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Piano Tears by Lew Sherwood (big lew) (Robin "the Newb" Locksley) Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A film director has a chance meeting with a woman in airport concourse while she is playing a melody on a deserted piano- both with broken hearts. Without giving him her name, she rushes off to her flight. Against all odds he is obsessed to find her. - pdf, format
No surprise as to who wrote this one. You have two cover pages for some reason...
"proctologists to some of the biggest assholes" - now there's a funny line
The formatting of your phone call doesn't look right but I'm no expert either so hopefully someone else can comment on that.
The story itself is alright but suffers due to some dull dialogue (I don't really get a sense as to who these people are... all we get is a caricature of some Hollywood mogul, a woman he falls in love with who does nothing out of the ordinary and has no chemistry with the man, and a few other people) and the descriptions.
You've got to find a way to trim down your descriptions. You go into so much detail on things that don't really matter ("a Hollywood Poster Boy: $10 jeans, thrift shop work shirt over a $100 T-shirt, $300 unlaced sneakers"), things that can't be filmed ("TONY, looks 40, thinks 20"), and verbs that should be passive ("Leg bouncing. Multi-tasking. E-mailing on his Mac. Abusing his iPhone" could be "His leg bounces as he multi-tasks: he sends an e-mail on his Mac while he abuses his iPhone.") And all of those are just from the very first paragraph of your script.
The script's not terrible, it just reads like something written by someone who isn't very experienced writing screenplays and we've all been there. It's up to you to decide whether you want to learn to fix these things and improve. Good luck!
Congratulations. This is the first of the OWC scripts I have read that actually attempts to integrate the music into the plot as I understand the whole premise was about!
It also attempts to be romantic in a traditional sense, and has a proper story - a beginning, a middle and an end! It wasn't particularly funny, but you have hit more targets than any of the others I have so far read.
I would say that some of the descriptions and some of the dialogue is overly complicated. Sometimes the turns of phrase work, sometimes not. You probably need to start to recognise the difference between those that might look clever when you're writing them (but read and would sound terrible as dialogue), and those that do add something to the script.
"TONY, looks 40, thinks 20 - a Hollywood Poster Boy: $10 jeans, thrift shop work shirt over a $100 T-shirt, $300 unlaced sneakers" for example could just as easily be: "TONY, youthful 40s, Hollywood Poster Boy - thrift shop shirt, $300 sneakers".
I didn't have any particular qualms about the formatting, and such like, beyond this. I would say that I did wonder how Tony knew that the melody was the woman's - it could just as easily have been a favourite tune of hers! She did not actually say that she created it.
Personally, didn't think it was a bad effort at all.
Cons – Distracted by long descriptions of characters, camera angles, time cuts, flashbacks fast forward, then normal speed, phone intercuts. Too much happens in short bursts. A few nits: Dialogue does not need underlining and italics for emphasis and phone numbers aren’t needed.
Comedy – Amused with dialogue re: celebrities but nothing memorable except maybe “Mr. Sting.”
Romance – A thirty second interval and Tony’s in love? If I suspend belief for a bit. Maybe. Tony acts obsessed rather than love smitten.
Lyrics – Short segment on the piano. Provides for search for mystery woman. Sting is brought in.
Writer – Great idea. You were the only one to literally work the director looking for a song angle into your story. Great effort for OWC. My biggest hurdle was the short bursts of the scenes and camera actions. Some may like it but I didn’t.
Criteria – Mmmm. Is it romance or obsessive? Drama good with some comedy.
Felt like a genuine American style Romantic Comedy. It was really good and worked for me.
The only thing I thought really needed strenghtening was the connection between the two when they first meet. That scene needs to be ten times more powerful. Something great has to happen there, a real meeting of the minds.
Other than that I thought it really hit the spot. Got the whole shebang in there in just the 12 pages.
I'm glad this is good because the fact you thought no-one was following the rules seemed to upset you.
I really liked this, had to read your opening paragraph twice, trying to figure out what Tony was doing. Was a little clunky IMO.
I loved the way he found her, and interesting twist i didn't see coming.
The theme was in the music so nice work there.
My only problem, would be the moment they met would have to be so much more to make Tony look sane for doing this. An easy fix for you after the OWC, you Need more pages.
There was some s little comical banter between Tony and other characters, could've been better, but I think you were going for a nice guy here, not the over the top "Arie" Producer. So, there wasn't much comedy, but it would have taken from your script. I think some things could've been tightened up early on to give some more room...
Wow, this is a tale of two halves! I didn't like the first few scenes at all- chunky action paragraphs, cliched Xmas stuff...
THEN...when Tony rang Sting, it became great! I laughed at the image of Sting reclining in his Tuscan villa making music! And it just got better. It incorporated all the criteria for the challenge, and in the end really owrked.
This would be my fave except for the opening scenes. Well done!
There are other really good scripts, but this one hits all the right notes... It's perfect. The writing, the characters, the pacing and pay off. It's all there.
Loved it! It makes me hang my head when I think of my own script. LaWl.
Have you thought about expanding it into a feature?
This is well written, well thought out, well executed, and it's obvious you know what you're doing. I'd even guess you are already in the industry.
I have a few problems with your writing, and want to point them out. A few instances of large blocks of prose, that should be cut down to no more than 4 lines...it just looks so much better and makes the read easier. No reason not to do this. Lots of passive verbiage, also, that I don't personally like, and is so easy to fix. A number of passive sentences that aren't really sentences at all...just "shots". Way too much direction for me as well, for a spec script. You have 2 title pages, and your page numbering is off, which doesn't start things off the way you want. Finally, your prose has a very static, hectic feel to it, which I personally don't like. Otherwise, you are obviously a solid writer and know your way around.
Story is good, and I always appreciate when "real life" characters are brought into a story. You met all the requirements, and everything was beleivable, and even moving, I'd have to say.
Your music and lyrics were defintely prominent, but the lyrics themselves weren't too good, IMO, and came across as a weak point, especially assuming that Sting wrote them.
All in all though, great effort and solid entry here. Well done!
I liked this OK. Cute romantic comedy idea, but the formatting is a problem, especially in the show me, don't tell me arena. He's a square peg in a round hole. How? By doing everything that every other suit does in an airport? Then there's the abundance of the -ing rule. He's bouncing. He's multi-tasking. He's emailing. He's abusing his I-phone. Simplicity is your friend.
The next scene is INT: Reception Area- same. Diasy is in the first class lounge at Heathrow Airport? When is DAISY ever properly introduced as a character? Tillie? The "Spanish" Maid?
Camera directions. Not so much in a spec script. Look at some of the other entries. Do they include 'em? Nah. Don't need to, unless your shooting yourself. Don't want to direct the director and waste any more precious white space than you need to. Suggest looking at "Terms of Endowment" (not written by me) as a fine example of spec script formatting.
Then there are the wrylies. (Eloquent, theatrical voice), (the long pause), (the much longer pause, an eternity)- all in one block of dialogue? Bit over done. Suggest breaking this up by including some action in the pauses. Have her DO something, even as simple as biting her lip or twirling her hair-somthing to physically and visually indicate that this phone call is going horribly, as opposed to just watching her hang on the phone.
And so it goes for the formatting. Story wise, I didn't really feel that much for Tony. He's a rich, pompous frat boy whom I don't really care if he finds true love or not. Sure, he recruits Sting and Brad Pitt to help him find his girl. Good for him. Can't relate. Now, had he been mopping the floors at the airport, heard the song and got the eyes of the world on his YouTube because of his character, his convictions and the magic of love (not his connections) now that's a guy I might be rooting for.
Yeah, it fit the challenge, but the technical mistakes are too heavy to overlook.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Emotionally alone A gentle soul suffering She needs his humour
Forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said, but quite a lot of unfilmables in here that really are emotions that should be revealed through action/mannerisms, gestures etc.
I think a few 'asides' actually enhance a Romantic Dramedy/Comedy type script. You're maybe verging on a few too many. Likewise with passive verbs - I've relaxed my opinion on these but I still do think you have a few too many to the point that it 'slows' things down.
Caroler (one L, not two) - at least on my side of the world. Coupla other typos - could be due the rushed deadline.
"Somebody broke my heart, and this is what came out." You almost got me with this line ... almost. Needs refining I think. And I needed more ‘time’ and dialogue between the two for me to really buy into the instant love match.
I balked at her touching his face (it read too familiar for a first meeting)having said that I would have bought it from his ego-driven character.
I really liked the inventive structure of your script – rewinds etc. Some nice humourous touches.
And, at risk of repeating myself this feels like a much bigger story packed into the allowed page count. Use of the anchor woman – to relay exposition - felt this dialogue needed refining a bit too. Ditto with Tony's dialogue on the TV being interviewed.
You want to get a cup of coffee? After she says her name. I think you need a 'pickup' piece of dialogue on the 'coffee' thing earlier when he handed her the Starbucks napkins.
Overall Lew, this was really enjoyable, a 'full story' packed into this page count and with a rewrite could be really something.
I really liked the title, but I don't feel that the story works with the title.
It doesn't have the "heart-strings-being-pulled thing happening for me" that happened in Autumn Walk.
I feel that this read was more "directive" and that took away from its feel.
Maybe that's something we need to discuss here on Simply.
I think you can write as clunkily as you want if YOU are the director and YOU have a vision. In that way, I think:
WRITING IS JUST A THOROUGHFARE ...
and you can quote me on that one.
It's a road and it's not the destination. We, as writers, are constantly redefining ourselves. You can see it int the structural changes in language.
This is something I'm trying to work on myself in clarifying.
I am not a "filmer" in any way shape or form. I work with words and emotion. From there, I want to hand it over to the experts in the field that deal with moving images. You know...
Seriously, you know what? I think it was Dec who said to me:
I'm not sure why you want to write scripts. The media seems too restrictive for your tastes. You're constantly trying to break out of the confines of it.
So I'll add here that you've gotta write what moves you.
But also, within some kind of parameters. And EVEN if you're breaking out of typical parameters, then a person's still gotta BE THE ONE TO
DEFINE NEW ONES-- NEW PARAMETERS OF THE CRAFT
As did Monet. And I'll start a thread on this later.
I wish I had more time to spend with your script. I'm getting tired. I'm very close to the end of the reads right now and I find it both enjoying and at the same time taxing in a psychic sense.
If I can, I'll try and come back to this one again later.
brad pitt...sting...that's a huge budget for a for a short...anyway, cute story...bit of a stretch having a piano bar at an airport terminal, but i guess this is fiction...would have read easier without all the camera angle/pov slugs...some of the description could be tightened...possibilities on a re-write...thanks...
>MAN (PHONE/OVER) (Eloquent, theatrical voice) I’m not going to be able to meet your flight. I’m very, very sorry -- (Long pause) Shelia and I have been talking while you’ve been away -- (Much longer pause, an eternity) --and we’re going to give it another try, because of the girls. You’ve been fab -
Just something like:
Sorry our relationship is-- It's over. You've been fab-
I didn't think you needed to put that in.
For this particular script, consider what you absolutely need to give weight to.
It felt to me that you were working hard to give Tony all of this "big and happening" vibe with his dialogue, but I feel it was misplaced. Like here:
>TONY Greg, Tony, sorry I missed you. Hey, man, we have a production meeting in two days, the Brad Pitt project lives. (Beat) Unfuckingbelievable. I know this was iffy for a long time, but Rick and I gotta have your art director ass on this. Call me. I don’t want to hear you’re on another job. Don’t even think of saying no. (Pause) Love ‘ya man. Later.
I think I would rather like to see this story have its beginnings with Tony and his daughter and not over the phone, but in person.
You know, I thought that Tony was married in the beginning because he was talking to his little girl.
Why would you write him in as buying a purple elf's hat FOR HIS DAUGHTER and then giving it away.
Maybe you should have his daughter be with him at the airport and SHE gives it away.
That would be mighty big of the child, I think.
And it would give her a reason to live within the script.
I also think that this story is very much like SAVED in that we have "The Mysterious Disappearing Woman" syndrome, which I think I'll now term:
The Cinderella Syndrome
So really, what this story is about is:
A mysterious woman that Tony meets and subsequently rushes to catch her flight.
Tony tries to find her using youtube.
I think you should delve deeper into the character's motivations. Yes this is only a short, but I think that if you haven't you should read
Autumn Walk
And see what the writer does in tone and simplicity.
I understand now why I was having trouble understanding this when I was burnt out from a lot of reads.
After going back and seriously taking a lot of time on it, it's clear to me that this script is not worked enough.
The potential is definitely here, but where you're putting weight in the script, does not, IMO, add to it.
Who is our protagonist, Tony? Besides a rich dude with all the connections? That's what I wanna know.
And I wanna know about the Mystery piano girl.
I really hope that this helps. You have certainly helped me.