Return From Another Dimension by Marvin K. Perkins - Short, Sci Fi/Fantasy - The mayor of a small town is adducted by an alien time traveler. He is transported to another time and dimension by an evil creature, who's purpose is to take the mayor back to his planet and use him, along with other captured humans, as slave labor.  In a classic battle of good and evil, he must find a way to return from another dimension. 17 pages - pdf, format

Hi Marvin. I've made some notes for you. Of course, they are only my opinion and are meant to be constructive and hopefully help.

Page 1.
For me at least, the set up is too fast. One minute Tim is driving down the street, then into the car wash and gone. I know that's what you wanted, but I think it might work better if you draw it out a little more to play on a build up of tension, leading to his disappearing. Just my opinion of course.

"Suddenly something seems wrong". Like what? He screams in fear, of what? I know that as writers we sometimes tend to see the movie in our head and forget that the images we see need to be transferred to paper. I'm just saying to remember that the audience can't see what's in your head. Which is why you need to describe these moments.

"INT. Another Dimension...", What type of dimension?

Page 2.
"He is alone, but he feels someone is watching". Maybe change someone to something?

Page 3.
In Charlies dialogue, you can probably get rid of him saying that he got a call on his "cell phone". Maybe... I just got a call.


Page 5.
The sheriff comes in a bit cocky, then does an attitude reversal, even "slinking out" when Charlie mentions not voting for him. To me a least, if the sheriff does an about face that quickly, then this law enforcement officer has a very weak backbone and probably should not be a cop. Just needs to be believable.

"Tim is about out of his mind", why?

Page 6.
Tim's conversation with himself does not ring true with me in regards that he's telling himself out loud that he has to get out of there.

Tim sees a creature "not of this earth". Tim is not on Earth correct? So it can't be an Earthly creature.

"It emits some type of signal", again being nit picky, but what type of signal? Sonic? RF? Ultrasonic? Does it come from the lizard creature itself or a mechanical device?

When the creature (I would seriously consider a real name for him) talks to Tim, I'm not buying his dialogue. If it were me, I would consider stretching this screenplay out, drawing out setup and maybe revealing the creatures intentions a bit further on. I guess I'm just seeing this creature very matter of fact in his delivery (which could be your intent) of his ultimatum to Tim. But then again, if that's the case then why did he wait before he said anything to Tim? As soon as Tim shows up the creature could simply just tell him what he wants and be done with it instead of letting Tim wait.

Page 7.
In the diner the sheriff admitted that there were other missing persons. So what is making him come down so hard on the car wash clerk? What makes him think the clerk was involved?

Page 8.
The clerk is jumping up and down?

Page 9.
Threw me off a little at Tim's use of "dude". He's the mayor? It just seems out of place with him. I just can't see a mid-forties mayor walking around saying, "Vote for me dude".

Page 10.
Tim (cont'd) should be centered.

All the (cont'd) on page 10 can be removed.

You have Sam speaking 3 times in a row at the bottom of 10. I think the middle dialogue should be Tim? In this dialogue Tim says, "the sheriff and his deputies have been looking for you guys". How does Tim know that the other "guys" are there as well?

"Tim and Sam stop talking for a moment of thought and then continue". That sounds off to me.

Page 11.
The grammar and structure are starting to fade here. More unnecessary (cont'd)

Page 12.
How did Tim suddenly figure out that they are in another dimension and all the particulars?

Page 13.
I don't even know how to make sense of the creatures dialogue even if he is mechanical.

Since about page 11, the grammar and structure are slipping.

I don't understand how Sam and Tim are figuring this all out?

Page 14.
Their running around and what not almost seems comical now, like Keystone cops.

Page 15.
Interesting how you go from, this creature has technology far advanced of ours, to it having an "Off" button on the back of it's neck.

Page 16.
Both Sam and Tim, seem far too casual for going through what they just went through. Almost like it was just another zaney day of being sucked into dimensional portals. I almost expect the next line to be "Hey Tim, there's a new coffee shop that serves a great latte, up for it?". My point being, some of the reactions that you have should be built up to include the needed tension and expectational reactions. Both men just got back from a close call in another dimension, they should act accordingly upon return. For instance, when Tim first got to the cave, he checked himself for injuries. Why not when he gets back?

Overall, your writing is decent. The dialogue seems to be a tad inconsistent with the characters. Meaning it seems to change as the person goes on. As far as the story goes, it's a bit weak and vague. I would try for more detail. I know that you intended this as a short, but even a page or so more just to add the needed tension and detail may make it a better piece. Good for you for writing it though!

Relentless, thanks a lot for taking the time to read my short and for your comments. You are the only one that has replied so far. I really like your line by line critique, very helpful. I can see I have a long ways to goo n this one.  Thanks for your help.  Marvin.

Marvin I read this, walked away to try and form an impression, then read it again.

Relentless has already done a line by line critique, so there's no point in me repeating this. Much of what's been said I agree with.

I tried to run this in my mind to see how it would play out on screen. How much sense does it make? Would I be entertained?

The best advise I can give at the moment, is read more scripts. Much of tha action and dialogue is disjointed and a little haphazard. The logic is a little off at times as well.

Don't think it's all bad. Far from it. With a little effort you could end up with a decent short. There are loads of people on this site who are only too willing to help out if you're serious. I'll keep a look out for your next posting.

Keep reading!
Keep writing!

Best of luck for the future Marvin.

Malcolm, thanks for giving my short a read. I really appreciate it. I have re-wrote parts of this several times. I guess I need to keep on working on it.  This is meant to be a genre piece. i.e like the sci-fi B movies of the 1960's. So maybe if you think of it in that light it might make more sense, then again maybe not. I do appreciate you taking the time to comment.  I am very serious and will always accept advice and help from the members of the board.  Thanks again, Marvin.

I liked it. This could be a better screenplay with a little work.
Are you trying to say that the monster speaks telipathically? (through tim's mind) just doesn't work for me. Also try to cut back on those big chuncks of dialogue. you could reveal exposition through flashbacks like how sam got there in the first place. The description of the monster was good but i had trouble picturing where they were... if it's only "30 feet long" couldn't he just escape? It seems like the clerk from the car wash is in on the whole thing; did he know there was a portal?

Marvin, wanted to give this a read, but no way am I going to be able to get through 17 pages of this, sorry to say.  I just read over the posts, and see you mentioned something about this being like a 60’s Sci-Fi B movie.  Well, maybe a D movie or so, but that’s another matter entirely.

I’m going to throw out some suggestions on your first page…all meant to help of course.

Problems jump out immediately here.  Your first paragraph is a POV, and it doesn’t make any sense at all.  Here’s the deal.  You list this as an EXT scene, yet the first sentence under the Slug tells us it’s a POV shot looking through the windshield of a car (which is an INT shot).

Without the POV stuff, this first paragraph is OK, but with it, it’s totally incorrect.  Let’s look further though at the POV shot itself.  Basically, it’s a form of using direction, and you really don’t want to get into that, unless it makes a big difference.  The only way POV shots work in a script is when they offer a “unique” view.  Think about the movie “Predator”.  When we “saw” through the alien’s eyes, the colors and everything were very different…so was the angle of the shot.  Same thing with “Terminator”.  When we saw through Arnold’s eyes, the view was unique and we knew we were looking through his eyes.  Another example would be the view from a snake, slithering along behind its victim.  If you’re not offering something along these lines, don’t use a POV.

Your 2nd scene also has problems.  You list it as an EXT scene, yet you’re describing Tim in great detail, down to what he’s wearing, which means (I would think) you’ve moved to an INT shot.  Tim’s talking to himself is cheesy and just not necessary also.

I always recommend using more descriptive time frames in my Slugs.  Once you set the scene as being “evening”, use things like “continuous”, moments later”, and “later” until the time changes to “night” or whatever.  For instance, the INT car wash scene is continuous with the Ext one in front of it.

But there’s another issue here with the Slug and scene itself again.  You list this as “INT. CAR WASH” – but you’re describing things inside of Tim’s car, which mean the Slug should read “INT. CAR”.  Some sentences suggest you’re inside the car, while others appear to be outside.  The last sentence about “Suddenly something seems wrong…” is definitely an “INT CAR” shot.

Next Slug, here we go again.  You’ve listed this as “INT. ANOTHER DIMENSION TIME AND SPACE”.  Obviously, this isn’t written well at all and makes little sense, but the “real” problem is that the majority of this scene is not “INT”.  You’re describing this strange land that he’s on, and it’s definitely an EXT scene.

The final sentence in the intro is an unfilmable that you’ll want to stay away from.  “He is alone, but he feels someone is watching.” – What do you intend to be onscreen here?  Whatever it is, write it, as apposed to this unfilmable line where you’re telling us something that a character is thinking.

OK, that’s as far as I’m going to get.  Hope this makes sense and opens your eyes to such issues.  Keep these things in mind when writing your next script or fixing this one up.  Keep at it and best of luck to you.