Monster's Lullaby by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A teen (whose boyfriend thinks she is cheating on him) babysits for an unusual child, and the house is broken into. 12 pages - pdf, format

That was cute.  Good for the younger set.  I liked the lyrics you wrote.  

Unfortunately, I didn't really get a Romance vibe from this.  It would have been romance if he really tried to win her back, but he didn't he was just jealous. There wasn't any real tension there.

It was good though. It made me smile, not laugh, but smile.

You get
  

This was a fun little read.

I really enjoyed the set up to this piece and the lyrics you wrote for your song were very original.  It made me want to hear the actual song.

I did, however, feel that the "romantic" aspect was the weakest part of your script.  There was really no build up, no resolution.  It was almost as if you threw in the boyfriend to meet the romantic requirement (which wouldn't be a bad guess on my part).

I'd give your script a solid 3.5/5.

liked the way you incorportated the premise into your story...lyrics fit your genre...pretty well written (only suggestion would be that on pg. 3, the parenthetical "interrupting" is redundant when you use the --)...story seemed a little static, but overall good job with the characters...

p.s. could i ask what program you use to write with?  i use final draft and the pdf never looks as "rich" as yours... thanks

I liked the dialog between Emma and Steve.  I have a 14 year old daughter who's on the "EMO" side and this reminded me of her group of friends.  

I liked that Steve followed her over and thought it was funny that the baby was talking but...where was the romance?  Steve gave up pretty easy.  Maybe if he fought for her or found out it was really the baby talking...

And I was a little lost in the end?  Did Steve send her the flowers?  Why did getting the flowers make her call the agency?  

Cute idea and vibe.  

Loved your writing. Very clean and crisp, but very visual at the same time.

Loved the characters too.

I read this real fast because I really enjoyed it and the writing allowed me, but once we got near the end I felt you rushed it a bit. You have 9 pages written when 12 was allowed. I think you need to go back and fix the ending. It left me sort of Huh??

I wanted to know what the devil tales were about... not that we need everything explained in detail, but I felt I would have liked a little more character and story in regards to that.

Also, there could have been a little more romance and perhaps even a tad more comedic feel.

Great job for an OWC though and I've read a ton of them by now.

Pia  

This was a fun read.  I really enjoyed Emma -- she felt real to me.  What I think could have been upped is both a romantic vibe, as well as greater tension, between her and Steve.  I think the devil's tail is hilarious, but could benefit with some development or explanation.  With a few more passes, this could be strengthened by delving further into the emotions of your main duo.

This is just okay to me. It's easy to follow, but I didn't quite get the essence of the story. So what really happened with the baby? Some kind of devil or demon? What is he doing that for? I think this lies towards Horror Comedy rather than Romantic Dramedy. There is very little romance going on. It feels like you just slap in Steve to make this story "romantic".

I give you kudos that you incorporate the song into the script. This is the first script I read that has done that.

Not bad, but not too good either.

First, the Monster's Lullaby is A Time for Dreams on the title page.

Missed quite a few commas and other punctuation marks.

The descriptions of Emma and Steve being matching books ends was funny.

Guess the lack of expression about the appearance of the devil's tail meant that this was common in this world, as she was also not terribly surprised about the baby's tail or that he was talking (just that he wasn't talking politely). I liked how it just moved by itself back under her dress.

I liked the incorporation and the song as fitting into that Addam's Family kind of world.

I don't know how the baby, even though he was a devil, knew about Ted Hamlin, unless they were omnicient by nature, in which case, Elizabeth would have known it was Emma at the door, eliminating the need for an introduction. In addition, if they came from Steve, they came pretty early and Emma would have reacted to it.  I don't know if Steve would send flowers. Maybe dead ones, just for the irony.

Gauks should be gawks, but it could be an Aussie or English spelling...

I didn't get the ending. Did she get the flowers from Debbie for having taken the job? In which, case, Emma really didn't have that much to complain about (compared to Jack Jack's babysitter on the Incredibles.) He was a little rude for picking on her boyfriend, but otherwise a pretty mellow little kid.

I have no idea who W Addams is. But then that's no excuse when google's stilll at hand. My, what an age in which we live. It is amazing.

Now enlightened I read on.

Unlike most I'm quite fond of paretheticals. As words can mean so much. Especially when the meaning can be so dubious. And, as long as the the writer doesn't take the piss, and you didn't, I find 'em quite useful when the meaning may otherwise be lost.

Quoted from ML the male version of what could be a matching bookend to Emma

A perfect example of what some would deem 'unfilmable and yet summons up an image in my mind of the character. I likey.

Things like 'stoop' and the like mean fuck all to me. This isn't a criticism, just a declararation of foreign ignorance. You yanks have a weird way of putting stuff. Still, I suppose we do too...

Good little story well told. Fade out should be on the right though. Apart from that there's little else to pick about. Enjoyable.

This was a very fast read and very enjoyable.

I liked the mild humour, it was different and the song was very well used.

The romance, well...it was lacking but, none the less a very enjoyable read and well written.

Very well written, I think. Good dialog. Nice lyrics and fits the script nicely.

On the romance side - I don't know, felt it was the script's weakest point. Also, not extremely funny for me.

Grabbed my attention though, an easy read.

Overall, I liked it. Thanks for the read.

First off, I want to say, Idiot, of course it's first off...  

I think this is a professional script. Now I know, yes, it doesn't have the romance-comedy vibe happening. But who cares? Let them all suck the big banana! And that's a good thing, right?  

I'm going to read this again tomorrow just because!

This is very polished and I think the person who wrote this is brilliant-- and they probably wrote it fast too. Wow!

Sandra

Hey writer.

This story was pretty good, but it could be much better. I didn't really get the ending... and I really want to. It seems simple, but I don't fully understand.

The baby crying could be in the action instead of dialogue.

Liked the set up for the singing, worked well.

Overall it wasn't bad at all, very well written, but I didn't laugh or feel any emotion.

Well done.

First entry for me...wish I could say how much I liked this, but I can't.  Sorry.

Lots of mistakes, as others have noted.  Punctuation problems all over the place.  There's a missing slug when Mrs. Stark leaves the house and runs down the street.  Other slugs are poorly written, in that 2 different houses are both called "house", but then later, it reads, "Stark's house".  Slugs need to be consistent and as detailed as possible, so we know where we are.

Story-wise, this didn't work for me either, sorry to say.  I don't see anything in here at all that relates to a romantic comedy.  I also don't see anything funny in here at all, nor do I see any attempts at humor.  The story didn't make any sense to me, nor did the ending.

Finally, the music piece of the challenge seems to be an afterthought.  I know it's going to be really tough for people to actually "hear" everyone's lyrics, over the 56 second snippet of music.  I couldn't get these lyrics to fit at all within the tune, but maybe that's just me.  But, the biggest issue with the music here is that it just doesn't really make any sense, as Emma is simply singing a lullaby, meaning there wouldn't be any accompanying music with it, yet it starts out with a "cue music".  Where is this music coming from?

On a more positive note, this was a very simple and quick read, and things were easy to follow.   It's never easy to write a script in a week,a nd this was a tough challenge for sure, so I give you kudos for completing this and entering it.  Sorry if my words seem harsh, but these are my thoughts after reading it.  Hope this helps.