Trapped by Steve Nazarian - Short, Horror - An old man feels threatened by the arrival of an imposing biker while crabbing in a secluded marsh. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hi Steve,

A great quick read you've got here. I really enjoyed it, and didn't really know which way this story was heading. I like to put a bit of a twist in my stories, and in my opinion, you pulled this off with confidence.

I thought the dialogue was good, too. Very naturalistic and flowing for the most part.

I did think however, the story could have ended straight after the line '...he never saw you coming. They never do'. As I see it, all the neccessary details are there for the reader to draw their own conclusions.

All in all though, mate, a great little piece.

Keep it up

Craig

Thanks so much for reading the script and your editing point!

I think you are spot on. Most of the stuff after that line is plot hole filler and really not necessary in retrospect. Plus it's always a good idea to get out as quickly as possible after a twist ending as whatever follows usually struggles to top it.

Thanks again!

Steve

No worries.

I think that with the end lopped off at that point, it would still be of adequate length for a short, it would be a nice quick read, and the sort of open ending would work better. It's only my opinion of course.

If I were you, I'd hang on a while, and see what other comments you get regarding editing it down.

All the best

Craig

I think most readers will agree with you (and now me!) It just feels right. As soon as I read your suggestion I slapped my head and said "Of course!"

Everything that follows really is procedural... we can guess what's in the other traps, we know they have to get rid of the bike, clean up the blood, etc. We can guess what's inside the cooler... I will add a line in earlier where Ray asks Charlie if there is any beer in the cooler and Charlie says it's for "Bait".

The most frequent question I kept getting from family & friends on early drafts was why they only used hands, heads & feet for bait... and really it was out of necessity to the plot. A body had to be found to be referred to earlier by Ray plus I really dug the idea of having five traps for the five body parts. It was a subtle hint. But I think Charlie saying the crabs are picky eaters really is sufficient. And now that I think of it why not just have Ray mention how a hitchiker went missing... and someone else a few months before... and let the reader come to their own conclusions about what parts are used?

The only thing I *do* want to save from the long ending is when Matilda says she missed being on the bridge... but I can move that to their exchange after she kills Ray. I also am partial to the final image of Ray's head in the trap with crabs approaching .. even though the line about worrying about his toes is an aside to the reader and never seen on screen. So I might do a SPLASH! after last line and cut to Ray's head in the trap coming to a rest on the stream floor.

I noticed a slugline fix needed where I put INT. WOODEN BRIDGE (everything should be exterior) and a few spelling/grammar errors as well that need to be addressed.

I will probably to do a quick polish tonight incorporating the shorter ending and any suggestions people have that might strengthen the story.

Thanks again for your time and ideas brotha!

Steve

No worries,

I'm looking forward to seeing the the updated version. PM me when you've done it if you like, and I'll have a read through it before you re-post it.

Cheers buddy


Craig

Steve

I liked this, strong dialogue, more-than-meets-the-eye characters and a devilish, unexpected (for me anyway) twist to boot.

I completely agree with Craig (and you seem to as well) that it should finish up on the bottom of page 11 once the reveal takes place. The rest are just details which I know you wanted to tell us in order to comprehensively show the full process that these two "homicidal lovebirds" go through in disposal, storage & baiting of the new body but essentially for filmic reasons its not required.

I had a similiar case with a script of mine where the climax occured at page 12 but I had it continuing for an extra three pages of expository scene and dialogue just to explain some things so to really tie up the piece so I thought in my mind. Which it did but with the cost of sacrificing whatever cineamatic punch it may have had, so I can understand why you tagged on those two extra pages, but yeah, they are definitly not necessary in this script.

I love the direction you took the meeting of Ray and Charlie, how at first we fear for the old man in the seemingly secluded company of this intimidating stranger before they reach a sort of middle ground and mutual understanding, with Ray gradually starting to admire Charlie and this curious pastime of his.

The story of the dismembered dead body being found and the mysterious laughter sounding off screen were worked in nicely come the scripts conclusion to paint the whole picture of what grizzly goings on were happening in this place.

Good job overall, interesting subject matter with the crab fishing, minimum locations and characters so it would be easy & cheap (for the most part) to shoot. Just need to find yourself a good prosthetics designer & decent actors to reallly get to the essence of the main characters and you got the makings a decent, low budget short. Well done.

Col.

This one is really good. The way you linked the dialogue with the whole story so subtly, I like that. The characters were good, the dialogue was great, the storyline was awesome.

The ending however was a bit draggy imo. I was picturing like after matilda and charlie finish the scene of them killing, the story's gonna like repeat itself all over again with the first scene, that kinda thing. But that's just me.

Overall, I love it, just maybe you can improve on the ending abit

But just a question though, is there any like significance towards using the subject of crab fishing?

Thanks Col! Glad you liked it!

It's cool you had a similar experience with your script. Kind of reminds me of the end of Psycho. I love the movie and the great reveal at the end but then there is that long scene where the doctor explains everything that happened to Norman when they really could have just cut to Norman in a cell with the creepy voiceover. The rest of the script was strong enough where the doctor's explanation was unnessary IMO.

Red--

The story was inspired by an actual crabbing trip with my mom. We were trying out a new place on Cape Cod in the middle of nowhere and she wasn't sure if she could go there by herself. We asked this harmless looking old man we ran into if it was safe and he told us he had a gun. As soon as he said that I realized that the harmless old man was actually the most dangerous thing out there. Everything in the script sort of flowed out of that "looks are deceiving" idea, right down to the sign for a gas station that isn't there. The crabbing angle was something different and led to the idea of an  old man being bait in a trap set for someone seemingly more formidable.

I just finished a revision with the shorter ending and a few other minor changes and think it reads much better now. Thanks so much for the feeback! I really appreciate it

Steve

Hey Steve, just found this one.  I love the premise and enjoyed this overall, but there are a number of nagging issues that need attention.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

First of all, I see you have already caught the incorrectly used INT on page 2.  I wonder if you also caught all the missing commas?  There were a bunch, and it made some of the read confusing for me, but I’m a stickler with that kind of stuff.

Biggest issue for me was that it seemed pretty obvious that Charlie was going to turn out to be the antag here.  I was not surprised at all.  I also “knew” that Matilda would also show up.  Not sure why it was so apparent, but I pretty much called it after the first page.

OK, let’s move onto some other things that bothered me, then we’ll get to the praise!

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m having major trouble trying to envision the setting here with the bridge.  Are they in the woods?  Is this bridge covered?  Is it a bridge that cars drive over?  Is it off the beaten track?  How far down is the water?  Most of all, how is Matilda able to hide underneath it and pop up like she does as an old lady in her 70’s?

I don’t like how you chose not to intro Charlie or Ray until page 7.  No reason for that, IMO.  Based on this, you now have an extra 2 characters show up on your character list.  I also didn’t like the continual references to “the old man” and “the biker”.  Just didn’t sound good, and adds a number of extra lines to the finished product, as well as getting very repetitious.

On page 2, Ray’s intro doesn’t make much sense, and actually had me scratching my head at first. You intro Ray as, “He is huge.  Six feet tall.  Two hundred pounds.”  6 foot, 200 pounds isn’t huge at all, actually.  6 foot isn’t that tall, and 200 pounds isn’t that heavy.  Together, they’re far from huge.  If you want to make Ray huge and formidable,  I’d recommend upping his height to at least 6’ 4”, and his weight to over 250 pounds, if not more.  There were a number of references about his size, that based on this early description, just made me laugh (like on page 3 – “The biker is so big, he blocks the sun out, casting the old man in his shadow.”).

I am not one that appreciates asides, unless they are very well done and add to the writing.  Yours did not.  Page 4 – “…was that a threat?”  No reason for this at all.  It sounds terrible and we already know exactly what Ray means by his statements.  No need for you to clue us in.  Also on page 4 – “The biker clearly has him on edge.”  No reason for this again.  In reality, it’s these kind of statements that give away your twist even more.  Page 8 – “…but not enough for Charlie to feel it.” – again, not necessary at all.  Page 11 – “We notice for the first time it is stained with blood.” – not so much an aside, but nonetheless, unnecessary, and using “we notice” just doesn’t sound good at all.  Page 12 – “…presumably containing the other missing hand and foot from the body Ray and Charlie talked about.” – Totally unnecessary and so out of place.  Page 12 – “There are only a few more crabs than when Ray looked inside it.” – Again, totally unnecessary and the reference to Ray reads terribly.

OK, a few other little issues you may have missed…Page 12 – “Ray’s hands, feet and one of his hands are missing.”  “The cooler contains Ray’s other missing hand and feet.”  “homicidal lovebirds” used in 2 sentences in a row.  Shouldn’t be used at all, IMO.

I agree with the others that you should end this earlier than you did.  It would read better, and leave us with a stronger impression.

The good news is that this is a well put together short horror story, with a good twist, good characters, and good dialogue (most of the time – I didn’t like the banter between Charlie and Ray right before the reveal, as Ray all of a sudden sounded like a completely different kind of person).  Writing is pretty well done and the pace is good as well.  It’s got a good feel and flow to it.  You’ve got a great premise here and this works overall.  I think you need to make some changes early on so that it feels like Charlie actually is in danger.  Maybe you tried too hard to make us believe…not sure, but I was not surprised at all here.  I would also recommend giving some better visuals of the initial setting.  Clean up the grammar and insert commas where needed, and you’ve got yourself a great little short!

Hope this helps.  I did enjoy this, even if it sounds like I’ve got a lot of problems with it.  I’m just a stickler for detail.

Take care.

Steve, also wanted to throw this out.  It's very possible that your title is what gave things away for me.

I haven't heard any complaints from anyone else regarding grammar, punctuation, asides, etc. which to me falls under the umbrella of writing style... so while I appreciate your concerns in these areas I do have to take them with a grain of salt. I am by no means a great writer but most people seem to enjoy my writing style. If it becomes a problem with others I certainly will try to shore these areas up!

- As far as the twist goes... well... you kind of live and die by them... especially if you have a big one at the end. Some people are better at spotting twists than others. I figured out who Keyser Soze was wayyyyy too early. Hated that movie. I had NO idea Bruce Willis was ghost. Loved that movie. I agree the title "Bait" is a dead give away. It was a major concern especially when coming up with a logline. As far as making it look like Charlie is in more danger earlier in the script... I did this in earlier drafts and received consistent feedback that making Ray too sinister made the twist easier to spot. As far as Matilda showing up I'm not sure I can hide herany more than I did without doing some serious cheating. I don't want to have Charlie lie about her being dead. I like how it's left open, like when he mentions the deputy coming to his house and asking if "we" saw anything suspicious. The idea is for the reader to assume she's dead. If you have any pointers to strengthen things in that department I'd be happy to hear them.

Overall, regarding the twist, I would say maybe 25% of the people I've shown the script to saw it coming a little too soon, which really for me is a livable number. It's impossible to come up with something no one sees coming that still is enjoyable. Unfortunately for those that figure things out too quickly... they are simply not going to enjoy the story as much, or at all. And when you don't enjoy a story all of the story's little problems become magnified.

- You bring up a great point about the Ray's size.  I actually may just lose the physical dimensions entirely.  "He's huge" really is all that is necessary. Ray's exact height and weight is not relevant to the script.

- The bridge is a wooden bridge in a saltwater marsh in the middle of nowhere that is obviously high enough for a stream to run underneath it. I'm not sure any more description is necessary...? Does it matter if it's covered? Or if a car can drive over it? Most bridges are high enough for someone to hide under, especially if you are in the water. I envisioned her sitting on the rock pile under the bridge on either side (the Cape is littered with bridges like these). Maybe I'll add the rock pile into the description or perhaps I'll have Matilda soaking wet from the waist down on her reveal? That would certainly make the visual of her more creepy! As far as Matilda being able to do what she did it's in the script... she's so quiet you don't know she's there. Again the whole point of the script is that looks can be deceiving. You pay a price for assuming.

- Introducing Charlie and Ray late is an easy fix if you really think it would make the script read better, though I don't get what you mean about "having an extra 2 characters show up on my character list"?

- What the heck is wrong with "homicidal lovebirds"?

- Lastly, Ray sounding like a different person is kind of part of his arc... he starts off as a big bad biker but as he lets his guard down with Charlie we see he's really a bit of a softy, almost playful. The same could be said about Charlie's dialogue before the reveal. He's more animated and sinister as the real Charlie leaks through. Another one for the jury I guess?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read the script and offer your insight and suggestions Dreamscale. I obviously don't agree with a lot of them but it's always good to get a different point of view and I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind on future scripts!

Steve

I think the revised title and logline below might make the twist a little less easier to spot... What do you all think?


TRAPPED

An old man is harassed by a biker while crabbing off of a secluded bridge.


"Trapped" is close to the same double meaning that comes with "Bait". We think it's about an old man being trapped on a bridge by a biker but it's really the biker walking into a trap. And "Trapped" also has to do with the story, i.e. the old man using traps to catch crabs.

Hey Steve, I'm Jeff, BTW.

As far as your grammar, I didn't have any problems at all, that I remember.  It was the ommission of many, many commas, that I was referring to.  Very often, when I review a script, I do a page by page "edit".  With the OWC deadline looming, I didn't have time.  I'm a grammar stickler, so understand that what I'm referring to are most likley things that most aren't going to see or catch...or give a shit about!

In tems of the bridge description, what I was referring to is that it sounds like a bridge that cars travel on, yet you stated that Charlie's cooler and net were right in the middle.  I just couldn't get a clear visual, and that's probably just me.  Same deal with Matilda being able to climb up so easily.

As to the "extra 2 characters" in your character list, I mean that when you "name" a character by using dialogue, your software will "remember" them.  So, in this case, you have both "old man" and "Charlie" for Charlie, and "Biker" and "Ray" for Ray. I always say that if a character has a name, use it immediately...intro the character as their name, as appossed to using something like "a man", or whatever.  It doesn't matter when you "intro" them in terms of another character speaking their name (so you'd know it in a filmed version).  If this were being filmed, your character list would show 2 different names for your 2 main characters, and could be confusing (in a short like this, no big deal), so I was just trying to let you know that it's not something you want to get in the habit of doing.

Don't get me wrong, I did like this, and I did enjoy it as well.  Twists are hit and miss, as you said.  Whether or not I saw it coming, doesn't matter, cause for as many times as I've  said "I know what's goiing to happen" in a movie, it's hit and miss whether or not I was actually right.

Good job with this!  Looking forward to more of your work.

This is great. I love the desciptoion of the frail old man, dressed in his Sunday best and his character - he seems calm while under threat of the menacing biker, before it all switches around.
Loved too that his mention of Matilda makes it seem that she might have passed and yet has this ghostly presence because he misses her so much. And then the bait. Terrific.
Not much to add except well done.

best,

H

Thanks H!

Jeff-- glad you liked it and believe me I'm not offended. I know these things can really take some people out of a story. I'm aware of all of the rules and try hard not to break them but I've also read at least 500 produced scripts and almost all of them have their share of spelling & grammar mistakes, personal asides, camera directions, formatting issues, etc. Doesn't make it right but I do believe we have a little wiggle room as writers. I think if the story is compelling and used in moderation most readers will look past them. At least readers have so far for me because I consider myself pretty average when it comes to the actual nuts and bolts of writing.

Thanks so much for explaining what you meant about the characters. I understand now and do think the script will read better if I just name the characters up front. I also will try to shore up the opening description to set the scene better. It IS only one location so I really should try to paint the picture as clearly as possible! I think it's one of those deals where I grew up around these types of bridges and just assume everyone will know what I'm talking about. And again I love the visual of a dripping Matilda helping to show how she was able to hide.

I really do value your input and everyone else's. I think the script is already much stronger because of it. Thanks again!

Steve