Et Tu by Antonio Gangemi (tony gangemi) (Just Bill)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A struggling songwriter lags at his day job until he encounters a muse right under his nose. - pdf, format

Never mind the OWC, this is the best screenplay I've read on Simply Scripts. Mind you I haven't read that many... but of the ones I have, this is the best. It has a professional feel to it and everything works, from the dialogue to the action lines to the story itself. My only complaint is the end, which is a little cliche. I say this because I've seen it before. Still this is a very good script.

EXCELLENT!

A+

great job...love the style...easy read...only complaint would be "down the hall trent trudges."...that reads awkwardly...better, "trent trudges down the hall."...i know it's not very artistic that way, but it doesn't put the reader on the defensive either...anyway...everything else is terrific...great job...my favorite so far...

Good story...
Has all the elements required.
The only thing I can pick on is not capitalizing the names on intro - Raquel (31, robust) and Tanya (39).
The ending could have been a more twisted but I enjoyed the read.
Thanks

This one was very well written and fit the challenge.  Trent was a thought out character which made it easy to follow him through this story even though he was someone who lives a mediocre life, but i think most of us do which makes it easy to identify with.  Very well done.  Good work

Your script was easy enough to read. I liked the lyrics.

There was romance, but I didn't see the comedy in it...

Good for the OWC.

Cindy

I think you did an excellent job with the logline. It's intriguing and brief the way it should be.

I'm having a hard time knowing where to start with this one. It's obviously well written, but I feel confused by it. I actually went back and read it again, but I still feel this way.

I didn't get the relationship between Ellie and Trent. I really missed the dialogue cue in the beginning pointing out that she was his boss. I think that needs to be made more clear.

It felt to me like this piece isn't really meant to be a short.

Lots of questions for me on this one. Like:

Why the choice to start with Trent in the bathroom with Mr. Williams?

It felt like a really good scene to me, but not the right choice for this piece. I think it would have been better to write in a Jacked 'n Pumped 'hoorah'! early morning sales cheer among the guys. Something like that.

Here:

>She HUMS a few bars in unison as she trails down the hall.
Trent turns back before disappearing into an adjoining room.

I would have liked to see a reactionary shot from Trent THE MINUTE he hears her humming it.

I'm wondering:

Was Trent giving Raquel and Tanya the eye at the pond? Is that why Ellie was upset? If this is the case, I had really missed that.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm completely missing something.

To me, the relationship between Trent and Ellie just was not made clear.

The comedy is not here at all.

A solid piece of work though, I think. I just need it explained to me.

Sandra

I liked it. For a OWC it was very good.

The writing had a pro feel to it. Clean and crisp. Fast and easy read. I do have a couple of gripes however.

I didn't really get any real feel of romance between Trent and Ellie so I was a little surprised by the ending.

I also didn't really see the purpose for the beach scene. Or the need for those two other women.

Other than that, I think this is my favorite so far, but I've only read 5 (I think)

Great job dude/dudette!!  

ET TU

Pros – Title fit well with ending.  Foreshadowing with Mr. Williams advising Trent to work harder was good. Also, I appreciated the initial flirting in the hallway between Trent and Ellie.

Cons – The beginning could have been more into the story. I thought the story was just gaining some traction when it ended. I wanted to read the story of Trent and Ellie after the ending scene.  Also, some characters didn’t add much to the story:  Tanya, Raquel and Bill.

Comedy – A little light. More office hijinx? I am not sure.

Romance – A little light. The interest between Ellie and Trent could’ve been stepped up a bit.  I like the way you had Ellie get a listen on Trent’s earphones.

Lyrics – Nicely integrated into story. His life changed for the better once he finished the song.  

Writer – Maybe a sequel? Life after Jacked and Pumped?

Criteria – Met with improvement needed in comedy and romantic elements.

Gary

I like that one. Very well paced in the dialogs. Probably the best I read too. Had a few smile, but laughs.

But I feel a bit stupid. It's the second script I read mentionning Death Cab For Cutie I never heard of before. Sorry, but they are not known 'yet?) in France. And I didn't get the title too.


Michel

I'm sorry, I don't think I like this. I think the story is quite thin, i.e. nothing much is going on. I can't connect from one scene to another, so the story feels choppy so well. I don't see the romance and the comedy either.

There are too many characters, some of them are not necessary. The action description, sometimes, are a bit too detailed.

But you met the criteria of getting the song within the script.

I agree that this is Very well written and you certainly know what you’re doing. I just couldn’t find much comedy(romance too for that matter).

I just think that this should be expanded more and not be written as a short. Because what needs to be clearer, for me anyway, was the romantic relationship between Trent and Ellie.

Oh, and of course…I loved how you incorporated your lyrics in the story.

Again, I say great job! Easiest read yet!

I liked the end and the song. Romance is in there.

However, I did not care that much about your characters. It was hard for me to understand the importance of the song. The scene with Tanya and the other lady doesn't leave any impact - a distraction from the story for me. I'm thinking - to show Trent being disenchanted with his work shouldn't take as long as almost ten pages. Maybe it's just me.

Very very well written. Very neat.

Look, i understand what the writer was trying to do here, and the formatting and actual writing was good. But the hip feel of it, even as a parody of the advertising world, eventually became rather tiresome.
It was a bit disjointed and jumped around too. Other reviewers have pointed out the lack of comedy which I agree. But then I've never found any rom-coms funny at all, and admittedly I've only seen a coouple. Any film with hugh grant in it, I never watch.

A good try but didn't do it for me.

This was very well written and it's clear the writer has a solid understanding of the craft. Technically, it was very good.

In the end I think the story suffered by trying to be too big. There are too many scene changes and too many characters. We don't really get a chance to settle in and explore the characters with any depth, it feels very stop-start and glossed over.

In terms of the song, I think the lyrics were good but they are too long to just be shown written on screen. Because we don't hear them they could potentially lose their impact. It would mean having to look at a note book on screen for 30 seconds so the audience would be able to read all the words. Not very effective.

I didn't get any sense that comedy was attempted here. There was nothing that I personally found funny. Nor was any romance hinted at until the end, which really seemed to come out of the blue.

I get the sense that the writer is really out of their comfort zone in this genre but much more proficient in drama. There were some nice visuals and the scenes and characters were well painted.

One of the best in terms of quality of the writing, but only about average in terms of story and meeting the criteria for the challenge.

Cheers,
Tim.