The Water by James Fiddle - Short, Sci Fi - Two guys discuss life and everything it entails, as well as the many possibilities that life brings forward.  6 pages - pdf, format

This was painful to read. I have never seen such long blocks of dialogue before, you have parts that go for a whole page!! It's way too much and really needs to be broken up. I gave up reading half way through because it was too hard.

In the beginning you should at least describe your main characters. Tell us what they look like and roughly how old they are. I have no idea why in a short with only two characters you decided to give them the same name, that is really strange and makes it even harder for the reader.

Ultimately, from what I read I don't think there is a story here. There are two guys sitting on a couch and one performing a monologue for the other. That's it, there is no conflict or anything happening on the screen to hold our interest.

Sorry I can't be more positive but it didn't do anything for me.

Cheers,
Tim.

Tim is 10,000% correct here.  This is unreal...WTF?  Absolutely nothing is going on except a really long monologue. I mean, nothing...2 "guys" sitting on a couch.  How can that be interesting to watch for 5 + minutes?  It can't, it isn't, and this is really bizarre.

Sorry, but this may be a new level in pain.

James

This isn't really suited to screenplay format as Jeff & Tim pointed out. Some interesting ideas here, although I've heard the general concepts/beliefs & thought processes before that were expressed by Mathew. Even though it is far too dialogue heavy, it is well written dialogue all the same and easily read. You just need to work something more filmic and visual into the piece if you want it to become a screenplay.

Best of luck.

Col.

colkurtz8: Thanks for reading. I’ve taken your points on board and will most likely make some adjustments. There’s a film called “The Man from Earth” which predominantly takes place in a single room, I guess you could say that I was trying to do something along the lines of that.

Trojan & Dreamscale:
Lol, that kinda hurts. There is a twist at the end (not a great one) which pretty much explains why they have the same names.  

The large blocks of text is mainly due to the fact that they are under the influence of a drug. Some people are really mellow while under the influence and some are really talkative and drone on and on, I was simply trying to capture that.

The last line at the end is “anything is possible.” That’s essentially what I was trying to hammer home, that we as human beings are capable of great things and that the human spirit is what keeps on pushing us forward.

I’ve taken another look at the script and the dialogue is quite chunky, so I will definitely try to cut some bits down.

I am afraid I have to agree with the above comments.

It's one thing wanting to "hammer home" a message, but that doesn't mean it has to be dull and stagey. At the very least couldn't you have had the two characters move about a bit? Look out a window?

I would feel the urge here to quote Jack Warner - "If you want to send a message, use Western Union"!

It is fine to want to write something with a message - but having a character mount what is essentially a speech to an audience of one, is not just poor screenwriting, it's poor writing - period.

The whole basis of drama is conflict. What you need here is a situation and characters in which the message you want to give is presented through a definable story, with plot structures and motivation and all that jazz!

I would also just add that I am at a loss at how two stoned guys are meant to represent your message that human beings are capable of great things and that the human spirit is what keeps pushing us forward!

I agree with everyone above. The chunks of dialouge are quite horried to read. I get the message you were trying to bring, and also like it a lot, but the way you choose to show this message is very wrong. Two guys talking, with nothing much going on, is not the best way to represent humans capable of great things.

What I would suggest to do is cut a lot of the dialouge and put in some visual elements. It wouldn't hurt your story to have a few visuals appearing every now and then.

It is a good title. Caught my eye anyway.

Erm. Yeah. You've heard it already so I'll try and say something vaguely new.

Break up all that dialogue with some action, even the smallest movement. Nobody sits absolutely still for very long. We react and act. So tell us what we should see. Create a visual picture.

I'm quite fond of a bit of Shakespeare and he's very fond of long speeches, but then he's the Bard and a poet. You need to play along. Have a look at what's popular here and see how they do it. Then go pro and look at some sold stuff and some famous film scripts.

You'll suss it. I did, and I ain't the sharpest tool in the box. Apparently I'm a bit of a lush too.

Best of luck.

RV

You should be a political speech writer... You have an uncanny knack for saying a whole shit load of nothing.  This script is a pointless venture into the minds of each and everyone of us. We all talk about this shit... and if we don't, we have before. It's explored territory and the realization that there is humor and uncertainty around each bend is nothing new.

The problem with "short, short" scripts like this one... The lack of quality control. The problem with putting up a 40 to 120 page good script here is the lack of people willing to read one over one of these.

Another problem is when you have tow characters named the same damn thing... What is that?

Being philosophical has it's strengths and weaknesses when speaking publically... When you're passing along your own belief system or the notion we haven't caught on yet... It gets to be a bitter pill swallowed with the ash of yesterdays last cigarette butt. Basically, you better tell me something I don't already know because time is money and wasting either is financial suicide.  

Quoted from Don The Water by James Fiddle - Short, Sci Fi - Two guys discuss life and everything it entails, as well as the many possibilities that life brings forward.  6 pages - pdf, format

Hey James just read your script. I am sure you have gotten an ear full of first impressions so I am hoping to give you a little more constructive feedback.

First off, it's okay to write a script like this. We all have to start some where, and the first few scripts we write will seldom reflect our real talent. So don't get discouraged by the critics jibber jab. Take it with a grain of salt and continue to refine your craft. If you are a passionate screenwriter you WILL get better.

If it weren't for the constant inquiries of Matt, your script would be one continuous monologue. Not necessarily a bad thing but, Mathew I'm sorry to say isn't saying anything that I find can keep my intention for even 30 seconds. What does Nasa really have to do with Oil?

You sort of gloss over different assumptions and ideas without ever really exploring any one of them. Do you expect us the audience just to accept what he says and be willing believers? No way. Don't tell me this is the way the world works show me this how the world works and maybe I will give in.

I don't think it's a problem at all that the characters just sit there talking provided they have something engaging to say.

Look at Quentin Tarantino for example. He writes the most verbose monologues that you will ever see in todays pop culture cinema, but he does so with cutting expressions and insight. If that's your style as a writer than you have to be about that good to make it work. Otherwise you WILL bore your audience to tears.

Another thing, you said the two main characters are clones. Well unless you described how it is that they look different so that we won't catch on that they are infact clones the audience is going to see that right away and your twists fails. If you were trying to sell this script to a director, don't you think that kind of information would be important?

Besides that, your script as no inciting incident, not first act, no climax, no plot, and no action. It's droll and down right boring.

I want to see a little more effort on your part to make it as good as it can be before posting it on simplyscripts.

Best of luck and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Ok so actually I had a laugh at
Matthew throws the object back to Matt. .... " and forgive me for sounding cheesy"
Its more like the writer is talking about himself here lol...

Unrealistic.. no1 talks like that.. you could have used a more natural expression like " im not trying to sound corny or anything.."
But anyways, the entire dia-mono-logue is put in sucha tone..

Little action, just monologues.. Im gonna use this as a monologue exercise for me and my friend