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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Don't Leave Me Alone Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Don't Leave Me Alone by Bryan Michael Stiffe - Drama, Slasher - A bunch of friends decide to go camping fo the weekend, but they are about to get a lot more than they bargained for. 76 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 28th, 2009, 5:44pm
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James Carlette
Posted: September 14th, 2009, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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You need to sort out the format - unless you're planning to shoot it yourself.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

I got about halfway through. The big problem is simply that nothing happens. For about 40 pages you just have a group friends talking and getting high. There are the occasional hints of a plot - namely the credit card of the dead guy, but these are quickly glossed over. Given the log-line, I assume that the camping trip will lead to various deaths and people being chased through the woods, etc. So you really need to have bumped off at least one of the main characters by this point.

There's the seed of a fairly decent slasher-flick in this - it just really needs to be developed and fleshed out a lot more.




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stiffler
Posted: September 17th, 2009, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the advice. I wanted to move the story on steadily without it becoming boring, but this is hard to do. I have since added a death in the first scene and will try and lose some pages in the middle. Thanks for the suggestions.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bryan, I wanted to give this a look, since you read and commented on 1 of my scripts.

I’m going to give it to you straight here, bud, so please don’t take anything the wrong way.

Problems galore…everywhere…on every page, every line…everywhere.  I’ll try and give you a few pointers to get you on the right track, but I can’t read more than a few pages here.

First of all, as James noted, your formatting is terrible.  You need to learn what scripts look like, and from there, you need some sort of screenwriting software that will help clean this thing up.

You’ve got 76 pages here, but if you pulled out al these huge blank spaces, you’d most likely be down to 60 or so, which is way too short for a feature.

1)  Don’t write the title on Page 1.  You need a title page to start things off.

2)  You need to number your pages in the upper right corner, starting on page 2.

3)  Don’t number your scenes.

4)  When you first intro a character, you have to use all CAPS.  You also need to give us some sort of description (usually just an age or a certain physical quality will do).

5)  Don’t talk about the “camera” or use anything like “we see” or “we hear”.  Just write about what’s going on.  You’re the writer, not the director.

6)  Your opening paragraph makes no sense at all.  Your Slug states that we’re in “Joe and Tessa’s Apartment, but this opening paragraph talks about being in a house, and then talks about an aerial view, which isn’t going to work in an INT shot of an apartment.

7) Watch your passive verbiage.  This refers to using main verbs that end in “ing”.  You want your script to be in the active voice, you want it to invoke action, and passive writing does not do this.

  Lots of grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors on display here.  You need to do an edit and correct all these.

9)  Numbers need to be spelled out in your prose.

10)  Do not write “end scene” at the end of your scenes.

11)  Not sure where this is supposed to be taking place, but you can’t buy shrooms, X, or anything like that in a Head Shop.  Completely ludicrous.

OK, 10 pages in and nothing at all has happened.  You posted this as a drama, but I see based on the 1 review and your reply that this is supposed to be some sort of slasher/horror flick?  I don’t get it.

You need to get going and provide some entertaining things early on.  This is not doing that at all.

Learn about formatting scripts, read as many as you can and see how story develops and is fleshed out.  As it is now, it’s not readable, IMO.

Sorry to be harsh…just trying to help.  Keep at it, bud!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  September 22nd, 2009, 7:01pm
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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 22nd, 2009, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bryan,

As you read and commented on "Remembrance" I thought I'd have a look at your script in return.

All I can really do is echo the comments already posted - in particular those of Jeff above (Dreamscale), who usually talks a lot of sense.

I don't like hitting people about the head with formatting issues, but obviously in this case there are so many that it does need to be addressed. To be blunt, this bears little resemblance to a screenplay as it stands, and consequently makes very difficult reading - it is hard to assess it's qualities as a story because of this.

You can learn about formatting from this board, where you will find threads specifically on this, and also by posting questions re anything you need clarification on (don't be afraid to ask). And you need to read as many as you can - SS has links to hundreds of great scripts, and sites like MyPDFScripts and, for this kind of story, Horror Lair will also have screenplays you can download and read.

And, of course, there are the many unproduced scripts here. While you will find that some will share problems with your scripts, you will also find some writers here, especially the regular and prolific contributors, will be posting well structured and formatted material. I'd suggest you read the Simply Recommended Scripts thread to find some hints on whose work to look at.

Good luck with your future endeavours.
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stiffler
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Ok guys, stern but fair. Thanks for the advice The format is off and makes reading it difficult. Anyone know how I can remove the script from the archive so I can reformat it?
One thing though dreamscale, where I live you can buy shrooms and herbal X in head shops.
Thanks again.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Where do you live...Amsterdam?  We're talking magic mushrooms here, right?  You can buy them at a head shop?  I want to move wherever you live!!!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stiffler
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Lol I live in Ireland man. Magic Mushrooms were legal here up to a year ago. But then they were banned. They still sell mushroom grow kits though so you can grow your own , and herbal x etc.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Nice!  Shrooms rock!!!!!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stiffler
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Yes they do yes they do Regarding my earlier queary though, how do you remove your scripts from the archive? Im kind of embarassed now having something up that is tedious to read because of formatting. And it was only my first draft so I would like to rewrite. Do you have to contact a moderator to remove material?
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Just contact Dan and let him know it's going through a rewrite and he'll pull it down for you.

Did you see "Shrooms"?  It was based in Ireland, came out a few years ago.  Didn't seem like they were legal then, but I'll take your word for it.

best of luck with the rewrite.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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bert
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stiffler
...how do you remove your scripts from the archive? Im kind of embarassed now having something up that is tedious to read because of formatting. And it was only my first draft so I would like to rewrite. Do you have to contact a moderator to remove material?


Actually, the easiest thing -- for you and Don -- is to fix it up and resubmit.

Constant pulling down and putting back up is a PIA for him.

There is a comment box when you submit -- look for it -- and let Don know it is a new draft.  He will pull down the old one and swap it out with the new one.

Converting your file to PDF will also make it look cleaner, and the read less "tedious".  If your current software cannot do that, a quick google will give you several options.


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 23rd, 2009, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Good advice!  PDF is the way to go for sure.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stiffler
Posted: September 24th, 2009, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Ok sounds good. Thanks Bert and Dream.
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