Testament by Eric Dickson (jack) - Drama - A trio of convicted killers escape a prisoner transfer bus and take refuge at a secluded farm house.  One of them has his own secret agenda.  127 pages. - pdf, format

Jack

Okay gave this a read.  Your log line was good.  I liked the fact you underlined your slugs.  Personally, I think it looks nicer.  I usually do the same in my scripts as well.  Your formatting was pretty good.  I don't know, maybe when you converted it to PDF, some of the spacing got screwed up, mainly page#66 after the dialogue.  Juts take a look at that.

The idea of three criminals taking a family hostage isn't new and I'm sure your aware of this but I like the direction, you took this in.  I thought it was pretty good.

I thought you opened this up very well.  That's always good.

I might be jumping all over the place... so forgive me.  I don't go in any particular order.

Page#24... cowboy hate.  I think you meant hat.

Page#93... you start the flashbacks.  You have a few of them.  I'd probably think about just making it a FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

Also on page 93... you mention phoney cocaine.  That's fine but you should let us know somehow.  Like throw it in Bobby's dialogue somewhere during one of his voice overs.  Other then reading it, I wouldn't have known sitting in a theater.  Unless I missed something?

You CAP Scott Hardy twice, maybe you want to take a look at that too.

Page#83... I liked the twist with Scarecrow, not being dead when Bobby shot him and he got up and tried to escape.  If you can call it a twist? The interaction between the two out on the front lawn was pretty good as well.  Good suspense.

The killing of Misty.  I hated that you did that but you handled the strangulation scene correct.  You didn't make it end quick.  That's good, because it takes about a good five minutes for someone to die that way.  So it was realistic.

I was surprised that you didn't have them kill the two girls earlier.  Cassandra and Rowena.  That scene gave away the fact that eventually, Bobby would end up being sort of like the good guy.  I liked his character alot.

But you did a good job with Gary's character as well.

Page#27... I'd stay away from character descriptions, such as height, when you introduced Gary's father. 6'4".

Page#82...  first action line doesn't ring with me.  Scarecrow is hit in the back with TWO GOOD SHOTS.  One in the BACK and one in the LEFT SHOULDER.

Maybe,  just take out the very last sentence.  Something to think about.

Overall, I enjoyed the script.  It was an easy read.  I don't like to give out too many spoilers.

I also noticed you CAP alot in your actions line to emphasize something that is important.  I see that in alot of scripts.  Some of it, I don't think you really need to do that.

Example... A PHONE RINGS.  How about... A phone RINGS.  Just something to think about.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter 22

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Jack Okay gave this a read.  Your log line was good.  I liked the fact you underlined your slugs.  Personally, I think it looks nicer.  I usually do the same in my scripts as well.  Your formatting was pretty good.  I don't know, maybe when you converted it to PDF, some of the spacing got screwed up, mainly page#66 after the dialogue.  Juts take a look at that. The idea of three criminals taking a family hostage isn't new and I'm sure your aware of this but I like the direction, you took this in.  I thought it was pretty good. I thought you opened this up very well.  That's always good. I might be jumping all over the place... so forgive me.  I don't go in any particular order. Page#24... cowboy hate.  I think you meant hat. Page#93... you start the flashbacks.  You have a few of them.  I'd probably think about just making it a FLASHBACK SEQUENCE. Also on page 93... you mention phoney cocaine.  That's fine but you should let us know somehow.  Like throw it in Bobby's dialogue somewhere during one of his voice overs.  Other then reading it, I wouldn't have known sitting in a theater.  Unless I missed something? You CAP Scott Hardy twice, maybe you want to take a look at that too. Page#83... I liked the twist with Scarecrow, not being dead when Bobby shot him and he got up and tried to escape.  If you can call it a twist? The interaction between the two out on the front lawn was pretty good as well.  Good suspense. The killing of Misty.  I hated that you did that but you handled the strangulation scene correct.  You didn't make it end quick.  That's good, because it takes about a good five minutes for someone to die that way.  So it was realistic. I was surprised that you didn't have them kill the two girls earlier.  Cassandra and Rowena.  That scene gave away the fact that eventually, Bobby would end up being sort of like the good guy.  I liked his character alot. But you did a good job with Gary's character as well. Page#27... I'd stay away from character descriptions, such as height, when you introduced Gary's father. 6'4". Page#82...  first action line doesn't ring with me.  Scarecrow is hit in the back with TWO GOOD SHOTS.  One in the BACK and one in the LEFT SHOULDER. Maybe,  just take out the very last sentence.  Something to think about. Overall, I enjoyed the script.  It was an easy read.  I don't like to give out too many spoilers. I also noticed you CAP alot in your actions line to emphasize something that is important.  I see that in alot of scripts.  Some of it, I don't think you really need to do that. Example... A PHONE RINGS.  How about... A phone RINGS.  Just something to think about. Good Luck, Ghostwriter 22

Thanks for taking a look.  Yeah, there's lots of mistakes, typos, spacing issues, too many CAPS.  I lost Final Draft and wrote this on Word.  I suck at setting margins and had to do the formatting manuely.  

I can't seem to convert it back to Courier 12 since my computer crashed.  I keep fixing the spacing, but everytime I convert it to PDF, it gets screwed up again.  

There's lots of stupid little mistakes that seriously need fixed.  I wrote this on a one week bender, spending hours on end just getting the story down on page.  I should seriously go back and fix this thing before I ask anyone else to review it.  

Anyways, I'm glad you overlooked the spacing and other errors, for the most part, and gave the story itself a review.  I'm glad it worked for you.

Oh, and #93 -- that whole thing should be a flashback sequence.  I see what you mean here.  Too much back and forth taking up pages.  Agreed.

Eric



  

You wrote this in one week? Or you just finished the storyline on your "bender" and then did the script?

I'd be happy to give it a read once you work out some of the bugs. PM me if you like.

Quoted from NJDevil You wrote this in one week? Or you just finished the storyline on your "bender" and then did the script? I'd be happy to give it a read once you work out some of the bugs. PM me if you like.

I spent maybe a week and a half writing some ideas on notebook paper, then did the script a few hours a day for about eight to ten days.  I won't be touching this for awhile or doing any other scripts for now, I have too many stupid personal crisis on my hands.  Take a look if you want.