Entrapped by Wise - Short, Drama - Amanda, a 20-something young lady, fakes pregnancy to get back with her boyfriend. Will Her plan work?  16 pages - pdf, format

1. Are you aware there is an actress called Amanda Petersen (and one called Amanda Peterson). Not absolutely necessary, but might be best to change it a bit.

2.

Quoted Text JARED Let's meet at Newberry park later, say about six o'clock. AMANDA Okay.Where is it located? JARED Two blocks from place.

Two blocks from place? What does this mean? If it is "your place" or "my place" and this is an typo, why doesn't she know where it is?

3. When they have the phone conversation, you need to establish, firstly, where Jared is. Then indicate that you are cutting between the pair. This is a perfectly normal technique. You don't do it here, which means that when you refer to Jared checking his watch, this is the first indicator that we are seeing him as well as hearing him.

4.

Quoted Text He wears a business attire.

In other words, he wears a business suit? This is all you need to say.

5. Amanda just starts talking. Where has she come from? All you need to say is, "Amanda walks up".

6.

Quoted Text AMANDA What a bright idea. JARED So, you like it? AMANDA The park? Come on. You should know me by now. A seven day cruise would be better.

So does she like it or not? Is her first line meant to be sarcastic?

7. Don't use block capitals within the dialogue (especially not a character name0 as it can get confusing - if you want to indicate he is shouting or other emphasis, just put it in brackets, or else underline it or italicise it.

8. Very minor point - (Continued) at the end and start of each page is no longer necessary (it was once standard but is no more)

9.

Quoted Text JARED You know what Amanda. I've seen it all, I got it all and I have a lot to give. But I'm a simple guy. Sometimes all I want is someone who can appreciate the little things.

I'd say he sounds like a complete idiot - is this the intention?

10. We are now on page four of the script. There is nothing so far of any interest to me. The dialogue is flat and unnatural. The characters are just that - characters who are speaking lines, they don't come across as realistic people. And there's another 12 pages to go.

11.

Quoted Text Amanda sits on the couch. Next to her is LISA, a pretty 26 y.o., discussing plans to help AMANDA get back with JARED.

You don't need to tell us this - it should be apparent in the dialogue that follows.

12.

Quoted Text LISA Listen to this... Lisa ignores her and she starts reading. LISA (CONT’D) "Libra, today is your day.

No need for the action break at all - obviously, Lisa is reading and ignoring her friend.

13.

Quoted Text AMANDA If you're thinking what I'm thinking it's not right.

"If you're thinking what I think you're thinking" is presumably what you mean to say?

14.

Quoted Text LISA You wanna to know what's not right? Trust me... Besides, who's going to help you pay for this condo, your new beamer, and your maxed out credit cards on designer clothes, hand bags and shoes?

No need for the paragraph break - this is a screenplay not a short story.

15. When Amanda stares at Lisa, it seems to be a scene ending  on the dialogue about celebrating - and yet you then continue it.

16. Oh yes - by the way, you have no need whatsoever to have character names in block capitals after the first introduction.

17.

Quoted Text LISA Don't you want to get back with man?

Man? Surely "Don't want to get back with Jared" is what you're saying here?

18. "Caller" would indicate they rang her. You would be best giving them names, and also you need to indicate with a OS (off screen) that they are not present in the scene.

19. A Time Dissolve would be better if you are staying within the same scene but wish to indicate that time has moved on.

20. Given that Amanda would only be a few weeks pregnant if she wanted to have an abortion, surely this indicates that she has been very active sexually - which casts some doubt on her relationship with Jared.

21. Again none of this dialogue sounds in the least realistic. The third man manages to claim to be in an unstable job and paying support for two children - and then says he wants to go through medical school. Firstly, this would seem to indicate that he must be fairly young, and secondly - how would he afford it?

22. Again, in the scene where Amanda and Jared speak about the pregnancy, you fail to indicate that you are showing him and where he is - so you have him speaking lines, after she hangs up, when he is not in the actual scene.

23.

Quoted Text This chic claim she was pregnant for him

- This should presumably read "This chick claimed she was pregnant by him". I would also suggest that very few people still say "chick".

24. A lot of this dialogue is very lumpy. "Twenty five hundred dollars" - or "Two and a half grand", which is more likely the way it would be expressed.

25. Marc states that his story relates to his room mate in college - why does Jared believe that it is in fact himself that he is talking about? Also, as his story relates to a con trick, why does Jared says that Marc should stop running away from his commitments? This would suggest that he knows something we don't - that this story is about Marc, from personal experience. If so, it needs to be clearer.

26. You state that Lisa and Amanda are sitting on the couch and then have Lisa say that Amanda should sit down.

27.

Quoted Text AMANDA Thanks to you I got into this mess. LISA So, I'm your problem? AMANDA Jerry would not break up with me in the first place.

This makes zero sense. How did Lisa play any part in the break up, which we saw for ourselves? And the last line is very poor as well.

28. When we have the flashback, you have the written the slugline back to front - INT/EXT always comes first.

29. The ending has a mild twist - not exactly earth shattering, but OK. It might have been worth foreshadowing it with Marc at least mentioning he knew Amanda.

All of the above might be rather negative. For that I am sorry. I assume this is, if not your first script, one of your first. You need to learn more about some aspects of screenwriting - but you are in the right place for that!

I would say that, for all it's faults, your script did at least have a logical narrative progression - a beginning, middle and end. It made relative sense within it's own structure. It needs work - but from this point of view, at least you obviously have some sense of story structure, even if you need to work on other aspects.

Sorry I could not be more positive.

Some very confusing things going on with scenes and who is in them. I'd look at that, fix it.

The dialogue in the park...seems to me that Amands talks like a guy.

Jerry? Who's Jerry?

Dialogue is bookish.

Interesting enough to want to know what's going to happen but the execution is rough and drawn out. Could have been 5 to 10 pages easy.

Niles Crane and cloroxmartini, Thanks a lot for the comments. I really appreciate that. I'll get back later to clarify a few things. It's my first script.

I'm not going to comment too much on your script Wise. Clorox and Niles have already done a fine job.

Firstly. Congratulations! You've just had the guts to post your first script on the WWW on SS. May it be the first of many. Everybody's here to help and encourage. We all make a few mistakes in format on the first one.

The ending was ironic. I for one am a sucker for irony.

Keep them coming Wise. I'll keep a look out for your next revision or script.

Good luck.

For your first script this is alright. You are missing a lot of small words though in your dialogue like "he" and "your", but if you proofread again you'll be able to catch all of these mistakes.

Oh, the character Marc, is he the same Mark at the end of the story if so you have to change that.

There was no time lapse between Amanda calling CALLER 2 and CALLER 3. It melded together too much. A little more separation with more action taking place will clear that up.

You don't have to put Amanda and Lisa's name in all caps to start every scene. One time when you introduce them is fine.

I think you can expand this into a full script. It has the potential for it. Your margins are good but I'd watch the dialogue line length. Try to make sure you don't go over 3 lines of dialogue at a time when a character speaks... unless it's a monologue or something like that.

thanks for the read,
~Brandon

Thanks for all the comments.

Oh, the character Marc, is he the same Mark at the end of the story if so you have to change that.

Yes, same character. Give me your suggestion, what's  not working?


Thanks

2.
Quoted Text
Two blocks from place? What does this mean? If it is "your place" or "my place" and this is an typo, why doesn't she know where it is?

It’s two blocks from his place. She’s not park material. She would not be familiar with park locations

6.
Quoted Text
The park? Come on. You should know me by now. A seven day cruise would be better.
So does she like it or not? Is her first line meant to be sarcastic?

No, she does not like the idea. She tries to be sarcastic but she really mean it.

9.
Quoted Text
JARED
You know what Amanda. I've seen it all, I got it all and I have a lot to give. But I'm a simple guy. Sometimes all I want is someone who can appreciate the little things.


I'd say he sounds like a complete idiot - is this the intention?

No, he is a good guy who falls for the wrong girl (s). Since he’s successful they want to be with/use him to get what they want.  

13.
Quoted Text
AMANDA
If you're thinking what I'm thinking it's not right.
"If you're thinking what I think you're thinking" is presumably what you mean to say?  
Yes


17.
Quoted Text
LISA
Don't you want to get back with man?
Man? Surely "Don't want to get back with Jared" is what you're saying here?
Amanda still wants Jared back but.  

27.
Quoted Text
AMANDA
Thanks to you I got into this mess.
LISA
So, I'm your problem?
AMANDA
Jerry would not break up with me in the first place.

This makes zero sense. How did Lisa play any part in the break up, which we saw for ourselves? And the last line is very poor as well.

Lisa was the one guiding Amanda on what to do before, during and after the breakup. They are best friends.