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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Public Eye Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Public Eye  (currently 3463 views)
Don
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Public Eye by Quentin Bangston - Series, Comedy, Drama, Short - Jessie Galloway has control over the celebrity world, and no one questions her unique methods. Then she met Reese Carpenter. 63 pages - pdf, format

The Public Eye: Episode Two by Quentin Bangston (bangston_15) - Series - The day after the murder. Jessie is ready to cover any and all tracks, and Reese is determined to dig deeper into the treachery. 25 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 25th, 2010, 8:31pm
New script in the series
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lalaindahouse
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Hi Quentin!

I think this script is better than the last one you posted.  The writing is better, more efficient.  

The script could use more "cleaning up," just in that you're very descriptive with the scenes.  It could be tighter.  I think it's great that you have a vivid image of all the places, but too much description and dictating the emotions of the characters can turn the reader off.  

The dialogue's good.  When you have too much description, it stops the momentum of the dialogue.

The beginning is a little much.  Seeing all the caps makes me (i don't know about anyone else) overwhelmed, in that there's a large body of text and half of them are capsed.  i think you could def. consolidate the "thump-THUMPs."  

THU-THUMP  THU-THUMP...

HEARTBEAT increases in tempo and volume...

---or something like that.  

i think screenwriting is all about pithiness.  how much can you get out of utilizing the least amount of words.  it makes things easier to read and the script flows much better.

anyways.  two cents from one person.  keep on writing!
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bangston_15
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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lalaindahouse

Thanks for the read and comments! I agree, this one is better writing than the last. Much better writing.

I never really thought about the scenes being overly descriptive. Now that you point it out, I think I could cut out a lot by cleaning that up.

Thanks again for you comments, they're much appreciated

--Bangston


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witwriter
Posted: December 14th, 2009, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Quinten,
I agree totally with the first post. The "over description of action" etc.
Leave more for the actors interpretation and guard against "directing the film" for someone.
You're a very good writer. There's movement and emotion, all that.
Constructive; I'm on page 16 and I'm not clear where you're going.
I realize you're setting up, gotta do that, but for what..
Might just be me, but 5 or 6 minutes in I want questions that keep me hanging around for the answers..and a feel for where the writer is taking me.
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jackx
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Nice atmospheric start, few issues:
Could be totally off, and its not important, but the ‘by’ on your title page doesn’t look centered.
I think you get a little carried away with the thumps.  About half as many should make the same point.
The gunshots are scarier than the first?  How?  Seems like your kinda telling us how to feel.  Maybe just louder?
And 911 operator would identify themselves “this is 911 emergency services, what is your emergency”  or something to that effect.
How do we know it’s a girl if it’s just breathing heavy?
911 doesn’t just hang up on people that don’t answer.  They are required to dispatch help even if someone calls and hangs up.  They would definitely take it seriously if someone cant talk.
How do we know the phone is about to be hung up?  I thought we were still on a black screen.  If you want us to see the scene we need a scene heading somewhere, possibly when the operator picks up the phone.  This would also change the OS stuff, as you switch halfway through the convo.
Also I would get rid of the ‘What the fuck?”  The audience should be asking themselves that, you don’t need to do it for them.
That’s all I got time for at the moment.  It is a good scene, and a cool start, just needs some squaring away.  I’ll finish it later.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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jackx
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Description of Reese is pretty awkward.  Why not just ‘Boyish looking man’ stead of man that looks like a boy than a man than a boy?
Some of the other sentences are a little over done, and theres kind of a heavy narrator presence if you know what I mean.
Back to scene?  What scene?  You mean end POV?
Lot of unfilmables, The coffee is terrible.  How do we know that?  Just have him spit it out, and we’ll know.
You get a little over descriptive on the beauty of your characters.  We get it, they’re attractive.  This isn’t the venue to showcase your descriptive skills.  
Then isnt the next sentence you tell us the business has made her look prematurely old.  That sounds less than the perfect beauty a few sentences before.
Top of p9  on should be one
Getting a steaming mug of coffee isn’t going to embarrass you, its going to burn and scar your face.  Need to think of something a little less lethal, maybe iced coffee or something.
“Sweat drips down Reese’s sweaty forehead”  Really?  
Doing wraps on your hands takes a few minutes, not something that could be done in the couple seconds of convo that you have.
You have a couple lines that look like they were supposed to be in dialogue and got dropped, ie “and I do not have a tiny dick.” “How do we have mice?””I spilled some coffee on me today”
Second level suite for clients hiding from the papa, how does the audience know that?
Same with no one is allowed in…ever

That to about p25, I’ll keep going later.  The biggest problem is your descriptions are way overdone, you use the same word several times in sentences to say pretty simple things.  Such as her tall frame being made even taller by tall jimmy choos.  Obviously that’s an exaggeration, but you get the idea.
The characters are interesting so far, and the dialogue is good, so its just your action lines that need some tightening.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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bangston_15
Posted: December 16th, 2009, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jackx

You're right. The by isn't center...which is wierd because I clicked center to page on the screenwriting program I used, but it didn't do it. I went back and fixed that already but thanks for pointing that out.

I've already decided to take the thumps out and replace them with something like...the pulse slowly gets faster...or something like that. I haven't decided yet.

The reason I write everything so descriptive is because this is the first script I've written since I attempted a novel and it's hard for me to switch back and forth between the two mediums. But I also like slightly more descriptive writing because I think it reads better.  And I get worried about length so I seem to write long paragraphs and I shouldn't.

I'm glad you like my characters. This is actually I rewrite for a very very bad version of the same script and I hated the characters in that one, so I was really hoping they would be better in this version.

The little things like "no one is allowed in...ever" is something I threw in to make the characters act a little more tense around that particular office. I guess I could just say they tense up...but I don't think that's as fun to say.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for the comment on dialogue. I write it and think it's great...and then I go back and read it and I hate it, so I never know if it's good or not. Comments saying that it's good makes me happy.

Thank you for reading it and for the comments
--Bangston


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jackx
Posted: December 17th, 2009, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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The number letters indicating fingers are a little confusing.  i think just her having sticky notes on her fingers would hve the same effect.
Don't know why you have this broken into acts
Isn't the point of being on a list so you dont stand in line?
"Something is for sure. This place is the shit." A pretty good example of overwriting, imo.
                          BAR
"Fruity drinks line the shelves behind
the bar. A few bar stools remain
open and Reese sits at one. The
BARTENDER comes over."
Why is that dialogue?  You've got a lot of format issues like that. Just carefully reading through and fixing all these errors would do a lot for you.
"appletini. That's a lot of margarita"  An appletini is not even a little bit of margarita
"you're J. Crew ass is fired" should be your
Nowhere in the world does a gun cost 26 grand, and sure as hell not in LA.
Jessies plan doesnt make sense, shes saying there were two different guns when both people were shot with one.
And that whole set up is a little ridiculous
Your ending made less than no sense.  First Jessie says the duchess will disappear after some story that involves two different guns.  Then she has her call 911 before she leaves which makes no sense.  except when she calls them she says that she killed her husband, which makes even les sense.  Then the little bit about penelope at the end.  What?  And didnt Jessie already destroy Marty?  whys she calling him at the end?
Not really sure what the story was about here, you dont really have any sympathetic characters, they all come across as selfish pricks, and not in the good entertaining prick way.  You kind of waver between the story being about reese and penelope and jessie, but none of them have any complete kind of arc.  
This basically reads like a sexed up version of the devil wears prada, which is fine, but that movie (which I had the good fortune to be dragged to) had a very solid story arc for the main character.  Even the devil lady was shown to have weakness and a human side, however much she hid that from everyone.
This seems more like an installment than a complete thing, as so many questions are left unanswered and plot points unresolved.  
A good start, certainly, but not done.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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bangston_15
Posted: December 19th, 2009, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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The reason for the formatting errors is because I wrote it first in a Pages program on a Mac and then transferred it to Microsoft Word and then to Movie Magic Screenwriter and sometimes all parts get messed up in transition. I thought I caught them all, but some always seem to slip by. That's why it says "BAR" and then all it says after it as a dialogue. My mistake.

Where did you get two different guns? There was always one. Jessie takes The Duchess' gun.

She has The Duchess call the police so the murder can't be traced back to Jessie. She's basically framing her if you didn't catch that. The part about Penelope, I'm assuming, is the conversation jessie and reese have, which says Jessie helped Reese pay for a more expensive ring.

No where did I say Jessie destroyed Marty. I said she could destroy him. She calls him at the end because she is a publicist and she's trying to get the word out about the murder in her story first like a good publicist would do to protect her client.

Nobody would have a complete arc explained in one episode. That's why we have seasons of shows.

I don't see how anybody but Jessie is coming off as a selfish prick.

I know I may sound a little rude, but right now it feels like you are attacking my script and that you didn't fully understand it.


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jackx
Posted: December 20th, 2009, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't mean to come of as attacking it, was just pointing out some things I think need to be clarified/improved.

    The two different guns come from Jessies story that she plans to tell the police that they were having a threesome, then the stripper pulled a gun and shot the guy, then the duchess ran and grabbed their own gun and shot her.  That means according to her there are two guns, should be two different ballistic patterns, etc.

   The story arc bit was my fault, I missed the fact it was a series.  Apologies.

   I understand Jessie is framing the Duchess.  I also understand the Duchess is a little crazy and out of touch.  But she's really stupid enough to call 911 and admit to killing the her husband?  Especially after Jessie told her the plan to get away with it, which does not include admitting to killing him?  In fact it claims the opposite, that she did not kill him.  That's a little hard for me to buy.  

   What I mean by your characters being unsympathetic, which for me changed halfway through, was Penelope turning out to be cheating on reese, and Reese getting all up in Jessies kool aid.  I understand that this is supposed to be a melodrama and everyone is a little morally questionable, but I think you're being a little quick to get rid of any decent characters.

The part about marty came from this line:
JESSIE (CONT'D)
Fine. Don't worry about finishing
that article. No one's going to
want it when I'm finished with you.
   Which I thought implied that Jessie was going to use her influence to destroy him.  It's fine if she didn't, but I think that this convo was strong enough that it should at least be alluded to when she returns to him to write the new story.

Like I said before, this is a good start, but I just see several believability issues with it.  And since this is set in the real world that will be a problem.  I think you need to rework the murder/setup scene in a way that makes a little more sense, and doesnt rely entirely on the Duchess just doing everything Jessie says, even if it contradicts what she said two lines earlier.  Not sure how, but I'm sure there's a more clever set up out there.
I think you need to give reese a stronger personality, rather than just have him an extremely good looking dupe.  At least if he's going to be a prominent character in this.

Obviously this is just my opinion.  If someone else reads this and finds all that believable, that's great.  But those are a list of things I would work on if this was my piece.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...

Revision History (1 edits)
jackx  -  February 28th, 2010, 4:38pm
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NJDevil
Posted: December 28th, 2009, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Finished this as promised. I have a whole list of notes if you're interested, just email/PM and I'll send those along. I will say that it will read easier once you clean up your descriptions (eliminate "we see" and other unfilmable words) and get the dialogue formatted properly. Some parts read a bit slow, but will probably improve once you do the cosmetic stuff. Overall, not bad. But with a little work it will get better.
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bangston_15
Posted: February 11th, 2010, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey in case anybody was wondering, I'm attempting to work on a second episode. I've contacted a writer who used to be a publicist and asked for ideas, and my computer broke so I recently got it back to writing condition. I hope I can get it done pronto


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NJDevil
Posted: February 12th, 2010, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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good to hear. let me know how it goes.
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bangston_15
Posted: February 22nd, 2010, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Done! I'm submitting it ASAP. I think this one is better with tighter writing. Let me know what you guys think when you get a chance to read it! It's called Home is the Place You Forget About.

Remember, this is the roughest draft possible. I want to know what to fix before I fix anything


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bangston_15
Posted: February 26th, 2010, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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There's a small typo in the episode 2 description. It's really no problem but I just wanted everyone to know the episode is 46 pages long, not 25. Thanks!


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