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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Blur Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 29th, 2009, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blur by Daniel Meade (ElectricSatori) - Action/Adventure - In the tradition of Next, Jumper and Push, with a little bit of V thrown in for fun, comes the fast-paced adrenalin-stuffed down your throat movie - BLUR.  Meet Justin, a man who runs faster than the wind, faster than the sound barrier, and faster than light. After he is outed on national television, Justin is forced to flee. While on the run he meets Renee, a sexy-hippie whose mysterious connections hurtle Justin deeper into danger. Will he outrun the secret government agency chasing him before it is too late?  Will he show the people who it really is who controls the government? Can he really fly?  77 pages - pdf, format


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Redeemer
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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I was eager to read this because I'm a fan of superheroes, but I had to stop at page 4 when Justin used his powers to sodomize someone with a trophy. Wasn't quite expecting that, given your log line, where you compare your script to Next, Jumper, etc. Nothing against you personally, I'm just not able to read a script with a protagonist as mean spirited as that.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 2nd, 2009, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Hello ElectriSatori

Unlike Redeemer I didn't bail out on the fourth page just because of the protagonist. I really don't see how he's mean spirited anyways, he saved a clerk, paid for the chocolate bar he took, and the reason for the trophy up the ass was because he was being cheated on, and there's the plane part.

But anyways I liked the fact that you didn't follow the same path of a warm hearted - I need to save everyone - guy with superpowers, you changed it up a bit and made him seem a lot more human and a much deeper character,

You logline reads more like a transcript of a preview for it on TV, you can cut a lot of stuff, for example "In the tradition of Next, Jumper and Push, with a little bit of V thrown in for fun, comes the fast-paced adrenalin-stuffed down your throat movie - " You only need to give us what we need to know, the basic concept of the story. A paragraph to any potential readers will usually ward them off.

I think you need to do more to make Renee want to help him, as it stands now it's okay but it could be better, What I was thinking is that you should make her really hate the police or any type of authority by adding something to her past. Something that when she finds out about Justin being wanted, it will make it more believeable for when she sides with him.

I finish this when I can..
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Redeemer
Posted: October 2nd, 2009, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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I understand that this type of humour appeals to some people, but it's not for me. I read a little further than last night, thinking maybe we'd see Justin improve, but then he humiliated a female reporter by stripping her in public.

I'm not saying every superhero or dude with powers needs to be kind and moral, just that the audience should have a reason to care about him or like him. Being cheated on isn't fun, but raping the offender with a trophy seems kind of extreme!

Just my opinion.

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Lightfoot
Posted: October 5th, 2009, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I didn't mean to be a jackass Redeemer, but I just thought it was kind of ridiculous to bail on a script because you didn't like a character's personality.

The trophy and the female reporter part were mean and whatnot, but don't you think this would be the start of a good character arc? (considering if he even changes)
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Redeemer
Posted: October 5th, 2009, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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I think it's a valid reason to stop. Why read something you're not enjoying?
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 7th, 2009, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Why even comment then?
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bert
Posted: October 7th, 2009, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lightfoot
Why even comment then?


Sorry Lightfoot, but jury sides with Redeemer.

The opening scenes of a script are critical.  They set the tone for the story to come.

Here, our hero -- who can stop time or something -- uses his powers to shove a volleyball trophy up somebody's ass.

Again, this is within the first 2-3 pages.

Redeemer decided to stop reading, and he told the author exactly why.  And he let the author know that -- perhaps -- he is pitching this script wrong.

Please end the back and forth here.  Thanks.



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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electricsatori
Posted: October 12th, 2009, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lightfoot


But anyways I liked the fact that you didn't follow the same path of a warm hearted - I need to save everyone - guy with superpowers, you changed it up a bit and made him seem a lot more human and a much deeper character,



Lightfoot, I think people will always want a protagonist whom personfies their innate desire to be something else, i.e. a superhero, millionaire, et al. Those stories with which the reader has to ask questions about themselves are always received poorly, or not as well as they would be had the writer pasted a two-dimensional anyman into the spot.

Redeemer might not like the story, but I didn't write it for him. I wrote it for people like you.  


Quoted from Lightfoot

You logline reads more like a transcript of a preview for it on TV, you can cut a lot of stuff, for example "In the tradition of Next, Jumper and Push, with a little bit of V thrown in for fun, comes the fast-paced adrenalin-stuffed down your throat movie - " You only need to give us what we need to know, the basic concept of the story. A paragraph to any potential readers will usually ward them off.


Yes, my logline is not up to par. Not even remotely.



Quoted from Lightfoot

I think you need to do more to make Renee want to help him, as it stands now it's okay but it could be better, What I was thinking is that you should make her really hate the police or any type of authority by adding something to her past. Something that when she finds out about Justin being wanted, it will make it more believeable for when she sides with him.


I agree, her backstory was the least developed of the bunch. Instead of creating a sympathetic character with nuances, she feels more like a device to further the plot. I like your idea, I will include that in my rewrites.

Thanks for your input!

-Daniel



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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electricsatori
Posted: October 12th, 2009, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Redeemer
I understand that this type of humour appeals to some people, but it's not for me. I read a little further than last night, thinking maybe we'd see Justin improve, but then he humiliated a female reporter by stripping her in public.

I'm not saying every superhero or dude with powers needs to be kind and moral, just that the audience should have a reason to care about him or like him. Being cheated on isn't fun, but raping the offender with a trophy seems kind of extreme!

Just my opinion.


Hey Redeemer, I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my script. I'm fine if the content of my stories offends, because you are always free to do just what you did - stop reading.
Personally, I am more concerned if there are problems with the plot, character arc, dialogue, or any of the story elements.

I write for two reasons - to entertain, and to reveal. Unfortunately, when you write to reveal it normally makes people uncomfortable. It's a fine balance on which I struggle with every word on the page. There's too much censorship in the world as it is, I won't allow it in my mind.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.

-Daniel



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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jackx
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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The first scene needs a couple more seconds before the thugs pull the trigger.  You pull a gun to intimidate, not to kill.  Just a couple more screamed lines after he pulls his gun and before he shoots.  This should build the tension a little too.
How does Marissa beat him to his house?  She also seems pretty quick to apologize.  Might make more sense if he goes in to her house again, like to grab out his stuff thats left there, then she walks in catching him.
The news reporter seems pretty quick to say he can run faster than light.  Seems like she would be a little more skeptical.
The whole scene with the reporter showing up at his door rings pretty false.  Why doesn't he just run off?  Why does the camera lady run off just as things are starting to get interesting?  Why is the sniper up in a tree of all places?

I have to agree with redeemer about Justin entirely failing to be likable.  He can be vindictive like he is, (similar to Hancock) but the difference is there isnt much else to him.  Pissing and spitting on a picture of his ex girl?  Thats just kinda pathetic.  
He doesnt come across as a realistic, he just comes across as somewhere between a prick and a loser.  Obviously thats just an opinion from my reading of this.
And that's not censorship, I'm all for stories about the despicable and ugly.  That's just consistent story telling.

I also agree that if you are going with that route you need to adjust your audience and hence your logline and the sentence on your title page.  
things seem to easy for him.  He has some superpower but lives in a crappy apartment?  He doesnt seem to have any moral reasons not to grab himself a little cash.  

Seems to be pretty jagged transitions from action to the bits of comedy.  I guess I shouldnt really say action though, since theres not much tension in just freezing time.

Not sure in what universe a first night fukk leads to bacon and eggs without any semblance of awkwardness.  Wasn't he balding, chubby with age spots a second ago?
Then suddenly he tells her everything just like that.  and shes "a little freaked out but respects his decision"  Seriously?
And how is the government tracking him?  that needs some explanation since he can move 'faster than light'.  
"Watch your tongue, we can hold you indefinately without ever filing charges"  Thats a pretty forced line, sounds kinda like your political thoughts jammed into a place it doesnt fit.
They're already missing each other after they just met?
Funny part when she looks down and her shirts already off.
And Renee happens to have a geeky friend hooked into the infoweb?  It's cool to make a movie in the tradition of these previous films, but need some originality.
I do like the location in a lesbian club.  Though not sure if hot women just hang around making out.  But I havent spend a lot of time in lesbian bars.  Maybe I should...
And michael has a whole super team just lined up waiting for Justin?  This is way past believable and just too easy.

The way to get the government off his back is to blow up IRS records?  which are conveniently transferred to one place?  You can see how this is a little too pat.
p33 you really wanna spell come that way?
Whys the last number of the sequence smudged?  He just types in a zero and nothing changes.
Its cool to just cut guys fingers off?

And Conroy the stereotyped evil government guy is back to slap justin across the face.  And then torture him.  
p38 Justin is spelled Justing
Though naming his ex and friend as coconspirators was pretty damn funny.  
The problem is this comedy (funny as it was) doesnt really jive with the rest of the mood.
Also the grudge against them seems a little sad for justin.  Not to get all personal but it reads like the writer just got dumped recently.  
So they needed his help to break into the IRS, then they all break into the secret washer jail with automatic rifles and motorcycles in the drainage tunnels?

You could drop the whole geeksquad without anyone noticing.  They dont really do much except fill a cliched character niche.
A lot of the attempts at one liners are a little awkward.  RE  Fukk me right in the eye sock-     Who's gonna say that as the place blows up?

The US took over the whole world with a computer virus?  That doesnt really jive with anything happening in the world today.

Yea I backed out as soon as you decided to introduce a new version of human history deep into the second half of the story.  Way too many wacky ideas for one story.

All the technical stuff is fine, the actions clear, didnt notice many typos.  Just the story weaves between unbelievable, way too easy, predictable, and just confusing.  And when I say believable I dont mean the fact he can move faster than light.  I mean how no effort is taken for everything to fall into place.  

To me the one interesting idea was that he does age when he moves that fast.  So he could be a hero and save people, but it would actually cost him his life.  Those are stakes that no other superhero story has dealt with (that I know about).  It would also add dimension to his (unbelievable) relationship with Renee.  Instead you get bogged down in every cliche there is.  And reptile humans are not something you throw in in the last quarter of a story.

Hope this doesn't come across too harsh, its obvious you put a lot of effort into this.  Good luck with it.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Baltis.
Posted: October 19th, 2009, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read the script, can't say if it's good or not... but I thought this was halarious --

"but I had to stop at page 4 when Justin used his powers to sodomize someone with a trophy."

But the pay off was this

"Wasn't quite expecting that."

Kinda makes me wanna read it, actually... and you know what, I'm going to.  I just started it and am on page 17 now.  So far, it's not all that bad. Dialogue is a tad silly and the situations are absurd, but there's something about it that makes it readable... It's lame, but Lame like playing the xbox 360 version of a game over the Ps3 version. I'm going to finish this one and get back with ya...

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electricsatori
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jackx
Instead you get bogged down in every cliche there is.  And reptile humans are not something you throw in in the last quarter of a story.

Hope this doesn't come across too harsh, its obvious you put a lot of effort into this.  Good luck with it.


Best review I have ever received.

It is obvious that you read this and gave a thorough and honest critique.

Naw, I did not put much effort at all into this. I just wanted to write a longer piece and let this one flow organically from me. Which is bad, I know, and that is why it is a bad script. The first ideas we have are always the worst and that is why rewrites are so important. It is crucial for us to dig deeper and get that cliched s h i t t e out of the script, which I did not, and should have.

I appreciate you getting as far into this script as you did.

I think there are some decent points in this script but mostly it is cliched, with unbelievable characters, and a forced plot. Hey, maybe it would be perfect for a SyFy movie??? Heh heh...

If I do decide to rewrite this, you can be sure I am going to use your review as a guideline.

-electricsatori


DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages

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electricsatori  -  October 20th, 2009, 12:47pm
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jackx
Posted: October 20th, 2009, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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You have a good attitude, so I went back and read the last little bit.
Some final thoughts:

If slowing time is hard for him, this needs to be introduced sooner.  For the first half it seems entirely effortless, then suddenly in the second half he's getting bloody noses, taking alot of effort.  Just show it being hard the first couple times he does it, maybe him panting, or things slipping a little, time jolting forward.
When lisa gets shot you say renee.  Also I dont think there was any hint of a relationship between ops and lisa before hand.
I like the senators reaction to finding out all his colleagues were reptiles.
Pretty much the same issues as before.

Everything needs to be believable within the context of the story.  For example, since you relate this to Jumper, that guy hooks up with someone who already knows the ropes that kinda becomes his guide.  
You do the same thing with your little guerrilla group, except their existence is never properly explained.  How do they have the things they have, how are they set up, what are they doing?
The guy in jumper makes sense, his little hideout fits his means and his past.  Your guerrilla crew not so much.

Also the reptiles just shouldnt be in the same story, thats too many ideas.  Maybe a top secret government group, but a human secret government group.  Who could be involved in why Justin is able to do what he does.  Which is never explained.

Not to give too many suggestions, but the story I would write with this would be something along these lines:
Justin with special powers tries to live a more or less normal life, afraid of aging too fast if he uses his powers.  Also scared what will happen if people find out.  
He has to move fairly often because everynow and then he uses his powers and people notice.  Some internet conspiracy theorists nuts who also believe that half the government is reptiles, have a website tracking him.
Finally he makes one mistake too many (maybe after catching his girl cheating on him) and has to run away.
He meets with a girl who is connected to the conspiracy theorists, love ensues, he gets hooked up with them.  And the conspiracy theorists either arent all gungho A-team ish.  Or they actually have a reason to be.
Then proceed to him fighting the govment agency or whatever, sans reptilian overlords.
That's pretty vague and all, but just trying to actually connect everything so it flows a little smoother storywise, if you get what I mean.
Good luck with any revisions.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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electricsatori
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jackx

Not to give too many suggestions, but the story I would write with this would be something along these lines:
Justin with special powers tries to live a more or less normal life, afraid of aging too fast if he uses his powers.  Also scared what will happen if people find out.  
He has to move fairly often because everynow and then he uses his powers and people notice.  Some internet conspiracy theorists nuts who also believe that half the government is reptiles, have a website tracking him.
Finally he makes one mistake too many (maybe after catching his girl cheating on him) and has to run away.
He meets with a girl who is connected to the conspiracy theorists, love ensues, he gets hooked up with them.  And the conspiracy theorists either arent all gungho A-team ish.  Or they actually have a reason to be.
Then proceed to him fighting the govment agency or whatever, sans reptilian overlords.
That's pretty vague and all, but just trying to actually connect everything so it flows a little smoother storywise, if you get what I mean.
Good luck with any revisions.


The plot you laid out is very cohesive. I had not had much intention for a rewrite on this, but I feel inspired to do so now.

I will defend only one aspect of the script, which I will probably remove anyway, and it is this; I made the government reptilian overlords because I wanted a unique twist on the played-out evil government group tracking the protagonist. However, it did not work and only served to further bog down my already convoluted story. So, I will remove it in my rewrites.

jackx, thank you very much for your detailed analysis of my work. Prior to your review I had no inspiration to rewrite this, but I will now. Of course, I will be using your critique as a guideline.  

-electricsatori





DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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