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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Living With The Beast Moderators: bert
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  Author    Living With The Beast  (currently 2507 views)
Don
Posted: November 21st, 2009, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Living With The Beast by Malcolm McKenzie (malcom3) - Series, Thriller - Thirteen years into a life sentence, Mark Williams, a rapist and murderer is given a second chance. 22 pages - pdf, format


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malcolm3
Posted: November 21st, 2009, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, so my Log really sucks on this one.

This was a feature my first time out of the gate around six months ago. I made a total hash of it. People either loved it or hated it. Its been resting in a shallow grave in the garden ever since untill some fool suggested a rewrite.

Anyway, where to go next - if at all.

My intention is to turn it into a short series dealing with the victims of serious offences. I.e Rape, Murder, Etc. If you don't work it out from the script and I'm hoping you will, Millie is a novice Nun working in the community.

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malcolm3  -  November 22nd, 2009, 4:31am
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alffy
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Malcolm, well it took me a while to find this...I thought it was a feature lol.

Your first SUPER is strange, you include the place, the day and the year but bot the date.  If you're going to include a specific day and year I'd include the date.

I have a few issues with your first scene.  You indicate that's it in the house but your characters move around various rooms without a change in location and at one point Brian goes upstairs for a few moments and then returns.  In this time nothing happens, so do Charlotte and Marie just stand about?  My preference would be to have the scene in the kitchen and have Brian leave and return, we don't need to know exactely where he's been.  You switch locations much better later in the script.

You don't need to capitalise Boyatt and Prichard's names in Michael's dialogue.

I really like the way you describe the settings/locations.  Outside the restaurant is a particulaly good example.

If we can see the TV, then we need descriptions of the Newsreader and Sally.  But I gather as they're V.O's wee can't see them right?

The dream sequences are good, I like them.

Is Mr Brown's description suppose to say bolding or balding?

When Anne places her items on the counter at the warehouse the checkout girl says 'doing a spot of DIY'?  Doing a spot of murder is what sprank to my mind lol.

page 18 Anne says 'oh know you don't.  Should be 'oh no you don't.

I like this but have a few questions.  So this was a feature first, I wonder what was taken out?  As it's now a series, are there more episodes around this story?  I would like to have known a bit more about what Mark actually did and maybe why?  Not knowning anything about his background it's hard to see the change in his character now he's repented.  I know it's wrong but I couldn't help but feel a sorry for Mark but also for Anne too, this I think is what you were hoping to achieve.  

At the moment the story is a little thin, perhaps because you've trimmed it for a 23 minute episode.  I'd be interested to see further episodes and how they tie in, if they do?  You have a few slugline problems early on but you seemed to iron them out later.  Overall, this was a pretty good effort.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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malcolm3
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thank's for that Alffy, I owe you one.
Thank's for correcting the typo's etc. Doh! Always enbarrasing.
As to your summation; you hit the nail right on the head. When I decided to try and turn this into a series - somewhere along the lines of High Way to Heaven, but a bit more realistic and absolutely no angels; I didn't want to give away too much too soon. Rather, build on the characters episode by episode. Each episode will contain a central story along with a continuing sub-plot of Mark and his journey to try and find salvation. Anne will be used throughout as his anchor, or cross to bare, so to speak.
There are also 17 pages on the end of this one, that gives the transition from one story to the next one. They were unnecessary for the information I'm looking for at the moment and I know you guys are tied up with the 7 week challenge, so I left them out.

The other thing I'm worried about - Dream Sequences, Flashbacks, visions, all in a very short space of time. Did I get away with it?

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malcolm3  -  November 22nd, 2009, 1:57pm
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alffy
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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I actually thought the dream sequences, flashbacks and visions worked well.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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malcolm3

Okay, Alffy hit on alot of things.  Do your flashbacks and dreamsequences work for the most part yes.  But this is a series right?, you can do just as good if you let everything playout from beginning.  Or I could be missing the point all together.

I might have left it open, whether Mark actually did it or not.  Not reveal too much, you know cliff hanger, more suspense.  Leave us guessing.  But you seem to know where your going to take this.

Page#3 are stood ect... don't read right.

Page#4, you can get rid of the beat because you don't really need it and if you do leave it, then move it over to the left

Page#13, WORKSHOP#1 I think you may have described it too much, but I went back and read the scene again.  I know her revenge takes place there, soI guess it will work.

You did well with your characters and for the most part your writing was good with this little piece.   It's a sad and tragic story and I hate those things.  It will be interesting to see what you do with the rest of the series.

Watch some of the spelling.

Good stuff and good luck

Ghostwriter


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malcolm3
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Ghostwriter22,
Thank's a lot for that. To take up a couple of your points: in the original feature of this Mark was indeed inocent. However, for one reason or another the feature didn't work as a whole. Some of the critique was that it was too complicated, the others were it wasn't complicated enough. In the end I just scrapped the whole idea.

As to where I'm going with it. Mark is going to try and right wrongs and if he can't goes down the road of an avenging angel type character.

I owe you one. THANK'S
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NJDevil
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Malcolm,

Finished reading this as promised. The story flowed well, and seemed to fit the requisite time frame for a series. Compelling characters and plot, and a nice open-ended hook for episode 2. Good job so far!

There are some things I found that could use a bit of tweaking:

Alffy beat me to it with regards to the action in the first scene (date, movements, etc.). Right off the bat, I think the INT. THE HOUSE - EVENING  should be in two different places:

HALLWAY - Charlotte adjusts herself in the mirror.

KITCHEN - Her parents clean up. Charlotte enters.

I also wondered why you capitalized names within the dialogue. And I noticed a few typos, most of which have been pointed out. I can PM those to you if you wish. (It's my specialty)

Loved Michael's line at the top of page 3.

On pg. 5 you repeat Mark's physical description. I understand it's a flashback, but it didn't sit right with me that he was "powerfully built" and then two lines down he was "strong and good looking" Then again I have no experience with flashback scenes, so maybe you do need to describe it twice.

Also, INT. THE CAR - EVENING

I'd add (parked) to that, (or Idling, etc.)

Anne's dialogue seems a bit too precise in spots, but that's been a huge critsism of my story, so maybe I'm just overly sensitive to that. It's probably fine.

Personal preference here, but on p.17, where Anne shows Mark her bloody hand and says "...I've bruised my knuckles and broken a nail..." you could put that in the description; make it a "show" instead of a "tell"

Ghostwriter had a good point about the workshop's description. It is excessive. if you do leave it in, at least break it up a bit.

Other than that, everything seemed to work well. Good luck with it, and I look forward to Episode 2!

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
malcolm3  -  November 22nd, 2009, 9:34pm
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malcolm3
Posted: November 23rd, 2009, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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NJ.
As always, a big thank's for the read - appreciated!
Picking up a few of your points. I was well aware of the opening slug myself I.E HALLWAY - KITCHEN and in fact, in my first draft of this, they were written in there. Because they seemed to break up the opening lines I removed them. However, it does look like I was wrong.

Repeating Michael's discription was very deliberate. 13 years in MAX-SEC is going to change you radically.

The INT. CAR scene, I take on board but I usually use INT. CAR - MOVING - when I change and have always thought that was enough. But you may be right.

Anne's dialogue - she is an adminastrator who comes from a reasonable family background, who then goes on to become her own boss - more episodes - so...

The description of the workshop caused me no end of problems, particularly the 1st floor. Yes they are lengthy but because you have the bathroom scene and later on a scene in the front room and kitchen - NOT SHOWN in this episode - it just seemed a good way of getting it out the way. I will have another look.

Thank's a lot NJ.
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NJDevil
Posted: November 23rd, 2009, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from malcolm3

Repeating Michael's discription was very deliberate. 13 years in MAX-SEC is going to change you radically.


I figured as much, just couldn't think of a way to note the change in his appearance, especially since it happens in reverse order. Eh, I'm probably overthinking. Same thing with Anne. I'll see where it ends up in the next ep.


Quoted from malcolm3

Each episode will contain a central story along with a continuing sub-plot of Mark and his journey to try and find salvation.


So Mark is the anchor here, and each episode will focus on someone who has been affected by his actions? Or will you stay with Anne/Charlotte for a "season" and then move to another "victim"? Lots of ways you could go with this. Guess we'll find out soon enough!
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Scoob
Posted: November 23rd, 2009, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Malcolm,

Interesting story, well paced. I liked the subject matter, sister seeking revenge, and I thought you did a good job with Mark and him somewhat doing a 180 from killer to saint in a bid to repent. So character wise, I think you have some really interesting ideas to explore here with their backgrounds.

This was short so you had a lot to cram into 22 pages so I'll give you a lot of credit because I think you accomplished that. You showed us everything we needed to know.
There were some nice descriptions that were kept at a minimum, had no problem "seeing" anything. I'll echo Alffy when I say I liked the way you described the restaraunt shot.
Writing wise, I think it is good and solid but maybe there are a couple of sentences that could be less passive. I'm always suffering this problem myself.
The dialouge is really difficult to be overally critical of because you just dont have the time/space to go beyond writing more than what you need. ( Hope that makes sense?).

I only found out what you meant by writing a series after the end of this, I didnt catch on that you meant you were going to write a different story with each entry. I like that idea a great deal and look forward to reading some more.

Good job!



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malcolm3
Posted: November 23rd, 2009, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Scoob,
Thank you very much for your critique, always appreciated.
You will note from my first post concerning this, that I used the line - Where to go next - if at all. The reason... I buried it and moved on. I don't know why but it seemed to hit a note with some and others hated it. I put it up on SS to get some honest critique, just to see if the damn thing is worth the effort.

I know where to go with it - just not sure if I should.
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Scoob
Posted: November 23rd, 2009, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Malc,

I would read another, I really like the idea. I would be interested in seeing what you work with next and where you would take things.

Reading that Mark will remain in the series is intriguing.



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ajr
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Malcolm3,

I liked where you took this as far as Mark saving Anne at the end.  I really love her last line and I can visualize her saying it through her sobs - very powerful.  And I like the piece overall - I think you gave us just enough and stopped it where you had to.  And the flashbacks worked fine.

Anne is very well drawn but Mark is still a bit of a mystery, though I imagine he must remain so as his character will be slowly revealed.  Is he completely rehabilitated?  I may be too dark but I'd like to see a glint of the "old evil" in his eye just to keep us guessing?  Also when he admits to the priest that he was a monster - maybe give him something more meaningful to say and describe his behavior a bit?  Something to give us more of his character.

Ghost, Alfy and NJ touched on most of it.  A few other things though:

Instead of "a playful slap is quickly delivered by his wife" maybe write it "Marie quickly delivers a playful slap"...

When Anne and her boss go behind the closed door in the office maybe use a sub-slug MICHAEL'S OFFICE...

Instead of "a cold wind blows down the darkened street", which we can't see, maybe give us "a newspaper blows by the trash can and chain link fence" or something like that...

You use the character heading of POLICEMAN to represent two different people - maybe give the first line to the POLICEWOMAN?  Also I got confused as to who was on the panel because your description was THREE SUITED MEN and one WOMAN, and then there was PRESENTER, etc.

Also, lots of exclamation points? Particularly with the news anchor and the newspaper headline.

And was it okay that I read this with a British accent in my head?  I really enjoyed it that way...  



Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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jackx
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey, nice little story, some editing issues:

The first paragraph is four lines of one sentence.
Missing some commas, 'he's a man(,) they know nothing.
Also some apostrophes. 'neck('s) a little bare
Mark talking about giving back and having so much to give came on kinda sudden.  seems like before that he was just whinging about bein sorry.
console has an E on the end, p9
p21  End Momtage is misspelled

I think some of the backstory was a little confusing, the whole 'she got killed cuz i was screwing the boss'.  Could just be me reading this in the middle of the night, but its a little off.
I think the story would be a little more interesting and certainly more realistic if Mark wasnt making the entire 180 into being a totally good guy handing out food at soup kitchens and all.  even if he was still struggling to be good, you could build up to the ending as both their moments of revelation.  

Anyways it was pretty good read, good luck with it.  The series idea sounds pretty interesting.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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