SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:22pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Darius Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Darius  (currently 1259 views)
Don
Posted: September 18th, 2009, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Darius by Ben Abkaryan (ben309) - Drama - Who is Darius? Why can't she remember him? 68 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
jackx
Posted: September 24th, 2009, 10:27am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
245
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hmmm, kinda walks the line of being annoyingly wierd and mysterious/interesting.

Big first paragraph
‘ Sandra tries to contain a small outburst and is mostly able to as she looks away from both girls and lets out a sigh’  I would try to rewrite that in a way that explains whats on the screen.  sounds a little novelistic as it is.
You say alisons alone, but theres a girl behind her and her friend dan next to her
Some of their dialogue comes across as a little desperately intellectual
Have you ever read Dhalgren by Samuel Delaney?
Huge amounts of dialogue with no action at several different points in the script.
P64 sandra seems to be speaking alisons dialogue

Overall, interesting ride, was there a point to it?  I'm not entirely convinced.  
Alisons and Dans relationship was certainly interesting and beautiful.  None of their friends seemed the least bit important or real.The other characters were pretty good, doctor and bookstore owner.

Overall was kinda an funky ride to nowhere.  I would be interested in hearing what you were trying to accomplish with this.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006