Sam I Am (was Boomerang) by John C -  - When Sam is forced to move in back home after losing her job, her apartment, and breaking up with her fiance, she finds that things are not the same as she remembered. 4 parts of a web series I'm trying to get made.  22 pages - pdf, format

UPDATED:  it's a 6 part series, 40 pages total.

Part 1: Mom's new boyfriend. (5 pages)

Part 2: New Job. (6 pages)

Part 3: Rejection. (4 pages)

Part 4: Just say No. (7 pages)

Part 5: Girl's night out. (8 pages)

Part 6: Reflections. (8 pages)

John...

Nice littile piece you got here.  I thought it was well written and your dialogue was pretty good.  

I enjoyed your character Sam, you set her up rather nicely but the other charatcers I thought you did a good job with them as well.

Yes, some people will have a problem with all the VOICE OVERS, but I see what you are going for... you used them well, here.  

You talk about a webseries, who knows, maybe down the road, you can expand it, then try and pitch this as a new show.  Something to think about.

I really enoyed your script here, so keep up the good work.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter 22

Thanks for taking the time to read it. And I agree that voiceovers can be a problem, but I didn't see any way around it. I tried to make it as low budget and easy to film as possible, so V.O. was the only way to go in some cases. I was hoping that incorporating the voiceovers as journal entries would make sense and fit into the story.

I did try and keep it pilot length so that once filmed, it could be presented as a sitcom pilot. When I began writing, I thought I had someone who was interested in making it, but that's looking less and less likely, so now I'm going to put it out there and find a filmmaker who's interested.

Funny stuff so far, I'm liking it.
I like calling the character ‘Mock Hopper’.  It’s got a nice ring to it.
‘total system failure that is my life’  good stuff.
Why does Debbie have her laptop out while shes at work?
The angie dialogue ends up being a little trite/cliché.  Might be nice to have one last little joke before switching scenes, just to keep it from being too heavy.  Even if its just her asking if sams going to finish her muffin or something.

Got as far as her mom smoking, gotta go pretend to work.  I'll finish later, but so far it's pretty consistently funny, Sammy is a pretty sympathetic character, especially right now.
I think the VO will be okay, it kinda reads like sex and the city style, even if the storys just about the polar opposite.

And the rest of it...

The daughter acting as mom gets tired just a bit before she calls her dad.  Think you might have stretched it a tad further than it wanted to go.  Not very believable that shed follow her mom to the club.
In these second ones I think you could lose some voiceovers.  Like the park scene after she talks to her dad, why do you need the VO scene before you start?  Just start with her sitting across from angie with that dialogue, thatll explain everything.
Not sure how the second boys username will work in dialogue when people cant see how its spelled.  It's kinda  a text based joke.
Definately think Sammy should at least have a glimmer of her own life, even if its just a crush on some man she kinda knows, or something.  Otherwise its kinda pathetic how much she just follows her mother around.
The whole summing up VOs and such at the end were pretty weak.  I think you should be ending with a funny bit, not a summing up slow and meaningful bit.
I liked the character from the beginning, but definately lost interest as the story became purely about her mother.  That just makes the protagonist seem kinda sad and boring.
The flashbacks are also less than interesting, they dont really reveal anything necessary to the story, other than 'life wasnt that great before'.  Not exactly a revelation.
I would add some subplot in there, something that builds on Sammy's character instead of just her revolving around her mom.  Maybe Harv/one of Moms friends has a cute son, or she's still actively looking for work in addition to trying to mother her mother.

Like I said the characters are good, it well written, I would just rethink where you want the focus of the story to be.

Jackx, thanks very much for your feedback! I especially appreciate the comments on what doesn't work. I'll definitely take them into consideration when I launch into a rewrite. And you were on the mark with many of the simple fixes needed (i.e. reworking the text-based joke, cutting directly from when she calls her dad to meeting with Angie, etc.) The larger problems you point to are trickier to deal with. I approached this as a sit-com length pilot, so the main focus was on her relationship with her mother, so re-working this might require some major changes. But I appreciate your observations, and you've given me much to mull over.  

Thanks again, all your comments!