SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:49am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dead! Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 10 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dead!  (currently 1162 views)
Don
Posted: September 17th, 2009, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Dead! by Daniel Chong (chongaman) - Short, Thriller - Two rednecks, "Jammin" and Nate are sent on a mission to gather guns and ammo for a revolt against a zombie apocalypse, but when things go unplanned, the two are forced to shoot their way out to safety.  10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Niles_Crane
Posted: September 18th, 2009, 12:47am Report to Moderator
Guest User



If there is one sentence designed to make you feel really depressed about a script it is "Zombie Apocalypse"!

Having said that, this wasn't too bad. It wasn't that good either, it was just OK. I have read a lot worse in this genre. The story was fine as far as it went - the fact that the twist was a bit original (well, unless someone corrects me and it turns out to have been used in a Romero film!) helped a lot.

A couple of little bits and pieces I'd suggest if you're bothered -

No need to describe everything the pair do individually ("They both have Southern Accents", or "They get out of the car" would do fine I think).

And No need to tell us that "Jammin" is short for Benjamin - it is never referred to in dialogue, so does it matter?

Personally, I'd not mention zombies before they appear - it would give the first sighting more impact.

I'd also make a bit more of Jammin's actions - while a nice twist, it does seem treated a bit throwaway here.

And I would suggest that a better ending than this, after what Jammin has done, would be for him to escape but be bitten, and end up as a zombie himself, maybe being shot by a former comrade who comes out with some of the same kind of dialogue about how easy it is to kill zombies.


Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 7
malcolm3
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
130
Posts Per Day
0.02
If you're going to go down the road of yet another zombie piece, you need a new angle, or a different perspective. There's nothing new in this. It's written ok. But that's about all.

For a couple of lines, I thought the zombies were going to try and communicate.
I know that's been done as well, but you get the idea.

Twist it, turn it, surprise us!

What if the mindless, flesh eating stage was just transitional. Then something else happens.

Keep shootin.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 7
Chongamon
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey guys thanks for all your replies and feedback. This was actually something that I wrote in Junior year that was suppose to be a feature film, but never could find the time to finish it with sats and college applications. The orgininal idea was to be based on the character "Bill" this short was something i that i thought was funny. I'll try and think about a different approach to tackling the whole zombie genre. Thanks


- Chong
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
jackx
Posted: September 24th, 2009, 8:59am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
245
Posts Per Day
0.05
Entertaining enough, though I agree its not too original.  Specially with that "Zombie Land" or whatever which seems like itll be in the same irreverent tone.
Lots of typos, some that I remember:
I believe ‘30 out 6’ should be ‘30 aught 6.’  Since its aught as in naught.  Though it still looks odd.
Inferred should be infrared
Words like cause and cmon need apostrophes
P9 led is lead
I have to agree with most of what the others said too, especially about giving away the zombies.  In fact I'd take them out of the logline too, so people arent quite sure what to expect.  I do like the title though, usually one word dramatic titles come across as pretentious or lame, but with the exclamation point it works for the story.
Well done though, I did enjoy reading it.  


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 7
Chongamon
Posted: September 27th, 2009, 8:44am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for the comments, jack I really appreciate them. Make sure to look out for my first feature called, "200 Names of Marijuana", hopefully i'll be up in the next 2 weeks.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 7
Coleman
Posted: September 30th, 2009, 12:10am Report to Moderator
New


Carpe Diem

Location
illinois
Posts
61
Posts Per Day
0.01
I got interested and you ended so abruptly. Awe, man, you tease. Joking. I liked it but make sure in your descriptions you aren't telling what a character is doing and instead describe the visual motions or action of it.

thanks for the read,
~Brandon


"After Dark"
"Lie Behind the Eye"
"In Came You"
"Insatiable"
"Bethany"
"The Heartbreaker"
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 6 - 7
Andrew
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Daniel,

For what it is, this is a good little read.  The writing felt about right, but towards the end you - as Coleman alluded to - started 'telling, and not showing'.

The whole Zombie thing sits well in my eclectic movie taste, and the opening to "28 Weeks Later" still ranks as the best of anything I have seen in the genre.

Anyway, I really liked what you did with Jammin wasting Nate, especially after Nate had been built up as the more intelligent of the two, so a nice slice of Darwinian action.

As a showcase of what you can do, this was a good pointer.

Be interested to see more work from you.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006