or in other words kinda bad. Several times you wrote "I'm" like this: "im", I kept mistaking them as typos for the word "in". Another example wold be:

"SALLY
Ive told you a thousand times,
stop! looking at my tits."

You could have written it with out the exclamation and instead could have just underlined "stop".

Other than some of the grammer, the scripts was good.

Best of luck to you,

Xavier.

Hey, Andrew thanks for the comments. I did consider changing the word to 'tail', still not sure. I didnt really think to much about the stakes of the bet, but i'll have a think. Ive made a change already about the abrupt change in tone, after it was posted it didn't look write to me.

Xavier, I must admit my grammer is a bit of a weak point for me, im already working on it in my second draft.

This actually had a good start as you painted a vivid picture of some rundown old Bingo hall somewhere in England.  I guess every sleazy bar in the world needs a greasy old creep like Colin.  Unfortunately, the story went right off the rails when it turns out the Asian chick is a vampire.  Talk about outta left field.  And then it just...ends.  Yeah, I'd say you have a work in progress here.  Maybe try again and lose the vampire girl.  And as Andrew stated, you also need to up the stakes.  

Richard

Nice read. Probably could have used a couple more pages for the ending. The sad thing is my brother in law's called Colin and the discription is just a little too close for comfort. I'm becoming facinated by shorts, keep them coming.

Liked this one a lot. Some good clear imagery here. Quite a few typos, nothing major. It was very witty and very real, if you follow me. I think I've been in that place before. I've certainly met a few Colins.

Re

Richard

I said I'd take a look at this from the positive comments. Some grammatical errors aside the writing is pretty decent, quite colourful and diverse in parts.

"Within the foam of his pint reads ’SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND’" -- I'm confused by this, is it a superimposed caption or what?

COLIN
Bingo and church, the two best
places for pussy. -- Great line

Colin had some good lines throughout, a funny if a tad caricatural individual, but he served his purpose within the piece. Some of your descriptive was vivid and entertaining too.

"Colin leans back and surveys his kingdom."

"He releases a further button, producing a few sprigs of gleaming chest hair."

Both these made me smile.

The ending however didn't do anything for me, felt very rushed and tagged on just to shock the reader, if nothing else. You've got a good premise here for a sketch, maybe think about incorporating a better payoff.

Col.

Promising but sloppy.

Do like the banter between Colin and Sally although the bet comes on quick  and feels a lil pushed to me.

Somebody mentioned that Colin has nothing to gain. Suggestion, if Sally decideds what will happen if he fails first, Sally can then, guarded, ask "what, pray tell, do you want if you win?" prompting Colin to gander at her glorious rack and offer "nothing that ain't already comin' my way." Something like that would display the slimey confidence that oozes out of Colin's pores.

Don't get why Sally looks the 70 year old and 40 year old. The bet is prompted after Sally says "there’s not a chance in hell you can make it
with anyone under thirty with half a brain." I figured this would be a term in the bet. It's a little confusing.

Everyone already commented on the ending. Personnally, I thought she was gonna end up being a ladyboy. Still, the horror element seems tacked on. I think you could come up with a better ending.

Anyway, enjoy it and look forward to seeing the next draft. Good show.

Hi all,

Firstly i'd like to thank you for the kind comments, this Idea came from a line to my girlfriend 'All this bingo is making me horny' which incidentally was whilst playing bingo.

Col. I imagined the words inbedded in the foam, just visable kind of. I take everyone's point about the ending. Ive bulked the second draft out, but im still not sure.

Souter Fell, i see your point when it comes to who Sally looks at, ive touched on this in second draft however, and i figure there's not many 'Lookers' at a bingo hall.

Im gonna see how the next draft goes, if it doesn't work at least i have a nice setting and a character who people seem to get.

Cathead,

You need to go to bingo in a small town. Went last week, full of lookers. Had a good night.

i went in the middle of last week, it was half empty, mainly the die hards. Can win some good money though.

Richard, thought I'd give this a read while waiting for dinner to be ready.

Misuse of word - glares at her chest - "to stare with a fiercely or angrily piercing look" don't think that's what you meant.

I thought your writing was fine. If others say there were a few grammatical errors and typos, they are probably right. That didn't bother me though as I didn't remember seeing very many myself.

The story itself is okay. I think it would work better though if you set it up better so the ending doesn't feel so "out of left field" if you know what I mean. The vampire thing is sort of interesting and a surprise, but it needs a better set-up.

I did have some issues with this script though. The believability factor...

I suppose things could be different in the UK, but when I was growing up in Sweden I used to go to a bingo hall with my grandmother and I also went a couple of times here in Florida with my husband's grandma. To me, bingo halls is for OLD people. If I try to convince myself that young women go there too, I still would have a hard time picturing hot young women dressed to be picked up there. In my limited bingo experience, it's about 99% women only. I admit I could be totally wrong, but that's what comes to mind for me...

Next we have Colin's character... I don't know what "cowboy" type guys are like in the UK, but here at least, they do not where gold jewelry. Trust me on this one. I know cowboy wannabes, but real ones as well. Jewelry is pretty much for women only and used car-sales men. You did say his spurs hit the floor. He wears cowboy spurs in the UK? I guess it could be true. I have no idea. It just doesn't seem believable to me. Ditto that for cigar smoking. Cowboys smoke Marlboros, not cigars!  

Anyway, all in all I thought you did pretty good. Work the build-up to the ending better and make Colin less of a cartoonish character and you will have an easily filmed short.

Pia