Siskiyou Pines by Sarah E. Y. Miller - Western - Jane, a recent widow, struggles to keep her family and ranch together in 1880s Southern Oregon. 90 pages - pdf, format

Sarah...

Page#1, your first slugline-- "1882,"  I'd make it a SUPER: 1882, looks cleaner.  Your first actionline alone passive verbiage.  Take the passage below...

She's mid thirties, was pretty once but has been worn by hardwork and weather.  "Was and has been."  passive verbiage.   Try to stay away from this.  You mentioned was pretty once... so is she ugly now?  The way it's written, hard to film this, maybe if you mention something about her hands, whether there rough or she moves slow, something along those lines.  Or more less show us.

But then again, a good director could bring it out on screen as is though.

At the end of that first actionline, you have this passage...

"She pauses to scan the horizon after hanging every piece on the line."  Then the start of your next actionline...

"She hangs the last piece of the wash and scans the horizon."  Some will find this confusing not too mention repititive and also passive.  Scripts are written in, "present tense."

I'd strike out the whole first sentence in your second actionline and just go with the very next line which is...

She sees a trail of dust heading her way.  She grabs her shotgun. (Only I'd re-do that also)
She turns, notices a trail of dust, grabs a shotgun.

As far as the former line, I'd get rid of that one all together.

When you first introduce her son Daniel, give him an age.  You don't do that.  I'd also give Mr. Caufield a first name and also an age.  Besides that, give us a visual of what they look like as well.

Begins, starts, didn't see any on your first page which is good.  But you have lots of words that end in "ing."  Passive.  The problem with things like this, you end up having to throw in more word then what is necessary, makes things a little too word and cluttered.  Take this for instance.

"Jane finally lowers the gun before crumpling to the ground sobbing."  Could you get away with it, yes.  I've seen lots of scripts, major scripts riddled with things like that.

You have alot of this going on, though.  Personally, I try to avoid them much as possible.

Jane lowers the gun, crumples to the ground and sobs.  If I had wrote this script, the line would have read like that.

I read up to page 47.  You have more of the same but I'm not going to beat that into the ground.  I was interested in seeing if you had a story here and you do.  Especially, your main character Jane.  

She's a strong character and I believe you captured her well.  Unfortunately, a lot of scripts lack strong female charaters on this board and in Hollywood.  There needs to be more.

Page#4, your first slugline, it looks bad.  I'd just make the "FOUR DAYS BEFORE,"  SUPER:  Four days before.  And i'd loose the EARLY MORNING in that slugline as well.  Just go with MORNING.  If it's important that it need to be early, then mention it in the proceeding actionline... "early or wee hours of the morning."  Just a few examples.

Unfortunately, Westerns isn't a popular genre here, so the lack of responses is also do to that besides the writing.

Other then that, I'm not going to go any further with a complete detail breakdown of this, unless you re-appear.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter

Ghostwriter22 thanks for for reading and commenting on Siskiyou Pines. As you might guess this is the first completed Screenplay of mine.  I welcome you advice.

Sarah...

Your welcome.  It's good, you completed the screenplay.  Lots of writers can't do it.  Put a full story together.  You can tell a story.  Give me a few days, to finish the rest of your script.

Everybody writes different and you have your own style.  If it works for you don't change it.  Read more scripts around here, get a feel, and a few screenwriting books will help too.

You have the formatting down, just work on telling your story.  We've all been there and all of our writing can be better.

Hopefully more will give you feedback as well.  And welcome to SS.

Ghostwriter

Okay, Sarah... I finished "Siskiyou Pines"

As I thought your character Sarah was strong.  We need more female characters like her in movies.  I thought things came too easy in this.  Maybe if you had thrown in something to make it more difficult for Jane to come up with the money to help payoff the Ranch.

The investigation into the barn fire with the bottles, I thought that was good and it lends more credibility to your story.   Also, maybe you can expand more on the relationship between Jane and Jonas.

I was disappointed with your handling of Hendricks.  You let your antagonist off too easy.  You introduced him right away and that was good.  The ending was just what I expected.

Your writing got better after page 50, still a few problems but not as much as in the beginning.  Take page#52 for instance... For the most part, when you go back and re-write the script, keep that page in mind, then compare it to the begining of your script.  Make it sort of like a template.

Passage from your script...

Thomas turns his horse and gallops in the direction of the house.  Jane smiles and follows after him at a less break neck speed.  (I'd take out and, then maybe re-word at a less break neck speed)

Page#65 a few unfilmables, not to mention it reads like a novel.  Not good.  I re-wrote it and edited it here.  Either or, you'll have to find a better way to get all that across.   Below...  I took out what you don't really need.

Jane fills the trough with water and grabs a bucket and starts to wet down the sides of the house, knowing there is nothing she can do about the barn.  Henry saves what he can from the barn but it wont be much.  She must now make sure the fire doesn't jump from the barn to the house.

The big thing I feel with your writing is this...  You just need to get rid of a few words in the actionlines to make them flow better. If you go back and re-read, you usually can spot them right away.

When I do re-writes, after I complete a feature.  I set aside two weeks, set a limit, example: 10 pages a day or every other day and just re-do those only.  Read them again, figure out how can I make this flow better.   If it don't make sense to me, it won't make since to them.

Just a suggestion.  However you do it, take your time and try to remember, stay in present "tense" as much as possible.

Page 58 and 63, your wrylies.  Rule of thumb, if it's more then three words...  pg58 (Doing a perfect impression of Mrs. Marrow).  I'd make that an actionline.  Same on page#63.

I thought your FLASHBACKS were okay, but I would have done them differently.  Your dialogue was good for the most part.    

CUT TO-- DISSOLVES-- you don't really need those things.  I'd remove them.

Overall, everything just came to easy, I thought.  Not too much action but some very good characters.  Not really my kind of western but despite having said everything, I liked this for the most part.

The good thing is you completed your first screenplay, something that isn't easy to do.  The problem now is just doing re-writes.  See how you can improve.  Not to get it perfect, just through the door.  (if that's what your after)  And more feedback because I'm sure I might have missed something.  

Good Luck too you...

Ghostwriter

Thank you, Ghostwriter, for taking the time to give me feedback. I will be doing a revision of this. The most frustrating thing I've encountered is writing without knowing what I'm doing right and where I need work. It means a lot to me just to know that someone not in my family or circle of close friends has actually read what I've written.

I will admit trying to find tension and drama in the whole money for the ranch thing was a major struggle. (I really like writing chatracters and making them talk doing stuff is harder.)

Sarah...

Writing isn't easy by no means for some.  Trying to write a good if not great script takes time.  Nothing you can learn overnight.  All writers, especially the ones who have the passion in them.  You have that passion in your writing.

Having said, that...  You got the format, so you must have learned it somewhere?  You told your story, now just spend the time making it better.  (re-writes).  Listen to the feedback you get.

Everyone writes different, just spend more time on the site, read some scripts, them read some of the comments.  It does help.  The more you spend time on the site, more members will offer you feedback.

Denny Laine's, How not to write a screenplay, is what I and some others recommend.  Not even expensive, heck, even try to "Google" it.   This will help you out a great deal.  Trust me.

Don't get discouraged, it's a learning progress, and the more you do it, the better your going to get.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter22