Hmmm, kinda walks the line of being annoyingly wierd and mysterious/interesting.
Big first paragraph ‘ Sandra tries to contain a small outburst and is mostly able to as she looks away from both girls and lets out a sigh’ I would try to rewrite that in a way that explains whats on the screen. sounds a little novelistic as it is. You say alisons alone, but theres a girl behind her and her friend dan next to her Some of their dialogue comes across as a little desperately intellectual Have you ever read Dhalgren by Samuel Delaney? Huge amounts of dialogue with no action at several different points in the script. P64 sandra seems to be speaking alisons dialogue
Overall, interesting ride, was there a point to it? I'm not entirely convinced. Alisons and Dans relationship was certainly interesting and beautiful. None of their friends seemed the least bit important or real.The other characters were pretty good, doctor and bookstore owner.
Overall was kinda an funky ride to nowhere. I would be interested in hearing what you were trying to accomplish with this. |