A Very Simple Halloween Down Under by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Short, Comedy - Some of the SS crew head to Australia for Halloween. The party begins but something evil has followed. The killing begins...who will live and who will die? 42 pages pdf  - pdf, format

Not bad Stevie.

I found it amusing, not laugh-out-loud funny, but it made me smile.  It seemed a bit longer than it really should have been.  Would have been interesting to see it crammed into an OWC entry - which is how I suppose it started.  

I thought the SVEN/ROB thing was amusing.  And I thought you had Tommy down pat. I think you took a good try at making the ending surprising.  Did he read it?  Did Bert read it?

I would have liked to have seen more of Pia and Sandra - I thought you kind of skimmed over their characters.

And what a fantastic idea for an OWC.  I'm going to get right on pushing that for the next challenge.

Good work.

Cheers,

Michael

Hi Michael, thanks for the comments.
Yeah, this was inspired by the family only theme for the Halloween OWC. Once the idea came to me, it took off as usual.
It actually came out shorter than I thought it would be. I didn't use some stuff.
It was sort of tough keeping track of who was saying what - i didn't want tooo many characters not saying anything for too long (does that make sense?)

Um, everyone in it except Bert has read it before posting. I thought about contacting him but wanted to maybe have someone get a surprise (sorry bert!).
Pia and Sandra, yeah, it was hard as I don't know them as well as Jeff, tommy and rob.
anyway, glad you liked it - i had a ball writing it.

PS- are you serious about an Xmas challenge using my 'idea'? The troops will rebel!!

Yuh know...

What I enjoyed about this, is:

I could really see us flying out and doing this. Minus the killing of course, which would be entirely in our "simply scriptly heads" and I think THAT would be fun to work on to the screen.

It might seem strange, but I think of my "extended family" all of the time and when I travel, it's no different.

What I've found is that when I've been on planes and working my way through airports, I feel very unsettled. This winter, when I head to Barcelona and onward, I would really like to dig deep and connect with everyone here on an even deeper level. If I can do that, my trip will have been a success.

To me, it's not so much the places I go, but the souls I meet up with that matter.

Thank you Steve!!!!!!

Pia and I may have died in bed together, but I think we will have died engaged in life and happy-- and most certainly, in the end-- laughing.

To die laughing. Well THAT is a great goal. With complete verisimilitude we say:

Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me!

Cheers Sandra. I love telling jokes and making my kids laugh. I've always had a good sense of humour.
Glad you enjoyed it!


I forgot to thank Don for posting. Cheers mate. You are a bonza bloke.

Quoted from mcornetto I would have liked to have seen more of Pia and Sandra - I thought you kind of skimmed over their characters.

Like I told you, Stevie, I wouldn't mind a Pia-Sandra shower scene somewhere in there. That would have been pretty damn cool. And Sandra should definitely have done one of her wonderful monologues about...whatever.

So you divorced the wifey for us. Talk about taking one for the team. There were som truely hilarious scenes in there. But what's up with Sven? I speek veri veri gut englisch, doot. Sven's a Swedish name btw. Seriously, I love the scene where I die and he shouts it out for me.

The deaths (Jeff and Bert's) were absolutely friggin' hilarious. Loved how Jeff mistook Austria for Australia.

Oh, and Jeff would probably say "ass" instead of "arse".

The end with Don was maybe a bit heavy in the exposition department but I liked how you took a piss on it.

Good stuff, mate.

Cheers
Rob

Stevie!  You're a frickin' genius!  I did find this laugh out loud hilarious pretty much all the way through, on each and every single page.  And I rarely if ever find things that try to be funny, actually funny.  You suceeded here, buddy.

Nice work.  I did not read this posted version, as I assume it's just an edited version of what I read earlier.  If it has changed, let me know and I'll give this new version a read.

Rob is right...I would say "ass" not "arse".  Also, I agree with him that a Sandra monologue on something really wierd and wild would be so at home and hilarious.

Funny stuff for sure!

Quoted from AVSHDU Another one of your silly ideas? Just like that ’Lord of the Rings’ script you did.

I like a man who does a bit of self depreciation. God knows there ain't enough of that about.
Alright Stevie lad, how's things?

Spot on there by the way, in more ways than one.

Now then, caught my eye this, haven't read one of these before as I didn't who was when and how but I figured I do now so here we go.

Quoted from AVSHDU Talented drunks. Talented porn addicts. Talented drug addicts.

You talking about me again McDonell? Watch it....

I'll minimise quoting now so as not to spoil it for other folk. Nice disclaimer too by the way.

Just to get serious for a mo you'd need to break up all that dialogue with just the odd action line. Standards are standards my lad, even if we are in Sillyland.

God, your wife sounds like a right ballbreaker!

And, if she did that to you I very much doubt you'd be thinking of writing.

Welcome to Sillyland...! One of my favourite places. I won't tell you my favourite place. Not today anyway. Gotta a nice sounding name. Stop it!

Ah, I see when you're alone we have the same habits. Really must return them to that Nunnery one day. Granville.... Yes boss? Sorry, raving now. Probably cos I'm laughing.

Ah I see I didn't make it over. Probably just as well for everyone methinks.

Hey I know Don's the man but I'm sure he can feel your tongue right at the back of his trousers. Behave. Share the grief around lad.

Now then. Feels more amusing than laugh out loud. You've given 'em some interesting characteristics and there was a good bit of conflict earlier on but it's gonna be a bunch of buddies drinking. And that's not much fun to watch. Not unless there's lots of swearing and conflict.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of very funny stuff in here. It just needs pepping up and polishing a bit in my humble.

I think Sven worked out the best so far (14 pages in).

Just had a look through the other comments to see if I was way off the mark.

Quoted from Rob Like I told you, Stevie, I wouldn't mind a Pia-Sandra shower scene somewhere in there. That would have been pretty damn cool. And Sandra should definitely have done one of her wonderful monologues about...whatever.

Er.... Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Wouldn't it have been hot, not cool?

But he's right. Sandra could have made a wonderfully bizarre speech.

Quoted from Sandra To die laughing. Well THAT is a great goal. With complete verisimilitude we say: Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me!

I think that proves my point. Pure gold...

And I'd agree when they say this type of thing is perfect for the OWC. Must bear that in mind sometime.

Quoted from Stevie in AVSHDU True! Then, later, we can get a cab to The Pacific Pines Tavern. They have a disco on.

A disco! God it's just like Ireland. You too are permanently stuck in the 1980s. Don't forget the pegs and the frilly shirt now "Oh to cut a long story short I lost my ...." Bless.

Now then. Picks up at page 20. Which is just well. Hey rich coming from the guy who wrote 'Four Things" I know....

Oooh, that was a bit rough with the first one Stevie! Bloody hell.

Ooooooh. The second doesn't make it any easier either. Stevie lad, do you need to chat? Let something out?

Er sorry. Even in Sillyland and I'm not buying that disco plan. You wouldn't get away with that even in the 80s lad.

Quoted from Stevie in AVSHDU Only if I want to write a crappy script.

Hmmm. I see the other SSers in the script let that one go. I doubt they would in real life Stevie!

And after the first two Stevie, the next two are frankly sexist you traitor.

Quoted from AVSHDU They are seated on the grass

Good job L C didn't show up. She'd have killed you herself for that one.

Ah, page 31. You redeem yourself sir.

Bloody hell Stevie. Have you been watching those early Bond movies...

Quoted from every 60s & 70s Bond villian Ah Mr. Bond. Martini, shaken not stirred yes? Please allow me to tell you the whole of my dastardly plan in intimate detail for about six pages or so. Meanwhile, you can look enigmatic and then declare me mad. And then, no doubt, I shall do my devilish mad laugh just before you make your escape....

Quoted from AVSHDU Oh, please. Spare me the wankfest.

Sorry, I know I can often be rather a base creature at times, but I really did laugh out loud for quite some time at that. Best line so far bar none. Very funny. And immaculately timed.

Quoted from AVSHDU a single icy tear on their cheeks

Bloody hell Stevie lad, now you're getting very good indeed.

Okay. Summary. Some great ideas. And you're quite a brave man. As has been said the girls we're used enough. What? Er, I mean in the best possible way. Oh right.

Bit long for the ideas. Needs trimming and polishing. It's slim on typos and errors but it needs a bit of a rewriet in my humble. Then it would start getting really good.

One thing I will say for Gervais is that he knows how to make himself the victim of most of the jokes in his stuff. It's one of the reasons people like him so much. You went a bit easy on yourself Stevie. If you'd have carried on the way you did at the start to your own character it woulda been a winner.

Sorry, just read all that and it seems a bit harsh. Truth is I did laugh quite a few times and I did a lot of smiling. And it was a good idea. And it had some great lines and some great ideas. So there! Good work fella.

RV

Stevie,

This was some good shit! .

A couple of comments:

The SS crew will like this. Thanks for sharing.

It was page 20 or so before the story had it's first horror scene.

A chuckle every page or two. I esp. liked the "mind typo."  

My favorite character was Sven - a real scene stealer.

A bit more about Pia and Sandra would have been awesome.

I would have loved to see Baltis in the mix.  

** SPOILER **
I'll never get the vision out of my head of Tommy hovering around your backside... even if he was a bat.

Great imagination and humor!

Gary

Hi guys, thanks for the read and comments!
Cheers Rob! You're a good sport and an even better target!!
Just quickly, Jeff, yeah this is the same one I sent you - just fixed up the errors. Re: arse and ass, that's just the different nationality speaking there. Funny that.

RV, trust me, I tried to fit you in there! But there was enough drunks already. Maybe in the next one, when I 'know' you better. HAHA. Thanks for th einsights, always appreciated. There was a lot of dialogue and minimal action but that's my go - I'm into the talking stuff. Hopefully the 6 week challenge can sprout the action in me!!
Gary, cheers and happy you liked it.

A few people have mentioned the Rob/ Sven thing has their fave bit - i have to admit it is probably mine too. I wanted something different for Rob and when i thought of the interpreter thing, the options for more funny stuff practically wrote itself.

now its back to the 6 weekie.

Quoted from stevie RV, trust me, I tried to fit you in there! But there was enough drunks already.

I BEG your pardon young man? Granville!
Yes boss?
Fetch my big rod!
The really big one boss? You sure?
Just do it you little turd!
Yes boss! Sorry boss!

Jesus. I really must stay away from the toilet cleaner. She get's frisky.

RV

p.s. You cheeky barstard!

Yeah I gave this a read.  

Man this script is hyperactive, with ideas and gags fired off like bullets from a machine gun.

Thankfully most of your gags work and your ideas are brillant.  Rob and Sven was a highlight. So to are people who die with an object shoved up their ass (arse?)

The dialouge exchange between the characters was funny and enjoyable to read. But as with most of your works the talk flows freely and blocks the flow of your story.

You had a good story here with Don's fiendish plot to screw every writer who uses SS, but the excessive dialouge padded your story out bigger then what it need to be.


This is a big improvement from your previous works but you still need to find that balance between dialouge and movement of plot.

These Simply Script parodies look like a lot of fun to write but it must hard trying to capture a real persons personality when we all only get to know them as a bit of text on a website.


  

Cheers Glenn, thanks for the read.
Yeah, it neded up a bit long. I write by hand first in a notebook and the page number can be deceiving when you put it on the computer. I cut some stuff which would've made it longer.
I still do have trouble mixing my dialogue and action. I can just ramble for pages with the characters talking but it does get tiresome to read. I'm aiming to fix that in the 6 week challenge, by having a blend of action, comedy and whatever else gets in there.

Stevie, as I said to you in my other emails, this script is hilarious. I laughed out loud many times throughout.

As others have said... it get's a bit too long, and you haven't captured some of the characters here on SS, but you have done a bloody good job overall.

I feel honoured that my part is so big

So a quick rewrite would be the next step... try and cut out 5 pages or so, and BAM, it will be more awesome than it is now.

Cheers

Hi Tommy, cheers man!

You know, at times while writing this, I thought, jeez, poor old Tommy is copping all the shit! I sort of was easy on myself. But isn't that writers's discretion?!  Haha...

Yeah, it was a bit long in the end. Could've been longer but i cut some scenes. Glad you liked it!

PS - all of us males are honoured our parts are big...