Diagnosis is Undetermined by Alex Cooper - Short, Dark Comedy - An old noble man denies the existence of one unlucky doctor. 6 pages - pdf, format

Despite this actually being in doc format and not pdf as it says, the formatting was good enough that it could still be read, so good job there. Except you don't need to have John's full name spelled out every time he speaks, just John will suffice.

The writing and the story were a bit clunky though, I think it could do with a polish. This is your first paragraph : 'JOHN CONNELL, an old noble man sits in his chair. The chair is facing a window. John stares out the window, looking to be deep in thought.'

How do we know he is an old noble man, and what do you mean by that exactly? How is that different to just an old man? Why not just write, 'John Connell (age), sits in a chair and stares out the window.' It conveys the same information and flows easier.

As for the story, I'm not sure if I get the ending. Was the whole thing done just to get him to take his tablet? It seemed like if the nurse had asked him he would have taken it by choice as he was complicit with her wishes. But if that's what it is, the little twist is revealed when we find out that Dr Cagney is the Troy they are talking about. That is fine because we are able to read it, but if this was filmed then the viewers would be like 'uh, who the hell is Troy and what does he have to do with anything?' Why not just have Dion refer to him as Dr Cagney instead of Troy? The effect would still be the same except less confusing.

But good effort overall.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi Alex,

I enjoyed this short.  I was caught off guard by the ending as I thought you were going in a different direction and didn't telegraph it.

My one suggestion would be a possible title change as it seems that Dr. Cagney/Troy and the rest of the staff do indeed know what's ailing John (i.e. Schizophrenia).  

At the very least, if you don't want to change the title completely, might I suggest "Diagnosis: Undetermined".  Just drop the "is".

Anyway, nice job.

Craig

Definately agree with the above comments about the clunky writing.  And I think Craigs title is cleaner as well.
Some typos:
By an chance should be ‘any’
Johns missing an apostrophe
Old noble man’ is kinda a clunky phrase, and you use it a couple times.  You could probably cut it to old man, or noble man for most of the times.

Overall I liked it though.  Pretty simple but cool idea.  And the old man was a badger, but still likable, which worked well.
Kinda back and forth on the ending, it wasn't quite tight enough.  What if the old man takes the pill, then the doctor excuses himself and leaves.  So at that point the audience still believes the doctor is actually fictitious.  Then the nurse walks out, and the doctors standing there, maybe looking a little sad and says something, referring to the old man.  Then the nurse responds, yea hes a nice old man, whatever.  END.
  That way we get the revelation right at the end, and it feels a little neater than how it is currently.  

In any case, cool idea, and impressive job bending Word to your wishes.