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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Charge for the Unknown Hero Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Charge for the Unknown Hero  (currently 1909 views)
Don
Posted: September 29th, 2009, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Charge for the Unknown Hero by Andrew Lightfoot - Short - Hunting is a dicy sport. 4 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 30th, 2009, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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This was OK. I assume the idea (as some of it was not all that clear) was that the trucker was going to shoot the jogger but ended up accidentally shot by the hunter.

That was a fairly nice little twist, but in only four pages, a lot of which were descriptive, it didn't amount to a lot - maybe this needed beefing up? You show us the hunter's home life - perhaps you can show up more of the other two characters as well? Why does the trucker want to shoot the jogger? Who is the jogger?

While the central concept, of the hunter being arrested for killing the trucker when we know that he saved a man's life, is not bad it might have worked even better if he had never known about the killing either and gone blissfully on his way - he killed one man, saved another, and never knew about either.

In fact, that would have fitted better within the framework of the story's take on fate.

Anyway, not bad.
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jayrex
Posted: September 30th, 2009, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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This needs a rewrite Andrew to make it clearer.

I kinda get the feeling that Tony killed Alan and the Man or killed the Man who killed Alan.

Is the Winchester weapon a rifle?  Does it have an automatic option?  Aren't rifles a single shot weapon?  I don't think you can have a 'whiz' of bullets from either weapon.

How did the crack in the window come about?  Was created by a bullet from Tony?  If so, wouldn't the front window be splattered with blood?

I would also capitalize these characters that would get paid to turn up: the Man, Tony Smith, Two Officers, & Two Small Children.

Is the T-Turn a T-Junction?

Also, the situation in the forest gives Tony ample opportunity to escape.  I can't imagine a rural crime to be reported within a reasonable time for the cops to arrive and arrest Tony.

All the best with any potential rewrites.


Javier


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Lightfoot
Posted: September 30th, 2009, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Niles and Jayrex

Niles Crane - I showed the jogger's home life not the hunter's, but I will think about adding more about the shooter. Probably even give him a name.

Jayrex - I guess I can make the beginning more clear, but it should tell you what happened as it is. The only one that was killed was the man, not Tony or Alan.

Yes it's a weapon, no it's not automatic, yes it's a single shot, and, if I'm not mistaken, the part you are referring to reads "followed by the WHIZ of a bullet." I used whiz to describe the sound of the bullet.

Yes the window was cracked by Tony, I forgot to add that in at the end.

The T-Turn is a T-Junctions yeah, couldn't remeber the name so I tossed T-turn in there.

I guess Tony has plenty of time to run, but what would be the point. He'd get charged with leaving the scene of the crime.


Thanks again for the read, I'll take all your comments into consideration.
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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lightfoot
Niles Crane - I showed the jogger's home life not the hunter's, but I will think about adding more about the shooter. Probably even give him a name.


My mistake. I do think you need to differentiate the characters more so that we see each as a character and not as a name/title - this kind of confusion can arise easily when the writer does not do this.
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harrietb
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Not a bad read and twist of fate.

Given the state of the interior of the truck, I thought the driver might have been intending to kill himself, not the jogger. I wasn't sure why he would target him. Not sure either whether the glimpse of the jogger's home life adds anything, or perhaps, as Niles (Simon) has suggested, you could add something of the driver's home life too. It would be nice to see what his motive for being there was.

Best,

H


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Andrew
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Andrew,

The opening two pages were the best part here. The whole scene created felt very real, and easily visualised. I think the problem came when you brought the events into play. While conceptually this was a nice, quick story to tell, the execution felt a little off. The flashback was obviously a ploy to elicit feeling from us for how close Alan came to dying, but also allowing there to be "a charge for the unknown hero'. Anything more and the minimalist feel of the story is lost, IMO.

To improve this, the writing just needs to be a bit clearer when we get to the meat of the story. Personally, I don't think the story needs much more - it works, and could be easily filmed as a bleak 2/3 minute short. I can just imagine this on a cold, English morning and I think in the right hands, it would work well.

Andrew


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Harriet and Andrew, you comments are very helpful

I got the idea of this by remembering watching a TV show  a while back about a man who drove around looking for people walking or jogging out in the country. He would stop a distance behind the victims, shoot them, then drive off.

But I will certainly give him a name, as for his past I might just describe him better than what I've done and try and give the reader a feel of how this guys is.

And I agree with you comment about beefing up the description in the bulk of the story Andrew.




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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 1st, 2009, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew

So this is Dick Cheney's version of things regarding that hunting "accident" featured in his soon-to-be-released memoirs, that bastard will try and spin anything, huh

This was an interesting little script. Firstly, I don't think it needs to be made clearer (besides a lack of capitalisation for some character introductions and the odd typo which we all fall victim too time and time again) in fact, I thought it was rather well paced and structured with each of the three stories unfolding concurrently right up to the final shots. Plus, the level of mystique and intrigue was just about sustained till the conclusion and reveal.

The start really drew me in, the ominous road, desolate forest and sprawling corn fields created an unsettling, lamost foreboding atmosphere that something tragic is on the cards. Reminded me of Babel with the stray shot, except here (unbekwown to all concerned) it served a greater purpose. As with all short shorts like these, further expansion and development is certainly possible. I think, as a premise you've got something of real potential here but we really need a motivation for the pickup truck guy, you gave the impression he was "troubled" so who knows, we are never told...but I'm interested to find out, and that has to be a good thing.

A lot could be done with this I feel. An extended rewrite, if you so chose, could throw up a good script, very filmable too. I reckon it has to be kept short, something under 10 pages maybe but playing around with that concept of the "Unknown Hero" has some fascinating possibilites. Let me know if you ever go back to this.

Good luck

Col.


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Coding Herman
Posted: October 3rd, 2009, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Lightfoot, I think this is not bad but could be better.

Apparently this is a story of three different characters, but Tony is the only one who I really care for. I want to know the motive of the driver to kill Alan. What did Alan do that the driver wants him dead? I would like to see more inter-connection between the three characters. This would make your script more cohesive because right now it's a bit choppy as one scene doesn't connect with the next.0

On the positive side, I do like the premise. Your description is easy to understand.

If you re-upload with the re-write, I'll take a look. Thanks for the script.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 3rd, 2009, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Colkurtz and Coding

Thanks for the read guys, I've already started a re-write and have added more onto the man's character and beefed up the middle part with better action than was used.

If anyone has anything they want a read on just let me know.
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 24th, 2009, 2:14am Report to Moderator
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updated version is up
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: October 24th, 2009, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi Lightfoot.

I quite enjoyed this, although I found certain parts a little confusing, making me have to back track a little. EG. The final scene at the T-junction- 'The man’s one eye squints shut and looks through the sight of his rifle with the other one'. Calling a character 'the man', when you have previously given him a name seems a little odd.

Other than that (and a few typos 'Fork and nice'?), an enjoyable, fast read.

Craig


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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Andrew

Like the original draft I like the story you've concocted here and the "No Country For old men/Babel" type location (or at least thats what I envisage, those long, endless, desolate highways) that it takes place in.

However I still think its not fully realised and could be improved.

Craig rightfully pointed out that you called Getty (great name by the way) "the man" in some of the action blocks which leads me to believe you simply copy and pasted it from the last draft without thinking to change the name since in this draft we are made aware of it...of course I could be wrong in this presumption, feel free to correct me.

There were also a couple of spelling mistakes and typos, not enough to distract to read or anything but a few too many within the confines of a 7 page, 2nd draft.

To your credit, the Getty motivation which was lacking in the last draft is given some meat here but it comes off a little forced and unimaginative. Having said that I did get some enjoyment from his snarlings at the photo, it just felt like I'd read those lines before in other scripts or seen that exact scene played out in numerous films.

GETTY
Damn it! I forgot my beer. -- Personally, I'm always very conscious of characters talking to themselves aloud as usually (not always, I know) we talk to ourselves in our heads, silently. Now while I understand that in a screenplay its all about exposition and filling in the audience (to some extent) what the character is thinking but here I think you could just show Getty doubling back into the house and then cut to him carrying the can to the car or have him drinking it when he's driving along. The reader/viewer should be able to join the dots, although I don't know what the significance is in him forgetting the beer, am I missing something there?

"Inadvertently in is movement he loses his balance and falls over" -- Since this is such a pivotal moment in the chain of events and ultimately plays a big hand in the outcome of the story it should be more dramatic, or a greater reason should be given as to why Tony loses his balance instead of just a random trip or fall.

As it results in him having to run after the deer and fire that fatal shot, a more thought out inciting incident should trigger it.

Now that you've beefed up Getty's story, Alan feels a bit thin. Now I'm not saying all three need some explicit back story but maybe Alan and his wife have a fight which makes him want to get out of the house for a bit so he goes for a run. In that way his reason for being out on the road mirrors that of Getty's albeit less serious and final. I know having all the characters parallel one another could come across as contriving but I feel something more needs to be done in way of getting these three people out there at the same time in the same place .

Would he really be done for manslaughter?

Are we to believe that Getty was actually going to shoot Alan in a fit of rage or was he just playing in so much that he would have him in his crosshairs for a bit before withdrawing. As if proving to his dead wife how easy it would be to just pick off someone at random, if he chose too. I got that impression from Getty, that he gets a kick out of sadistic sh?t like pointing his rifle at people from a distance, that sense of empowerment...then again, how did his wife die...maybe I'm grossly underestimating the guy.

As I said before I like the idea behind this, the whole "unknown hero" concept yet he's going to be charged as a criminal which is an interesting theme. A definite improvement but I just think you can still do more with it.

Col.


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Craig, and Colkurtz again.

Colkurtz

My main goal was to tell a bit about Getty's story, so I added it into the the script but completely forgot about the moments where i mention him as "man"

I had the same sort of feeling with the whole scene where Getty is eating at the table. For some reason it's seemed very fimiliar to me, but I blew it off because I had roughly the same idea in one of my previous scripts. I wanted to give the reader a feeling that Getty was crazy, both with the table nailed to the wall and him talking to like photo like it was a real being.

The whole forgetting the beer really has no point to it.

I'm pretty sure he would get manslaughter, I've researched hunting accidents before writing this and found a incident that happened near Swan Lake in New York where a hunter was charged with manslaughter after shooting at a deer. The bullet missed and struck a mobile home, killing a 16 month old girl.

Anyways, back to the drawing board.



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